Thursday, August 30, 2007

Video of Porgie talking

Here is another one of my fabulous videos...

Isn't her little voice so adorable? That was the cutest video EVER! Once again, you're welcome.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Things I don't understand

1. Why are pictures of grapes always purple? Yet every time I go to the grocery store, I only see red and green grapes. When is the last time you ate purple grapes?
2. Not that I do either, but why is alcohol legal, while marijuana is not? Teenagers die from alcohol poisoning everyday. Has anyone ever died from marijuana poisoning? 3. Why do they make male and female razors? I have used my razor and John's razor interchangable, and I haven't really noticed a difference. Don't all razors do the same thing?

4. Why would anyone buy regular Oreos, when you could buy double stuffed Oreos? Personally, I think Nabisco should just get rid of regular Oreos. Doesn't double stuffed Oreos sound delicious? Or how about...A triple double stuffed Oreo courtesy of my lovely husband.

Monday, August 27, 2007


Apparently, it was suppose to be nice out today. The weather lady said it was "picture prefect" outside. The dumb whore obviously isn't pregnant.

Thinking that it was a nice day, I walked Porgie to the park. I was sweating like a hog. I was so HOT. Seriously, by the time I got home my clothes were drenched with sweat.

Anyways, lets get back to the main point of this post. I took Porgie to the park, and was pleasantly surprised to see several other toddlers playing. I put Porgie down to walk around, when a little boy named Bruno started following her around.

This child was obsessed with my precious baby girl. He tried to give Porgie leaves and grass- she wasn't interested. He kept trying to touch her hair - she was too fast. He gave her about 56 hugs - still not very good at the whole balance thing, she just toppled over. Finally, he tried to kiss her - she ducked her head and waved her arms in protest.

Bruno had a crush on Porgie. Without a doubt, it was one of the cutest things I have ever seen.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Lab Results

I had a doctor's appointment last week, and I also had to have blood drawn again. In case you were wondering, I have had my blood drawn approximately 763 times in the past 6 months. They also analyzed my 24 hour urine collection.

I received a call on Friday regarding the results. Apparently, everything is great. My blood pressure is within the high end of the normal range, I had no protein in my urine, my white blood cell count is normal, and my liver enzymes are no longer elevated. I am just a healthy pregnant lady! YAY!
I was kind of baffled by the liver results. Although it was never confirmed, I just assumed that I had a fatty liver. However, Dr. S thought I had some sort of infection due to my high white blood cell count. Perhaps she was right, since my liver and white blood cell count are back to normal.
Honestly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It just seemed like I was having too many problems, too early in the pregnancy. Now that all of the medical drama has passed, I can fully focus my attention on getting big and fat. Oreo cakesters here I come!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Just for fun

I am not a very crafty person. Although I have taught myself to crochet, I have failed to learn how to paint, knit, or sew. I claim to be a scrapbooker, but does putting a bunch of expensive stickers on a page really qualify as a hobby?

Anyways, Carrie had a really great idea. She pledged to make a gift for the first few people who commented on one of her posts. I thought this would be a great way to do something nice for my readers. So...

PAY IT FORWARD. The first three people who leave a comment and pledge to pay it forward to three others on their blogs will receive a handmade gift from me within one year (August 24, 2008) of this posting.

Because I have only one skill, there will be handmade scarfs for everyone! Unless you want a piece of paper with expensive stickers. Just let me know...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Growing up is hard

Sometimes, I think Porgie has the easiest life. She plays all day, has mommy to cater to her every need, and someone is always available to wipe her ass. But really, her life can be very daunting. Take this obstacle for example... Poor little Porgie crawled under one of our kitchen chairs and was unable to escape this prison. I guess life can be pretty hard when you're one-year-old.

-- Please excuse my crappy, dirty kitchen. I am currently trying to persuade my husband to paint the horrible wood paneled walls. Also, we are trying to get a loan to remodel the entire kitchen. It is in desperate need of updating. When you walk into my kitchen, you are instantly taken back to the year 1976.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Couch Potatoes

Porgie and I are becoming couch potatoes. Big, fat, lazy couch potatoes. I blame myself for this horrible turn of events, and I am having a really hard time reversing this trend.

