Breastfeeding is HARD

When I was pregnant, I decided that breastfeeding was the best thing I could do for my baby. The thought that my body could support and nourish her was amazing. I wanted to experience the bonding and closeness that breastfeeding entails. Most importantly, I wanted my baby to be healthy.

After the c-section, I became very ill. I was vomiting into a bucket, while shaking violently. I felt cold, but I was sweating profusely. The room was spinning, and I just kept vomiting. Apparently, my body did not like the medication they had used during the surgery. I actually vomited several times, while they were performing the c-section. Porgie was taken to the nursery to go under a warmer. The nurse came in and asked if she could give my baby a bottle of formula. Between heaves, I agreed. I just could imagine trying to breastfeed her. This was my first mistake.

After the vomiting , hot flashes, and shakes dissipated, Porgie was brought into my room. She was so beautiful and fragile and small. I fell in love instantly. I remember thinking that she looked just like my husband, but had my nose. I tried to breastfeed Porgie, but we encountered a problem. She absolutely refused to open her mouth wide enough to get a good latch. After several attempts, Porgie was crying and so was I. We called the lactation consultant, who showed up for about three seconds. She forcefully shoved Porgie's head into my breast and left a stack of information. Then she was gone. I wish that I had demanded more instruction on getting a proper latch. This was my second mistake.

The struggle with getting Porgie to latch continued for the next three days. She would get so hungry, she would begin crying hysterically. The nurses would come in and suggest formula. Thinking more clearly this time around, I would not let them give her a bottle. So, they fed her formula with a syringe (without the needle, of course). By day four, my milk had finally come in and Porgie was starting to latch. We were sent home with our new little bundle of joy.

After being home for a day or two my nipples started to hurt. Well, not just hurt - it felt like Porgie was going to rip my nipples off. My nipples started to crack and bleed. Every time I tried to feed her, I wanted to scream. The pain was intense. But trying to be a good mommy, I fought through the pain and continued to breastfeed. However, we had developed a new problem. Everytime I tried to nurse Porgie, she fell asleep. I would rub her head, burp her frequently, and even undress her. Nothing seemed to keep her awake. However, when I layed her down in the bassinet, she would instantly start screaming. So, I would try to breastfeed her again, with the same results.

When I went back to my OB to have my staples removed, I told her about my bleeding nipples. She took one look at them and told me to go rent a breast pump. She explained that I needed to give my nipples time to heal. She recommended that I pump for 3 days and to let my husband give Porgie bottles of expressed breastmilk. So, I rented the pump. For three days I pumped, while John gave her bottles. I was only able to pump 10 cc of breastmilk from each breast, so we supplemented with a little formula.

After the three days, my nipples felt 75 % better, so we started breastfeeding exclusively again. Once again, Porgie would fall asleep before filling her tummy and wake up right when I layed her down in the bassinet. She seemed to be crying A LOT. I felt like something just wasn't right.

At Porgie's first doctor's appointment, she had not regained her birth weigh. The doctor didn't seem very concerned, but she recommended I talk with their lactation consultation. Once again, the LC didn't seem very helpful. So, I went home and continued to nurse Porgie exclusively, despite the fact that she always cried when our nursing session was over.

The next week Porgie had still not regained her birth weight. The LC recommended that I start giving Porgie a bottle of formula after every breastfeeding session, just to top her off. Not wanting to use that evil formula and bottle, I stubbornly continued to breastfeed exclusively. Do you see a theme here? I am a stubborn asshole.

So week three rolls around, and Porgie had still not regained her birth weight. Let me specify that she had not lost weight, but she had only gained an ounce or two. The doctor (a different doctor from the first two visits) seemed very alarmed. She told me that Porgie HAD to start taking formula - at least 24 ounces per day. She basically said that my baby wasn't thriving and that something had to change. I started crying. I explained how I breastfeed her constantly and how she still cried and cried and cried. She proclaimed that formula would solve all my problems. I didn't like this doctor.

I left her office and cried all the way home. I was ready to give up breastfeeding. It was causing me nothing but heartache. It certainly wasn't the magical bonding experience that I thought it was going to be.

That night, I gave Porgie Formula. She gulped it down. For the first time in weeks, she appeared content. I cried again. I felt like I had been starving my baby. Why didn't I listen to my instincts? Why didn't I listen to the LC?

The pump I had rented was still sitting on my table. That night, I decided to start pumping for Porgie and supplementing with formula as needed. My milk supply was surprisingly low. I could only get about an ounce total per pumping session. To get my milk supply up, I started pumping 8 times a day. I would still breastfeed Porgie when she needed comforting, and I always breastfeed her at night.

Overtime, my milk supply slowly began to increase. Unfortunately, as time passed Porgie's interest in breastfeeding declined. By 3 months, she would scream her little head off when I tried to nurse her. So, I stopped trying to breastfeed her and pumped exclusively for the next 3 months. By the time she was 6 months old, I was pumping about 24 ounces per day. Porgie only took one bottle of formula per day.

When Porgie turned 6 months old, John and I were planning a trip to visit both his family and mine. John had been hinting that maybe I should stop pumping. I realized that pumping was difficult for me, but it was also a burden for him. I was constantly cutting family outings short to get home to pump. I often asked him to do extra baby chores so that I could pumped. I would get out of bed at ungodly hours to pump.

So with a heavy heart, I made the decision to stop pumping. This was an extremely difficult decision. I felt like I was letting Porgie down. I felt selfish. John was supportive, but he didn't understand my feelings of guilt. It just made me sad knowing that I was deciding to stop, when my body was clearly willing to produce milk for her. It still makes me sad almost 2 months later. I wish that I had made it until her 1st birthday. I think I'll always feel a sense of remorse about my decision.

On a positive note, Porgie doesn't really seem to care whether I give her formula or breastmilk. I always secretly thought that she liked breastmilk better than formula, but apparently I was wrong. She gulps down her formula and begs for more. I have so much to be thankful for. She is a healthy and happy baby girl.