Tap, tap, tapping

After swim class today, I felt a strange tapping sensation in my abdomen. I sat down on the couch to focus on these movements. After detecting several more light taps, I knew that I was feeling my baby move. What a beautiful, wonderful feeling.

Ultrasounds, first steps, and disappointments

My 20 week ultrasound was scheduled for July 13th - when I will be exactly 20 week pregnant. However John will be out of town that week, so I had to reschedule my appointment. Being the rebel that I am, I scheduled it for the week before. My new appointment is on July 6th. I can't wait to see my baby again!

Honestly, I have mixed emotions regarding ultrasounds. I LOVE seeing images of the baby, but I am always fearful that the technician might detect a problem. Where these irrational fears come from is a mystery to me. I guess it is just part of being a worry wart.

Also, my doctor wrote down some special notes for me to give to the ultrasound technician. I tried to read the notes, but I can only make out about 3 words. I feel like a grade schooler, whose teacher sent home a note in a sealed envelope. WHAT DOES THAT DAMN NOTE SAY?!?! It driving me insane.

We are still undecided on the gender issue. I don't really want to know the sex, but John does. We didn't find out with Porgie - mainly because I didn't want to know. I was absolutely positive that we were having a boy (I guess I have no mother's intuition). Needless to say, it was an awesome surprise.
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Porgie can stand all by her pretty little self. It is very adorable. She looks so surprised and proud of herself when she accomplishes this amazing feat. She also took her first independent step yesterday. I was snapping pictures, when I should have been videotaping her. I never capture any great moments on video. I totally suck.

But, I did get a great shot of her standing...

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I haven't talked much about this before, but no-one from my family has visited us here in New Jersey. It kind of pisses me off. I traveled all the way to Kentucky with Porgie (a 10 HOUR drive) to visit my family, but they all seem unwilling to come visit me. My cousin Bean promised that she was going to come out this summer with her kids. I was already planning our week together - trips to the beach, the zoo, the water park. She called yesterday to report that she can't come. I am very sad.

Bunny Rabbits and Kitty Cats

Bunny rabbits and kitty cats just don't mix.

On Monday, Porgie and I were walking out to my car, when I spotted a little lump of flesh on the sidewalk. As we got closer, I could tell that this helpless creature was a baby bunny. A tiny newborn baby bunny. A bunny whose eyes were still sealed shut. A bunny whose stumpy umbilical cord was still attached.

The bunny was laying in the sweltering sun, breathing heavily. I quickly took Porgie back in the house and came back out to save the bunny from the unbearable summer heat. I picked the little baby up, and it instantly squealed. Then it opened its mouth, ready for food. Food that I could not offer.

The bunny was in bad shape. It had bit marks on it's back, head, and belly. Obviously, one of my cats had attacked it during the night. I took the little bunny in the house and applied a triple antibiotic to it's wounds. Then I found a 1 cc syringe and proceeded to rehydrate the bunny with pedialyte. I placed the bunny in small animal cage, with a blanket. I put the cage on our deck, so the bunny would stay warm.

Every two hours, I feed the baby more pedialyte. When John got home from work, he took the bunny to a wildlife rehabilitator. I was sad to see the bunny go. I hope that someone is taking good care of him/her.

In college, I worked at a little pet store. During my many years at this store, I had the opportunity to rehabilitate numerous baby squirrels - a very rewarding and beautiful experience. If I could do anything in the world (without concern about money), I would rehab orphaned baby animals.

sleep continued

Thank you for all of the advice offered yesterday. I really like to hear how other moms handle their sleepless children. Very educational and interesting.

Honestly, I am not a big fan of cry-it-out methods. Hence, the reason I have been feeding Porgie three times per night for an entire year. The first book I bought on sleep issues was Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi Mindell. She recommended the cry-it-out method, which I thought was too cruel. So, I went out and bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantely. I liked this book a lot more, but it was pretty ineffective in altering Porgie's sleep habits. So, I sucked it up and continued to feed her over and over and over during the night.

There were many mornings when I woke up angry. I was pissed because of my lack of sleep. It was making me a mean person. I snapped at everyone - Porgie included. I made a deal with myself - when Porgie reached the age of one year, I would start sleep training. This was a way to help keep myself sane in my moments of madness. I know I sound dramatic, but this no sleeping thing has really kicked my ass. I just wasn't expecting the sleeplessness to continue for so long.