I am fast approaching the third trimester of this pregnancy (only one week away - AHHH!), and I am feeling the effects of being near the end. I am getting bigger. Some days I wake up and feel like my belly has grown several inches over night. I am starting to feel uncomfortable when I bend over to pick things up. I get winded after walking up stairs or carrying Porgie across the house. In a nutshell, things are getting rough. And the worst part is, I still have three month to go. If I feel like this now, what will my life be like in November?

Due to my expanding belly, the extremely hot weather, and a horrible case of the baby fussies, we have been watching television excessively in our household. When I get up in the morning, I typically watch CNN and/or read blogs. During this time, Porgie usually runs around the house playing and shoveling Cheerios into her mouth. At 9:00, I always turn on Sesame Street. I don't really know why I turn this show on - habit maybe? At 10:00, we usually go out on the deck and run around. Around 10:30, we start the nap time routine (change diaper, read three books, and drink a bottle). Porgie is usually sleep by 11:00.

When Porgie wakes up at 1:00, I feed her lunch. Then I do the dishes and boil the bottles, while she plays with her toys and practices walking around the house. At 2:00, I turn on Blues Clues. Porgie alternates between watching TV, walking, and playing. At 3:00, I usually try to get out of the house (we go to Target A LOT - and the grocery store). We are usually home by 4:00. If its nice out, I'll let Porgie play outside. However, most of the time it is too hot out, so we end up playing in the house. This usually leads to a fussy baby, which leads me to a Baby Einstein video. At 5:00, Porgie eats dinner. Then John gets home and plays with the baby until bedtime at 7:00.

Have you noticed the excessive amounts of TV being watched? I am feeling pretty guilty about this arrangement. In my defense, this isn't an accurate portrayal of everyday. We have swim class two days per week - so we don't watch Sesame Street on those days. And sometimes the weather cooperates, and we go outside in the afternoon. And sometimes we have a playdate.

However, I still feel like Porgie watches WAY TOO MUCH television. My fears is that things are only going to get worse in the next few months.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Porgie is growing up SOOOO fast. You need to come to New Jersey to see her. She is amazing.

I know that no-one cares except me, but I am going to brag about my baby's super amazing skills. For a few months I have been worrying about Porgie's language development. The other babies at the YMCA have been saying new words left and right. Of course, this created a wave of panic in my neurotic brain.

The only thing keeping my fears at bay, was the fact that Porgie has excellent receptive language skills. Porgie understands so many words and phrases. She can point to all kinds of household objects when prompted. She can point to the various animals in her books when prompted. Most impressive is the fact that she can perform numerous one step commands when prompted.

BUT, I now having a talking baby! In this past month, Porgie's language development has exploded. Of course, many of these words are not spoken clearly. However, she usually points while she is saying the words, so it is obvious which word she is trying to pronounce.

Here is the list (in the order she said them):
All Gone (alga)
Clock (cock)
Daisy (dayee)

I am so proud! Wouldn't it be nice if I had a video of this amazing new development? I just need to figure out how to show Porgie talking through a series of pictures.

Oh yeah, Porgie also learned how to drink through a straw last week. She is so smart!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Windows to my world

We live in a little ranch house. The rooms are small, the closets are small, the bathroom is small, and the windows are incredibly small. Although I have lots to complain about, this post is going to focus on the itty bitty windows. We have lots and lots of windows in our house, but they are all very short in height. This feature makes it extremely difficult to purchase curtains. I would just make them myself, except I can't figure out how to use my damn sewing machine.

So, a few weeks ago I decided to buy curtains for the kitchen and bathroom. I wanted to hang a valance and tier, like this. However, I couldn't find any curtains short enough for our windows. The valances would be touching the tiers, blocking out all natural light. Grrr.

I went home and thought about our curtain conundrum. Finally, I came up with a compromise...
I draped ivy garland across the top and hung a tier on the bottom. I thought it looked so good, I decided to repeat this design in the bathroom...Now that I am living with my new window treatments, I can't decide if I actually like them. Be honest - do my windows look retarded?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I am sorry Rachel

My date on Friday did not go as planned. Rachel and I were supposed to meet at a Children's Garden around 2:00 pm. Porgie almost always goes down for a nap at 11:00 am, and wakes up around 1:00 pm. Of course, she decided to mix things up on Friday.

