Friday, January 30, 2009

My Manly Ballerina

A few nights ago, Porgie wanted to put on her butterfly wings...
Izzy was very upset, because he wanted to wear butterfly wings too. Since we don't have two sets of butterfly wings, I had to improvise...I think the camouflage pajamas add a masculine flare.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hello friends

We had a break-through last night. Porgie ate dinner! She ate an entire plate of food. We had soy ravioli, which tasted fabulous apparently. So, that was great. We have also been working on getting Izzy to eat table food, and he scarfed down his ravioli too. So, I highly recommend this product.Sorry I have been such a downer lately. I don't know what is wrong with me. I seem to be swinging between highs and lows. I think my mood swings stem from the fact that Izzy just dropped another nursing session. I think my hormones have gone completely wacky. My baby boy is a freaking toddler. He is 14 months old. I just want to freeze time and stay in this phase for a few years. My kids are such great little people. I love them to pieces.

I think I am also a little off kilter because I haven't been leaving the house much lately. Between being fiscally responsible, having icy/snowy weather, and being sick, I haven't had the opportunity to interact with people. And it is kind of depressing. But we are going to the Children's Museum this afternoon, so hopefully that will lighten the mood around here.

To recap, happiness is soy ravioli, nursing your baby, and getting out of the damn house.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Identity crisis

Anxiety. I have lots of anxiety.

When my kids enter kindergarten, I will have to rejoin the workforce. I have a bachelor's degree in elementary education, but I am not sure that I want to continue teaching. Where does that leave me? What can I do with my degree? Although I am fairly confident that I don't want to teach, I have no idea what I would rather do. Nothing sounds interesting.

I have thought about going back to school to get another degree. I have even looked at the academic program guide for a local community college. Unfortunately, none of their degrees sound appealing to me either.

When I think about the logistics of actually working, I just don't understand how I am going to make it work. Who will be home to watch the children at 3 pm? Who will watch the children for Christmas break, Spring break, and Summer break? I guess most people rely on family members for support in this area, but I do not have that luxury.

And then sometimes I think about staying home and home schooling my kids. But then I worry about turning my children into social retards. Every home schooled kid I have ever met was weird - no offense to any home schooled people out there.

Am I going through a mid-life crisis or something? I feel so insecure and unsure about my path in life. And the worst part is, I have YEARS before I have to worry about these problems. Why are they keeping me awake at night?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Thank you

Thank you for all of your kind words and support. I really needed to hear your encouraging words, because yesterday was really tough. When I was at my breaking point, ready to chase Porgie around with a spoonful of food, Amanda wrote this, "oh how i wish my mom would have heard that quote...i could go on and on with details - her weighing me in the morning before school, having the lunch ladies check my tray before i could get up from my seat, the timer at dinner, the hidden veggies, the eating disorder...instead i will just say thank you and good luck. you can do it! and you both will be much happier." I cried just a little when I read her comment. Because if I don't get myself in check now, I can easily see myself in her mother's role.

We started the day with a bowl of Cheerios. Porgie didn't eat any of her cereal. Not even one bite. She cried most of the morning, and begged for Crunchies. When lunch rolled around, I was positive that she would eat. I made her peas, pasta, and tofu. She ate 1 single pea and a two bites of tofu. And then she asked to get down. It killed my soul, but I let her down. She then promptly asked for some graham crackers. At that point, I made the desicion that snacks had to be offered at a set time and that she had to eat them in her highchair. Otherwise, she was going to refuse her meals and gorge herself on snacks. When I refused her the crackers and offered her more tofu, she cried and then I cried. When naptime rolled around, Porgie was rattling on and on about cheese and bread, and I wanted to cry again. When she woke, I gave her a snack in her highchair. For an hour or two afterward, everything seemed like it would be okay. Porgie was in good spirits, playing and singing. Then we had dinner, and our good vibe promptly ended. Porgie ate a handful of frech fries and three nibbles of her veggie burger. She asked to get down and I grudgingly obliged.