Enough about me, lets talk about Porgie. She woke up at 3:00 am whining, but went right back to sleep. She slept until 6:30 this morning! I was pretty excited. It might be a fluke or it might be the start of a new routine. I am hoping its a new routine.

Someone shoot me, please

So we are still doing the cry-it-out at night routine. Porgie wakes almost every night around 2 or 3 am, but only cries for about 5 minutes. It is not even really a cry - its more like a whine. I could live with this stupid little routine.

However, I can not tolerate Porgie's new wake up time. Sunday morning she woke up at 4:00 am. FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING. She was happily talking to herself for a while, but then she started crying and crying and crying. She cried until 6:30, when she finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I fell asleep shortly thereafter. But then Porgie woke up at 7:00 am crying again. So we got up. Basically, I got up at 4:00 am yesterday. I was so tired that I went to sleep at 9:00 pm last night.

So this morning Porgie woke up whining at 2:00 am. After 5 minutes, she went back to sleep. At 4:30 am, she woke up screaming. The tears and drama continued until 6:30, when I finally got her up. And now she is in a horrible, sour mood. As I type, she is crying. And guess what? I don't really care. If she wants to start the day at 4:00 am, I guess we are all just going to have to be miserable.

I need some advice my dear Internet friends. Should I just let her scream and cry until 6 or 7 every morning? This cry isn't whining - its full blown tears and quivering voice. Should I go in to comfort her? If so, should I pick her up? When I go in during the middle of the night, she usually just gets more upset. She wants a bottle and cuddles, which I don't feel like giving anymore. I know that I sound awful, but I am sick of all this shit. I just want her to sleep through one night, without whining, without screaming, and without waking up at 4 in the morning.

To make a long story short, I am tired.

Come out, come out, where ever you are

Because I am neurotic and slightly insane, I am always worrying about something. My latest fear is regarding fetal movement. I started feeling Porgie move at 18 weeks. I read that you usually feel fetal movements sooner with your second pregnancy. I am 17 weeks, and I haven't felt any movement. Okay, maybe I have felt a few faint sensations, but nothing that I can pinpoint as definite fetal movement. Of course, I am making myself insane with worry.

I know what you are going to say - "17 weeks is still really early," or "lots of people don't feel movement until 20 weeks," or "stop being insane and worrying for no damn reason."

Before I got pregnant with Porgie, I had this fantasy about pregnancy. I thought that I would waddle around, happily rubbing my belly. Instead, I fretted and worried the whole nine months - the longest nine months of my life. Honestly, I didn't really enjoy being pregnant.

When I got pregnant the second time, I thought that I would enjoy this pregnancy more. After all, I don't have the time to fret and worry about every little thing. Apparently I have more time than I thought, because I am already racked with fear. I think my fears in this pregnancy stem from the fact that I am already considered "high risk."

The thing that really sucks, is that my fears do not stop with delivery. They merely transform into new fears about SIDS, breastfeeding, developmental milestones, etc.

Being a mommy is tough.

The hunger switch

Did you know that pregnant women have a hunger switch? Somehow, my hunger switch got flipped to "starving mode," and I am struggling to keep my weight gain under control. To illustrate this point, I am going to outline my day...

6:30 - Porgie wakes me up. While feeding her a bottle, I notice that I am starving. I am so hungry that I actually feel a little nauseous.

7:00 - I eat a HUGE bowl of shredded wheat and a banana and some grapes. When I finish breakfast, I am still kind of hungry.

9:00 - I am starving again. I fight the temptation to eat again. I take Porgie for a walk instead.

10:00 - I can't take it anymore. I am dieing of starvation. In an attempt to be healthy, I go eat some more grapes and two bananas. I am still hungry.

12:00 - Lunch time has finally arrived!!! I eat an ENORMOUS bowl of spaghetti. Spaghetti has never tasted so good. I lick the bowl when I am finished. I actually feel full. Its a very nice feeling.

2:00 - Porgie and I go to Target to get some formula and baby food. We pass a Taco Bell on the way home. I want Taco Bell. I really want Taco Bell. Must. Fight. Urge.