To fully understand why her schedule went awry, I have to start at the very beginning. John got up for work at 5:30 am. My husband has an amazing ability to step on every creaky floor board in our house. By 5:45, Porgie was wide awake. I was way too tired to actually get my ass out of bed, so she happily played by herself in her crib until 6:30 am, when she finally fell back asleep. I went back to sleep too (actually I had been drifting in and out of sleep since 5:30).

I woke up at 9:00 am! 9:00 am!!! Porgie NEVER sleeps that late. NEVER. I woke Porgie up and we played for a few hours. When 11:00 am rolled around, I knew that she would have troubling going to sleep. I read her a few stories, feed her a bottle, and put her down in the crib. Of course, Porgie wasn't tired. She played in her crib until 1:00 pm, when she finally fell asleep.

In order for Porgie to function properly, she needs at least 1 1/2 hours of sleep. That would put us at 2:30 pm. Then I have to feed her lunch. That would put us at 3:00 pm. Then we would have to get dressed, and get ready to leave the house. That would put us at 3:30 pm. The garden was about 30 minutes away from my house. That would put us at 4:00 pm. And I would need to be home by 5:00 to start dinner. Obviously, this plan was not going to work.

So, I had to cancel our date with Rachel and Max. Rachel was super cool about the whole thing, but I feel bad nonetheless.

Friday, August 17, 2007

25 weeks

Time is just flying by. Can you believe I am already 25 weeks along? In a mere three months, I will have a little baby in my arms! Amazing.

Guess what else? Because I am super popular and totally cool and uber awesome, I have another date today. I am going to be hanging out with Rachel and Max. I am super excited and a little nervous about my date. Meeting Rachel seems strange, because I feel like I already know her from blogging.

Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful Friday.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

This is how I cook

I was tagged for a recipe meme. Obviously poor Eva has lost her mind - I don't cook. In an effort to be a good sport, here are my four "recipes."

- go to any grocery store
- purchase a box of poptarts (I recommend strawberry, but you can choose any flavor)
- take them out of wrapper
- put them in the toaster
- eat them

- go to any grocery store
- purchase a cup of yogurt
- remove the lid and peel off top
- eat with a spoon

Vegetarian Potpie
- go to your nearest health food store
- purchase a potpie
- follow the directions on the back of the box

Ice Cream
- go to any grocery store
- purchase a pint of ice cream (I recommend Ben & Jerry's)
- eat half of the container and save the rest for tomorrow

I am not going to tag anyone. If you want to play, the rules are listed below.

The rules:
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 4 recipes they especially like.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 4 recipes.
4. Players should tag 4 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

As promised...

Porgie LOVES playing in the yard. We have lots of fun running back and forth, working up a sweat. And yes Porgie can walk, but she can run with her walker. Look at her go...

Don't you love our dead lawn?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The end of an era

I think we have reached the end of swim classes at the YMCA. I have to admit, I am very upset. Miss Porgie seems to have lost interest in the classes. She likes being in the water, climbing out of the pool, and giving all the other moms high-fives. However, she doesn't actually like to participate in the class anymore.

During the lesson, the babies are supposed to perform several different exercises - kicking while on their backs, kicking while on their bellies, floating in the water, etc. Unfortunately, Porgie has started crying during each of these activities. The only activities she enjoys are the songs and jumping from the side of the pool.

So, when swim class ends next week, I am not going to sign her up for another class. This disturbs me for several reasons. First, I feel like Porgie is already bored, so taking away swim class will only intensify her fussy attitude. Second, this class was the only way for me to meet other mommies.

I do feel like I have forged friendships with two other moms, but both are going back to work in September. Although I would like to believe that we will continue our friendships, I know both women will be busy with their careers and families after September.

Don't feel sorry for my pathetic ass. I am looking into joining a MOMS group, so Porgie can play with other babies and I can meet other moms.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Pool party

A woman at the YMCA has a little boy who is 9 months old. I call him Oldman. He is always observing the world in a very serious manner. I never see Oldman smile or laugh, but I also never see him cry. He is just a very content little guy.