It was a tough day my friends. A really tough day. If I had taken over the reins and started spoon feeding her, I am positive that I could have made her eat most of her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But I did not resume my bullying role. Instead, I let Porgie decide what and how much she wanted to eat. I know that she didn't eat enough. I know that she went to bed hungry. But I also know that I cannot continue to control Porgie's diet. I need to let her feed herself, listen to her own body, and make her own decisions about food.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I have feeding issues

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these last few days. Why do I feel responsible for MAKING Porgie eat? How did I let her eating habits get so out of control? How am I going to change our situation?

I like being in control. I set mealtimes, bedtimes, and bath times. I decide what the kids will eat, which clothes they will wear, and which play dates we will attend. I keep close tabs on what the kids watch on TV, which books they read at home, and which music we listen to in the car. I call all the shots around here. So naturally, I thought it was my responsibility to control the type and amount of food that my children ate. As a result, I dread mealtimes because Porgie is always defying me. She spits out food, refuses to swallow the food in her mouth, and sometimes she refuses to even touch her meal. At first, I thought that this was just typical toddler behavior. But I think we are crossing into a whole new area of defiance. My child would rather not eat, than deal with my bossy and controlling attitude. I said it before, and I'll say it again - I SUCK.

Although this issue might seem trivial to you, it has consumed my thoughts for months. How do I change our habits? Do I have the willpower to let her refuse dinner and go to bed hungry? And for a while, I didn't have the willpower. She would refuse to eat, and I would push harder. But I am done. I don't want to distort Porgie's ideas about food. I want her to listen to her body's hunger signals. I want her to have healthy eating habits. But really, I just want her to be a happy and healthy little girl.

On the way to the grocery store this afternoon, I stopped at Borders. I was flipping through a book, when I saw this quote, "Parents are responsible for what is presented to eat and the manner in which it is presented. Children are responsible for how much or even whether they eat." I am making a poster of this quote, and I am hanging it in my kitchen. Every time I feel the urge to be a food bully, I am going to read these wise words. Thank you Ellyn Satter.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Things are better and worse

Where has all the time gone? I have been trapped in my house with vomiting babies for an entire week - 7 WHOLE DAYS. Although my children have been annoying, my husband has been unbearable. Seriously, he is the most obnoxious sick person. It was too much to bear - the whining, the moaning, the complaining, the demanding, the mopping, and the detailed accounts of his every ache and pain. AHHHHH! By Friday evening, we were arguing about all kinds of stupid shit - the Obama Administration, sterilization in China, and conservative Republicans. It was a rough evening. On the bright side, I am feeling much better today. Although the kids are still vomiting occasionally, they seem to be in good spirits.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that we are going to have some problems with Porgie's puking. Remember when we went through that whole "puking to get attention" phase in the summer? I am not positive, but I think Porgie might have forced some of her most recent puking episodes. Ugh. Damn kids. They make everything so hard. I know that this sounds crazy, but I feel like I have completely failed Porgie in the eating department. She doesn't like to sit in her highchair, she usually refuses to feed herself, and she thinks that puking is a great way to manipulate me at mealtimes. All of these things are my fault. We are obviously deeply entrenched in a food power struggle, but I am having trouble letting go of my power. And my baby girl is the one suffering. I suck.

I am definitely in a funk right now. I need more sunlight. I need more adult conversation. I need more alone time. But ultimately, I just need to leave the damn house.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Holy crap people. HOLY CRAP! We are enduring the worst virus to ever plague our household. We have puke, diarrhea, and stomach cramps galore. It is nearly a week later and Porgie is still vomiting. My poor Izzy still has explosive diarrhea. My stomach still hurts. And John is a complete wreck. Pray for us internets.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Puke gag puke and other random things

There has been puking at my house. Lots and lots of puking. Porgie started puking Saturday evening. She puked and puked and puked. Then she dry heaved, because she had nothing left to puke. Poor kid. She continued puking on Sunday. The only thing she could hold down was applesauce and water. Monday the puke-fest continued, except Porgie managed to keep down a bowl of cheerios too. YAY! And today, I have yet to see any puke spewing from my daughter's mouth. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for Izzy to start barfing.