3:00 - I am starving. I open a jar of pickles and, I kid you not, I eat the whole damn jar.

5:00 - John arrives home with Chipotle burritos. I inhale my burrito. BUT I AM STILL HUNGRY.

7:00 - Ashamed that I am still hungry after eating a huge burrito, I vow to not eat anymore.

9:00 - I eat three Popsicles. THREE- because I am starving, people!

10:30 - I go to bed thinking about what I am going to eat for breakfast in the morning.

I hope that my hunger switch gets flipped back to "normal appetite mode" soon. I feel like a bottomless pit.

Because I feel like changing...

I am working on my blog template right now. I am trying to customize my header, so you might see some strange things popping up on my blog. Hopefully, I'll be able to get everything figured out in the next day or so. See you then!

Where is my brain?

We went to the beach again this weekend. It was gorgeous and beautiful. I know that you are completely jealous, so I won't brag. Did I mention that we only live an hour from the beach?

Of course, I forgot to bring the camera, so I don't have any photos to share. Sorry. I have a smart group of readers, so I know that you didn't honestly expect me to remember the damn camera. At this point, I'd probably forget my head if it wasn't attached to me.

Guess what? I didn't fall in the ocean this time! And Porgie wasn't traumatized!

However, I did forget to bring her sun hat. We decided to stop at a little beach shop before heading down to the shore. The store had an awful selection. The baby sun hats didn't have any ties on them. I searched the whole damn selection and I couldn't find one hat that tied. So, we ended up buying a khaki hat, which we could not use. It kept blowing off of Porgie's head. Who the hell designs a baby sun hat without ties? A jackass, that's who. Of course, I am the bigger jackass because I bought the damn hat.

We also bought Porgie some sand toys, which she thoroughly enjoyed. John showed her how to shovel sand into the bucket. I was surprised when she instantly started shoveling sand. She is getting so smart. It is amazing how quickly she can learn a new skill.

So, we played in the sand, splashed in the water, and reapplied sunscreen every 10 minutes (because I am super parnoid about getting sunburned). Porgie is so well behaved at the shore. She happily plays for hours, with nary a peep.

By the end of the beach day, Porgie was exhausted. I could see in her little face that she was extremely tired. The ride home was pretty rough - lots of crying. John gave her a quick shower, and we put her right to bed. She was out like a light within 30 seconds.

Overall, my weekend was wonderful. What did you do?

What does it feel like to be well rested? I can't remember.

I have tried to keep my whining about sleep issues to a minimum lately. I feel like I harp and harp on this issue. And of course, I am going to start complaining again. Sorry in advance.

We are officially down to one nap per day. Porgie absolutely refuses to take an afternoon nap. So, I have the FUN task of trying to keep her happy and occupied until noon. Let me assure you, it is not easy. She gets whiny and fussy, but I refuse to let her nap early. If I let her go to sleep before noon, she will only nap for about an hour. Then she won't take an afternoon nap, and she turns into a demon child by 5:00 pm. However, if I keep her up until noon, she will take a 2 or 3 hour nap, and she is her normal self until bedtime. So, although mornings are rough around my house, it is definitely worth it.

Porgie also continues to wake up at night. Usually she only wakes up once or twice, but we had a few nights last week where she woke up at least 3 times. Unfortunately, we have now moved on the cry-it-out method. I am not a big fan of this technique, but I am trying to be open-minded. For the past three nights, I have let Porgie cry when she wakes up. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I don't really have any other options. I can't continue to feed Porgie multiple times per night. I am going to have a newborn to feed all night in just five more months. Porgie has to start sleeping through the night. PERIOD.

The good news is that she seems to cry a little less each night. I haven't even been going into her room to comfort her at night, because she just gets more worked up and distressed. So, when she starts crying, I turn the monitor down and pray for her to go back to sleep.

The first night she cried for about 20 minutes. The second night she cried for about 10 minutes. And last night was cried for less than a minutes. I hope this trend continues and within a few days, she'll be sleeping through the night.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Organic

This morning John and I were talking about organic products. We buy lots of organic food, but we have never purchased anything else organic - like bed sheets or cosmetics or pet food. These products are just too expensive.