Anyways, Oldman and his mommy invited Porgie and I to come swim in their pool today. We are very excited. I am hoping that Porgie will be well-behaved. We have swim class at 10:00, then I am going to rush home and put her down for a nap at 11:00. Hopefully she will sleep until 1:00. At 1:30, we have the pool playdate. That is a lot of swimming in one day. But, if Porgie isn't in the mood for swimming, she can always run around.

Also, I have found a new activity for Porgie - playing in the yard. In the past, Porgie was always freaked out by the grass. But now I take Porgie's old-woman-walker outside and let her run. The only problem we have encountered is the sidewalk. I really want her to stay in the yard, but she insists on strolling up the sidewalk. We can't use our fenced in backyard because we have dogs. And dogs = poo.

Pictures of Porgie in the yard are coming soon...

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Porgie's new room

On Saturday, John and I stopped by Babies R' Us to look at crib bedding for Porgie's new room. I wanted an ABC themed bedding, but John didn't seem too happy with that idea. So we compromised, and settled on a fishy theme...The store was having a 15% off all bedding sale, so we bought the set. It will match the room color perfectly, so we won't have to paint. I was also thinking about buying some ceramic fish for the walls. Like these...I can't wait to buy her new furniture. I think we are going to go with something white. Like this...
Now I just need to find a bag of money.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Lets pretend that this is a video

In the past, many of my readers have requested videos of Porgie. Of course, I have never actually uploaded videos for you. I am sorry. And unfortunately, I am not going to start now.

Let me explain. We have two computer in our household. One is really old and slow. The other is fast and new. Unfortunately, the fast and new computer belongs to John's company. So, I am not allowed to put videos of my child on his computer. Our crappy, old computer has very little memory left on it, so I only download pictures - not videos. We leave all of the videos on the orginal discs they were recorded on.

So, I have no videos to upload for your viewing pleasure. However, I do have pictures. Lets pretend that this sequence of pictures is a video of Porgie walking...
Don't you just love how she keeps her arms flailed out the entire time! Damn, that video was adorable. Your welcome.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Highchairs and booster seats

Porgie has always been relatively good in her highchair. I could put her dinner on the tray, and she would happily gobble up her food. However, Porgie has decided to mix things up.

For about a week, Porgie was being a pain in the ass at dinner time. She would put food in her mouth, chew it up, and then spit it out. In case you were wondering, this is very annoying. And to top it all off, she would whine and cry the entire time.
So, we broke out the booster seat and strapped it to one of our chairs. For some strange reason, this has cured all of Porgie's problems. Dinner time is now a pleasure. Porgie eats her food, and kicks her feet, and smiles.

My little girl is getting so damn big! LOOK AT HER!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Does walking require lots of whining?

Since learning to walk, Porgie has been excessively fussy. Its starting to become a major problem in our household. She whines and cries so much, I find myself starting to snap at her. For example, everytime I go into the bathroom, Porgie wants to come with me. This would be fine, except she likes to push her walker into the bathroom too. Then she rolls that damn walker over my feet repeatedly, and she cries because it gets caught on the bath rugs. On more than one occassion, I have sternly ordered her out of the bathroom. Of course, this only makes her cry harder.

I think part of the problem stems from the fact that Porgie is bored. She has all these new skills, and I make her sit around the house all day. Its not my fault really. It was been so damn hot here, that I don't like taking her out of the house. We haven't been to the park in weeks. Also, in an effort to be fiscally responsible, I have tried to keep my trips to Target to a minimum. Whenever we go to that damn store, I end up spending WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. So, we have been spending a lot of time at home lately.

I also think part of the problem stems from my moody ass. As I mentioned last week, I have been an emotional wreck. I tend to be a little overly dramatic. Honestly, somedays I wonder if Porgie is the fussy one or if I am the fussy one. We both seem to be frustrated and overwhelmed.

I feel like we need a change, but I am not really sure what to do or where to begin.

Monday, August 6, 2007

I can't stop talking about sleeeeeep

I was wondering how long I could go without talking about sleep. Apparently, not very long at all.