SOOOO, things had been gross around here lately. On a positive note, we have been sticking to our new budget. I made dinner last night using my handy dandy crock pot. I prepared veggie jambalaya, and it was delicious. AND I intend to make dinner again today. Can you say Suzie Homemaker?

In other news, we took down all of our baby gates this weekend! I feel like a free woman! I had no idea how liberating it is to walk unhindered through your own house. Amazing! We actually had three gates dispersed throughout our house. We used them originally to corral Porgie into the living room while Izzy was napping. When that was no longer an issue, we arranged the gates to keep Izzy out of the kitchen. Since that is no longer an issue, the gates are obsolete. And I am free at last!

In dieting news, I am officially a fat ass. I think instead of fighting it, I am just going to try to except my lot in life as a cow. I am addicted to Pepperidge Farm cookies - specifically Brussels. I can't stop thinking about them. Even worse, I can't stop eating them. Oh, and I have also developed a love for Maple Leaf Cookies. Porgie has developed a love for the Maple Leaf Cookies too, because they taste like a little piece of heaven, right here on Earth.

Today is inauguration day! Are you excited? I am elated! Did you know that I attended Bush's inauguration in 2005? I stood on the parade route and booed him. I even flipped him the bird because I am classy like that. I wish I could go and cheer for Obama today, but alas, I have two small children to take care of. But I'll definitely be watching on TV.

Okay, I have tortured you enough for today.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Two years already?

As of today, I officially have two full years of blogging under my belt. And the truly amazing thing is that I still really enjoy it! When I first started writing, I was just an excessively worried mother of a 6 month old baby girl. Now, I am just the excessively worried mother of a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 1 year old boy. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I love you internets. I can't wait to see what the next 12 months will bring. As I venture into my third year of writing, I hope you'll be with me every step of the way!

January 2007January 2008January 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

Snowy Day

We woke up yesterday morning and discovered that it had snowed (a little)! I promptly bundled the kids up, and we headed outside to play.Two seconds later, Izzy fell head first onto the concrete and scraped up his little forehead. Sadly, our snow adventure was already over. Porgie was very upset, because she wanted to continue playing in the snow. Fortunately, I was able to lure her back inside with promises of hot chocolate...
And a good time was had by all!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

America is crumbling

John and I have recently made the decision to start being more frugal with our money. No more home improvement projects, no more eating out 2 or 3 times per week, no more impulse purchases online or at Target. Although it feels incredibly good to actually be SAVING money, it is kind of depressing too.

The depressing part stems mainly from the fact that we now have to actually cook dinner. Cooking? Yuck. I hate cooking. Seriously. I HATE it. But nonetheless, I am going to try to pull my weight and actually prepare 2 or 3 meals per week. But because I am lazy, I intend to use the crock pot A LOT. Any good recipes?

The reason we are suddenly so determined to save our money is because my husband is very worried about the economy. He often talks about storing food for "emergencies." He is growing increasingly distrustful of all banks. And he has absolutely no faith in our politicians. Although I don't necessarily agree with John on every issue, I HAVE been disillusioned by our "free market" system. My blood boils when I think about the fact that corporate debt is being socialized, while profit is being privatized. The American people are being screwed. The middle class continues to shrink, while corporate fat cats rake in our tax dollars. And what about the working class? Very little of the bailout money has been used to directly help home owners. Instead, the government is mindlessly throwing money at the credit industry. AHHHHH!

So, we are pinching pennies and eating at home every night. Thanks America!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Baby fever?