This is a transcript of our conversation...

Me - "Why do you think organic products cost so much?"

John - "I don't know."

Me - "Its probably because the farmers lose more crops to insects."

John - "Yeah. They should start making an organic pesticide."

Isn't my husband a genius?

More decisions that you can help me make

I just had an even better idea. I want to go with an alphabet themed bedding for Porgie's room. That way, it will last her further into toddlerhood. It never hurt anyone to stare at the alphabet.

Also, I could decorate her room with the decorations from my classroom. How cool would that be?

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But then Shannon emailed me some links, and I LOVE this theme too. What do you think? Shannon's theme definitely matches better tham mine.

Baby blues

Poor little Porgie's life is going to be turned upside down in a mere five months. Life as she knows it will be forever changed. Even though she is about to go through a major life change, I am actually contemplating causing even more turmoil.

I want to switch Porgie to another bedroom. She is currently in the room right next to our bedroom, so we share a wall. My fear is that the new baby will wake her up at night crying (I plan on using a bassinet - or co sleeping- for the first 3 or 4 months). So, I want to move Porgie to the room at the end of the hallway.

I plan on buying Porgie a new crib and bedding. Her new bedroom is already blue, so I have been looking for a gender neutral bedding option that incorporate the same blue color. I found this bedding set (which also happens to be on sale $$$), but I am not that fond of the theme. My instincts tell me to buy another animal theme, but I can't have two nurseries that look actually the same.

I am also terrified about actually making the room switch. As you know, my baby isn't the best sleeper. I am scared shitless that moving her room will cause even more night waking. I can't handle that. SERIOUSLY.

Its offical, Porgie is a genius

Porgie is changing so fast. Everyday she seems to learn some new trick. Because I know that you guys are obsessed with my baby, I am going to highlight a few of her newest accomplishments. No need to thank me.

1. Porgie can wave. She has been doing this trick for a few months, but now she associates waving with the words bye-bye. If you say "bye-bye", she will automatically wave. I don't know about you, but I am thinking she is a genius.

2. Porgie is a clapping fool. That kid claps all day long, and it is absolutely adorable. She doesn't do it when you sing "patty cake" or "If you're happy and you know it". Instead, she randomly claps for no good reason.

3. Porgie can hand you objects. If you hold out your hand and say "Can I have that?", Porgie will give you whatever she is holding. Of course, she wants you to hand it right back to her.

4. Porgie loves to point at objects. At first, we would just point at the object too. Then I had the genius idea to start naming the objects she points to. I am a little dimwitted.

5. Porgie begs for food. When we are eating dinner, she will start grunting and pulling on our clothes. She is pretty relentless until you give her a bite.

6. Porgie can play peek-a-boo (except we don't use the word peek-a-boo, because she will cry). She loves to pull the covers over her head. I'll call out her name, and she'll sit incredibly still. Then suddenly she'll rip the covers off of her head and laugh. It is very sweet.

I am completely amazed by all of her skills.

The Incident

On Friday, it was sweltering hot in New Jersey. We packed up the car, and drove to the shore. We arrived at the beach excited and ready to swim. Porgie was in an exceptionally good mood, so we took her down to the water to play. We sat her in very shallow water and watched her kick and splash with delight.

After playing in the water for a while, we went back up on the beach to reapply sunscreen. Porgie was looking exceptionally adorable.

She enjoyed crawling in the sand.

I kept yelling for her, but she continued crawling.

And crawling.

We went back down to the water, but decided to walk out into the ocean this time. John was carrying Porgie, but she kept reaching for me and whining. I ended up carrying her, which was not a wise plan.

Guess what happens when a 15 week pregnant woman is carrying a 25 pound baby and trying to avoid crashing waves? A wave knocked me down onto my knees. I struggled to catch my balance, but more waves kept hitting me. I fell into the water. Porgie fell with me. Very traumatic. VERY TRAUMATIC.

Porgie and I were both a little shaken up. She cried, and I apologized profusely. Walking back onto the beach, John noticed that my knee was bleeding. I had scrapped it on the broken seashells in the sand.

John refers to this episode as "the incident." I think he was pretty shaken up too.