Porgie has been sleeping like an angel for about a month. She goes right to sleep at 7:30 pm, and sleeps until about 7:00 am. It has been an amazing and restful month. A wonderful month. Probably the best month I have had (in the sleep department) since Porgie was born 14 months ago.

Then last night happened. I put her down at 7:30 pm, but she absolutely refused to go to sleep. At 8:30, I went in to check on her. She was happy as a clam, crawling around her crib. I left the room, and she continued playing in her crib. At 9:30, Porgie started crying. I went in to check on her, and realized that she had pooped. I changed her diaper, read her another story, and put her back in the crib. She happily played for another hour.

My child did not go to sleep until almost 11:00 pm. Isn't that insane? This is a child who is on a strict schedule. She goes to bed at 7:30 EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I don't care what we are doing or where we are at - WE HAVE TO BE HOME BY 7:00!!! No exceptions and no excuses.

I was hoping that maybe Porgie would make up for her late bedtime, by sleeping in this morning. No such luck. Porgie was up and ready to go at 6:00 am. Babies are confusing little creatures.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Clumsy asshole

At night, John and I usually put all of our cats outside. Our cats are like roosters. At 5:30 am, when the sun starts shining in the morning sky, the cats will start meowing. Without fail, they always wake Porgie up. This is just completely unacceptable. So, the cats go outside before we go to bed, and they come in after Porgie gets up in the morning.

John usually catches all of the cats. But as I mentioned yesterday, John has thrown is back out. So, being the sweet wife that I am, I decided to catch the cats last night. Pudgey gets to stay inside due to her recent asthma attack, so I had to catch the three other cats. I caught the first two with ease. The third cat ran down the basement stairs. I went to follow him down the stairs, but I didn't make it very far. After walking down about two steps, I slipped and fell down about 6 more steps before I finally managed to stop myself from tumbling down the entire flight of stairs.

All of this happened about twenty minutes before bedtime. Of course, I was racked with fear. And of course, John promptly went to bed, with nary a worry. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I got up and posted about the incident. Then I googled "falling down stairs while pregnant" and got myself worked up into a frenzy.

Around midnight, I finally fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I did feel a few faint movements. Throughout the day, I have felt more distinctive and strong movements. But because I am insane, I have been analyzing each movement and worrying that little Izzy has been less active than usual. I know that I am being neurotic. If my doctor's office was open on Sundays, I would definitely go in to be checked out. Because I have felt Izzy move, I feel like going to the hospital is ridiculous.

Sorry it took me so long to update. Between my broken husband, my fussy little girl, and my insane fears, I didn't have much time to post today.

Saturday, August 4, 2007


I just fell down the fucking basement stairs. Of course, I am a nervous wreck. I wish the baby would start moving, and put my restless mind at ease.

Thank Goodness Its Not Friday (TGINF)

Yesterday was suppose to be a fun day. John was working in Atlantic City. Porgie and I were suppose to meet him at noon. We were all going to go to Brigantine beach, for a day of fun in the sun. YAY!!!!

Unfortunately, that is not what happened. About twenty minutes before leaving for the beach, John called to tell me that he had an emergency call in Pennsylvania. So, no beach for us. I was a little disappointed, but he assured me that he would be home by 5:00 pm.

Porgie was in an exceptionally fussy mood (actually, she has been in a fussy mood for like 10 days. Its getting old.). The only thing that would make her happy was me chasing her around the house. Of course, after 30 minutes of this game, I was exhausted. So the fussy mood continued ALL DAY.

At 3:00 pm, John called to tell me that he had just received another emergency call in Baltimore. BALTIMORE, MARYLAND. 3 HOURS AWAY FROM OUR HOUSE. I was pissed. I fucking hate when John gets all these random calls, which ruin our plans.

So, I had to deal with Porgie's fussy ass for the remainder of the day. When 7:00 pm finally arrived, I happily put Porgie to bed.

Starving and exhausted, I decided to order pizza for myself. I didn't really want pizza - I just wanted some mozzarella cheese sticks. So, I order a small pizza and a LARGE order of cheese sticks. Thirty minutes later, I received a small pizza and a tossed salad. I DIDN'T WANT A SALAD, I WANTED DEEP-FRIED CHEESE. I was about to call and complain, but then I decided that maybe a tossed salad was a better option. I ate the salad, but I wasn't very happy.