In my humble opinion, newborns are tough. They cry a lot and poop a lot. And in my experience, they never sleep. But despite all of their crazy antics, I still want more babies. The newborn phase is so fleeting, and toddlers are so much fun!

My husband would probably have a heart attack if I even mentioned having more children right now, but it is something I often think about. I love kids. They are funny little creatures. And I definitely want more. Although we certainly have our hands full with our two beautiful babies, I still think about trying for a third.

Unfortunately, there is a gap growing between what I want and what John wants. It sucks, because I often feel angry with him when we talk about future children. He is completely content with our little family. He often tells me how lucky we are to have two perfect babies. And he is right. We have been very blessed. But, our family just doesn't feel complete. We need another little body running around this house. Another little voice to add to the noise. Another little smile to melt our hearts.

But I can't make my husband want the same things that I want.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


The world is a cruel and harsh place. My baby boy hasn't been nursing much lately. This has been making me feel sad and weepy. And then I woke up this morning to discover that my period has finally returned. FUCK! And then I opened the refrigerator and realized that I was completely out of Coca Cola Classic. DOUBLE FUCK!

This is all I have to offer you today...

Monday, January 12, 2009

The way to my heart

My fourth wedding anniversary is fast approaching. If you were reading my blog last year, you probably remember that my husband FORGOT our anniversary. I would like to say that I didn't really care, but that would be a lie. I was angry with him for weeks.

I learned my lesson last year, so I have been talking about our anniversary constantly. If he forgets this year, I might have to kill him. Anyways, I have told him in no uncertain terms that I want a dishwasher as a gift. He keeps telling me that we don't have enough space for a dishwasher. So last night, I may have implied that we should buy a new house to remedy the problem.

I want a damn dishwasher! I feel like I am the only person on the face of the planet who washes everything by hand. It is time consuming and boring. And well, I just want a dishwasher! If I cannot have my beloved dishwasher, I don't want anything else. Yes, I am a whiny 4 year old.

Love is a shiny new dishwasher...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Memory lane

Izzy - 1 day old
Porgie - 1 day old

Izzy - 6 months old
Porgie - 6 months old

Izzy - 1 year old
Porgie - 1 year old

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Control Issues

I want to talk about my weight goals today. Fortunately, I managed to lose those last 10 pounds before our trip to KY. When we left in mid December, I weighed 168 pounds - my thinnest weight in three years. And it was fabulous. Everyone commented on how great I looked, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt WONDERFUL about my appearance. So wonderful, that I let myself indulge in a few sweet treats.

Okay, that is an understatement. In reality, I went off the deep end with junk food. I ate cookies and chocolate and cheese cake. I ate pancakes and french toast and waffles (smothered in syrup - of course). I ate fast food and pizza and all-you-can-eat buffets. Basically, I stuffed myself silly for our entire trip. And it felt WONDERFUL.

I told myself that I would get back on my diet when we got home. But that never happened. In fact, I think I have been worse at home than I was on our trip. I just made a batch of brownies yesterday afternoon. And I bought some Pepperidge Farm cookies at the store. Honestly, I feel a little out of control. I just keep popping crap into my mouth - the more sugar, the better.

I need to get my cravings under control. I need to get my hunger under control. I need to get MYSELF under control.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I live in a world of chaos. I seem to always forget vitally important items at home. My diaper bag is disgusting. My van is covered in half eaten crackers and dirty clothes. My appearance is often disheveled. And I am scatterbrained.

I have two small children, but all of my friends have one child. This often leaves me feeling like a complete spaz. I seem to be the only person who doesn't have their shit together. This makes me want to stay home with my rambunctious toddlers. Ugh. I hate feeling inadequate.

Yet at the same time, I feel like I can handle way more than my friends with one child. Have they ever had to console two screaming babies at the same time? Have they ever attempted to get two babies dressed and out of the house in a timely manner? Have they ever had to keep a running tally of two children's fears and phobias? Have they tried to maintain two completely different nap schedules for their children, while still making time for play dates, shopping trips, and visits to the park? I think not.