Doctor, Doctors, Doctors

I went to see the GI specialist last Thursday. My Ob gave me a copy of my blood work and ultrasound results, which I was supposed to give to the GI doctor. The specialist's office was about 30 minutes from our house and I had never been to that part of New Jersey before. So, John agreed to come with me.

As we pulled into the parking lot, I had this strange feeling that I was forgetting something. As I unbuckled Porgie from her car seat, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten the damn blood work/ultrasound results. John shook his head in disgust. This pregnancy brain thing is getting out of control. I can't remember anything.

I walked into the office, ready to reschedule my appointment. But the receptionist reminded me of the miracle of fax machines. THANK GOD. So, I got to see the specialist after all.

Basically, the doctor doesn't know what is wrong with my liver. They are testing me for a few rare diseases, but that is really the extent of it. He said that if my liver function doesn't return to normal after I deliver, he will perform a biopsy.

Also, I had my 16 week doctor's appointment today. Dr. S found the heartbeat right away. I think that instead of listening to the heartbeat with a Doppler, they should just use the ultrasound machine. I want to see my baby!

So all is well right now.

Victory!

I know everyone had their doubts about my baking skills, and honestly I had my doubts too. But, I was victorous! Look what I made...

Needless to say, I am very impressed with myself. Porgie was pretty excited too.

I also decorated the top of the cake, but it had Porgie's real name on it. And because I am all mysterious and shit, I am not going to post a picture. But, let me assure you, it was awesome. It definitely looked like a professionally decorated cake. DEFINITELY.

Or maybe it was crappy and crazy looking. Fortunately, Porgie didn't seem to mind.

This little light of mine

Guess what? My baby is one year old today. I just can't believe it. She is still so small. How can she possibly be a year old? I just don't understand how time can pass so quickly. MY BABY IS A YEAR OLD!

Although this year has zipped by, it also seems like Porgie was born ages ago. I barely remember those early days with her, but I do know that they were incredibly hard. Shortly after bringing her home, I distinctly remember wishing that I was still pregnancy. Yet at the same time, I also remember being so thankful that she was in my arms, safe and sound. As you can see, the newborn phase was a confusing time. Porgie and I both cried a lot during this time.

Fortunately, things really began to look up when Porgie turned three months old. She was more alert and more adorable and less cranky. This is around the time when I finally started venturing out of the house again. We started taking Porgie everywhere with us - restaurants, grocery stores, doctor's appointments, etc. I distinctly remember the first time we took her out to eat with us. I remember feeling so liberated and free. I could finally rejoin the world of the living. It was an awesome feeling.

By six months, Porgie was sitting up independently, playing with toys, and stealing everyone's heart with her smile. Her personality really started to shine through. This was also the month that I stopped pumping, and Porgie began drinking formula exclusively. Although I was very upset about this new development, Porgie took everything in stride. She is such a good and easy-going little girl. We traveled to Kentucky to visit family during Porgie's six month, and she was a mash hit. Of course, everyone went crazy over her. I remember feeling so proud of my baby.

The ninth month was extremely exciting. Porgie learned to crawl, pull herself up, and cruise around while holding onto the furniture. She also started feeding herself, laughing heartily at our silly antics, and exploring our cabinets and drawers. Although many moms dread having their babies mobile, I was overjoyed. Porgie was able to better entertain herself, and I was able to fnally take a break. Sometimes, I would just sit on the couch and watch her crawl back and forth across the livingroom exploring her world.

I seem to love each new phase more than the last one. I can't wait to see what the next year will bring. I already know it will be wonderful.

My dear internet friends, Porgie is a year old.

I love her more than life itself.

I can crochet

So, we all know that I don't clean, I can't cook, and I am fairly dimwitted. But, I do have a few redeeming qualities. Did you know that I can crochet? Oh yeah, I think I've mentioned it here and here and here. Damn, I am irritating.

Anyways, since I found out I was pregnant again, I started working on a blanket for the new baby. I am one of those annoying people who always get things done super early. In school, I always had my final project done months ahead of time. While teaching, I always had all of my lesson plans ready a full week in advance. In mothering, I finish my baby's blanket when I am only 14 weeks pregnant. Damn, I really am irritating.

I decided to go with a gender neutral color scheme - white, yellow, and green. I love the design, and I think it looks wonderful. I can't wait until December, when I can wrap it around my precious newborn baby.