John finally got home at 10:00 pm. He came in the house all haunched over like a 90 year old man. He threw his back out. Wonderful.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My only option

As most of you know, I do not have a great relationship with my mother. We are polar opposites of one another. For about 7 years, we have struggled to maintain a semi-friendly relationship. I like to think of my blog as a relatively happy place, and discussing my mother would make my blog a bitter and angry place. Since this post is about my mother, be perpared for a bitter and angry entry.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Izzy, I instantly started worrying about childcare during my hospital stay. I really wanted Bean to come to NJ to watch Porgie and to help out with the new baby. However, when I suggested this option, Bean was uncomfortable with the idea. I respect her decision, because she has two children of her own.

My next option was John's dad and stepmom. However, John's dad has been battling lots of health issues lately. But, I thought that by November he might be feeling better. So, we asked him and of course he refused. I can also respect his decision, because he has been really sick.

A few other options passed through my head - like John's mom or my grandmother. However, both of these options were quickly dismissed. John's mom is slightly insane. John's brother lives about 30 mintues away from his mother, and she won't go visit him becuase she is afraid of getting lost. So, obviously she isn't going to fly to NJ. Additionally, she really gets on my nerves, so I am not sure I even want her here. And my grandma is just too old. Also, she has somehow contracted a staph infection. She has been battling the infection for months, and is also quite ill.

So, guess who I had to ask? My mother. Our conversation went something like this:

Me - "I was wondering if you could come to New Jersey in November to care for Porgie while I am in the hospital."

Mom - "No. I just don't have the money."

Me - "What if we paid for your plane ticket?"

Mom - "If you're paying, then I'll definitely come!"

This conversation really pissed me off. The least she could have done is act like she would start saving money.

Since asking her, I have been kicking myself in the ass. I m not sure I even trust her with Porgie. And my mother is obsessed with the fact that I don't feed Porgie milk or meat. I know that she will feed Porgie something I don't approve of. And she smokes continously, and obviously I don't want her smoking around my baby girl. And my mother has hepatitis. So, I don't want her sharing her food or beverages with Porgie. And my mother...

I could complain for hours, but I won't.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I am a total nut case

I am not a weepy person. I don't cry very often. However, I have somehow transformed into a complete emotional basketcase. For some strange reason, I now cry at the drop of a hat. I am kind of disturbed by my newfound emotional state.

Since becoming pregnant, I have probably cried at least 639 times. I cried after getting a HUGE doctor bill. I cried after arguing with the insurance company (on multiple occassions). I cried when I could not schedule an appointment with a doctor at my new ob/gyn office. Basically, I have cried over something trivial at least once a week for the past 5 months.

However, this weekend's emotional outbrust really takes the cake. It all started Saturday afternoon. I have been having some near-fainting episodes (with dizziness and loss of vision), so John has been trying to help out more around the house. Saturday morning, he agreed to do the laundry, which was wonderful.

Before continuing this story, I have to mention that my pregnancy warobe is very small. I was pregnant with Porgie during the winter and spring, so the majority of my maternity clothes are jeans and long-sleeve shirts. Of course, I can't wear winter clothing during the summer. Trying to be fisically responsible, I have only purchased two pair of maternity capris, and about 4 maternity shirts. I know, I know - I need more clothing. I find myself washing my capris multiple times per week. Its ridiculous.

So, Saturday morning I folded up my outfit for the day and sat it on the bed. However, I have a little girl who likes to toss everything on the floor. When I wasn't looking, Porgie threw my clothes on the floor. John then came behind her and put them in the dirty clothes hamper. A few hours later, I went to get dressed. I couldn't find my ONLY clean maternity outfit. When I asked John where they were, he informed me that they were in the washing machine.

I know this sound completely insane, but I totally lost my shit. I started crying. I was crying hysterically because I didn't have any clothes to wear to the grocery store. Yes, I am a nut case.

After the episode was over, I felt like a total jackass. What the hell is wrong with me?