Yes, I may be disheveled and slightly confused, but rest assure that I am AWESOME.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Spoons and such

For the past YEAR, I have not been putting Porgie in her highchair. Shortly after Izzy was born, she started screaming every time I put her in it. In addition to her screaming, I was also confined to the couch, nursing my newborn for 22 hours out of every day. So it was just easier to feed her while she played, instead of putting her into the highchair. I didn't really care at first, because John and I usually ate in the living room anyways.

When Izzy started solids, I claimed that I was going to put Porgie back in her highchair at mealtimes. But that never happened. Instead, I continued to chase her around the house with food. I would not let her feed herself, because I was afraid that she would ruin our carpet. So, I had to feed her every single bite. Honestly, I didn't really mind feeding her every bite. I didn't even mind letting her run around the living room during mealtimes. The thing that bothered me was that she wasn't feeding herself. She needed to learn how to operate a fork and spoon.

This weekend I made a decision. I decided that we were going to start letting Porgie feed herself in the highchair. And guess what? She hasn't thrown a tantrum. Not even one. And she is really good with a spoon. Sometimes she whines to get down after a few bites, but when I explain that she won't get a cookie, she is usually happy to finish her meal.

I have a problem with always expecting the worst. And I am usually pleasantly surprised.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Did you miss me?

Holy crap internet! Where have I been? I would love to tell you that I have been super busy with my family and friends, but that would be a lie. Instead, my computer broke. I got the black screen of death. No fun. John has finally managed to get my desktop to load, but my monitor is still all screwy. Oh, and my battery won't hold a charge. Damn technology. We do have another computer down stairs, but that would require me to walk down a flight of stairs, and well, that just isn't going to happen.

Not having access to the internet is quite strange. At first, I was sure that I would die from boredom. Fortunately, that never happened. I have been keeping myself busy with the last season of Sopranos, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and various crocheting projects. In case you were wondering, I seem to have fallen completely off of the eating healthy bandwagon. I have been indulging in ice cream, cookies, brownies, and unlimited amounts of Coca Cola Classic. I plan on getting back on my diet next Monday. But I am fairly confident that I am going to end up at Baskin Robbins midday, devouring a strawberry milkshake. Mmmmmm...strawberry milkshakes. Do you like strawberries? I love strawberry favored ANYTHING.

Let's see...regardless of my negative tone in the last post, we actually had a decent Christmas. I was so glad we went back. The kids LOVED being the center of attention - especially Porgie. I had the opportunity to see my family and a good friend. John got to spend some quality time with his dad. And my mother finally got to play with her grandbabies. The only real problems we encountered involved naps and my MIL, but overall it was still a good trip.

On the second day of our vacation, my grandmother fell down her front stairs and couldn't get back up. She had to lay in the -2 degree weather screaming for help, until a very sweet woman came out of her house and helped my granny get up. After the tumbled, she was having trouble walking. My family convinced her to go to the hospital, but she checked out with a clean bill of health. During the remainder of our trip, my grandma was so stiff and sore. She could barely move off the couch. I am so glad that she was able to visit with the kids and spend some quality time with them. I am really worried about my granny and her well being.

John has been on vacation for the past 2 weeks. He went back to work this morning. It was nice having him around so much. Just in the past week, Izzy began favoring Dada over Mama. He wanted to be held by Daddy constantly, which was great for me because that kid is HEAVY. But now I am back to the back breaking labor of lifting my 13 month old child. DARN!

Speaking of Izzy, we are having some napping trouble with him. The kid seems to be under the impression that he no longer needs to nap. Most days he refuses his morning nap - which is fine. But now he is resisting his afternoon nap too. He is CRAZY if he thinks that I am going to let him stay awake ALL DAY. Needless to say, there have been some tears shed over here in Cakerwakerville. Poor little guy.

Have you had enough yet? No? Well good, because I have plenty more to say. See you tomorrow!