Porgie really likes the new baby's blanket. The afghan I made for Porgie was knitted very tightly. However, this blanket is much looser. Porgie likes to put it over her head and look through the little holes. She is such little cutie.

Spreading mass hysteria

A few days ago, I was reading an article in Parenting magazine. There was a story on sexual predators and keeping your kids safe. Although I am not one of those insane, over protective mothers (okay, I am insane and over protective, but I am not obsessed with it), I do appreciate advice and information on keeping my child safe.

The article gave a link to look up sexual predators in your neighborhood (nsopr). I visited the website and was relieved to find out that my community has zero sex offenders (thank God). However, this does not give me a false sense of security. I realized that many sex offenders move without registering their new address and that potential sex offenders could be living in my neighborhood. So although this information is helpful, it is not a guarantee that my children will play in a sexual-predator-free community.

After I looked up my current community, I looked up the small city where I used to live in Kentucky. There were 26 registered sexual predators! 26! Holy shit, that is a lot of sex offenders in one community. Most of my family still lives in that community - including Bean and her two children. I was thinking of telling her about the list of sex offenders, but I may just be creating unnecessary fear. What do you think? Would you want to know?

Maybe I'll just tell her about the website. That way, if she wants to research the information, she can.

Let's talk about breasts baby

As most of you know, I had a very difficult time breastfeeding Porgie. When I think back on our experience, I have many regrets. Yet at the same time, I feel like I did the best that I could under the circumstances. I had a c-section, no one was around to help me with the baby, Porgie wasn't gaining weight, and I was suffering from a bout of baby blues. That first month home with my baby, was overwhelming and confusing. Life was one continuous struggle, until I finally started pumping. Although pumping is 100 times harder than breastfeeding, at the time it felt like pumping was a god-sent. Pumping was a way for me to give my baby breast milk without the tears of frustration, the pain of cracked and bleeding nipples, and the screams of hunger from my baby.

Even though my experience was less than joyous, I definitely want to try again. However, this time around I want to start pumping right away to help build my supply. With Porgie, I just assumed at my supply would be adequate if I breastfed exclusively. This was not the case. After a month of breastfeeding exclusively, Porgie had still not regained her birth weight. After I made the decision to start pumping, I was shocked to discover that I was only producing about 1 ounce of milk every 3 hours.

Instead of renting again, this time I am looking into purchasing a hospital grade pump off of eBay. However, I am also a little scared of purchasing the pump. What if I fail at the whole breastfeeding thing again? There is no way in hell that I can pump exclusively, with two children under the age of two to care for. Then I will be stuck with an expensive breast pump. John reminded me that I could always resale the pump on eBay, but I know that I wouldn't (what if we have another baby?).

So, as usual, I can't seem to make up my fucking mind. Maybe I should just rent again - but $37 per month is expensive.

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations for a pump. With Porgie I used a Medela Classic pump, which I liked (but I never used anything else). What kind of pump did you use?

Pregnancy brain

Yesterday I went in for the ultrasound of my gallbladder. The appointment was at 9:00 am. Of course, Porgie slept until 8:00. When she finally woke me up, I was running around the house like a madman. Between 8:00 and 8:30, I feed Porgie a bottle, got dressed, put on my make-up, and brushed my teeth. By 8:35, I was on my way to the doctor's office.

I was pretty proud of myself for getting ready so quickly. I reached the office a few minutes before 9:00, and casually strolled toward the building. Upon reaching the front doors, I suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing a bra. How the hell does a girl leave the house without a bra? My brain is truly turning into mush.

I sat in the waiting room, fretting about my braless self. I analyzed the breasts of every other woman in the waiting room. I was hoping that maybe some of the other people were as stupid as me. No such luck. Everyone was wearing the proper undergarments.

When I was finally called back, the technician tucked a towel into the top of my pants and another towel into the bottom of my rolled up shirt. She knew I didn't have a bra on. I felt like the world's biggest asshole. I wanted to explain my bralessness, but decided to just keep my mouth shut. Ugh.

When I got home, I told John about my embarrassing experience. He told me that not wearing a bra is "hot." I knew he wouldn't understand.