Christmas cookies

At the last minute I decided to bake my neighbors cookies for Christmas.  This year I made chocolate thumbprint cookies w/strawberry jelly, caramel pecan bars, shortbread cookies w/ chocolate centers, chocolate chip cookies, and Santa whiskers.  I surely hope my neighbors enjoyed these yummy treats, because it was extremely hard getting everything done with Guppy on my hip.

Also, here is a picture of my latest pie creation - a chocolate hazelnut tart...

I am bound and determined to gain 20 pounds (which is odd, since I really need to lose about 20 pounds).

Nothing is ever easy

Do you know what is really REALLY REALLY hard for a naturally chubby girl? Maintaining a weight loss.

I hit my goal weight! Of course, I am not like super skinny or anything. However, I am at a healthy, normal weight for my height (when I left the overweight category, I did cartwheels across my living room). And I am happy with where I am at. Honestly, I can't imagine being much thinner - that would just be entirely too difficult (have I mentioned how much I like dessert?).

Anyways, when I stepped on the scale this morning, the magical number I have had my eye on finally popped up. This should have been a fabulous moment, but it really wasn't. I just don't know where to go from here. Do I set a new thinner goal (probably not). How do I maintain my current weight (especially with the holidays fast approaching)?

This has been a lifelong problem for me. I can lose weight, but I never seem to be able to maintain it. I always end up falling back into my old habits. When I am dieting, I am hungry. When I eat until I am full, I am overweight. So how in the heck I am I supposed to maintain my current weight and be happy? Because friends, food = happiness in my neck of the woods.

I am awesome. SERIOUSLY!

I am like the BEST housewife ever. Seriously, I have been rocking this housewife gig lately. Behold my latest creation...That would be homemade pumpkin pie. And not pumpkin out of a can! No, I baked a pumpkin, scraped out the flesh, pureed everything, and then baked a pie (with a crust made from scratch too, of course). Gosh, I am so darn AWESOME!

Wardobe

For the past few months, I have been buying new clothes for the winter. I bought some jeans on clearance at Old Navy in the summer ($6 a pair!). They were a little snug, but I was confident that they would fit perfect by November. I have also been buying shirts whenever I see something cheap and cute.

I haven't really talked about it much, but after I got my braces in April, I made the decision to lose some weight. I was just feeling overwhelming unattractive with my fat rolls and my metal mouth. For the past 6 months, I have been a super star dieter. I have been eating less, exercising more, and eater smaller desserts. Yes, I still eat dessert every night. Without dessert, I would fall off the diet band wagon within a week.

After all of this hard work, I have almost reached my goal weight. I am nearly the same size I was in high school. GASP! Every time I step on the scale, I get a little giddy. And it motivates me even more to follow my diet. It has been a wonderful cycle, and frankly, it is not something I am used to. Usually my diets work in the opposite direction - I get discouraged because I am not losing weight, therefore I eat more and gain weight.

With the cooler weather approaching, I decided to try on all of my new clothes I have been buying. I was super excited about the prospect of not wearing a belt with my jeans. But things did not go exactly as I had planned. My clothes are too big. My pretty new clothes that I have been scrimping and saving to buy for months, don't even fucking fit me! The shirts are definitely do able, but my pants are just HUGE. I have mentioned before that I have no ass. This is a major problem when it comes to buying pants. If my jeans are even slightly big, the ass of my pants is all saggy and horrible looking. I need tight fitting jeans to make my ass look good.

I should have saved all my receipts, but I didn't. I keep having crazy, irrational thoughts about maybe gaining 5-10 pounds back. I know I am being annoying, "Woe is me, I lost too much weight." But for me, half the joy of losing weight is getting to buy new cute clothes that fit my new cute body. So, I am disappointed.

Breakfast

I don't usually eat breakfast. When I was a kid, I never woke up early enough to have breakfast. When I was working, I actually tried to start eating breakfast, but I just wasn't hungry at 7 o'clock in the morning. So once again, I skipped breakfast. When I was pregnant with Porgie, John made me eat breakfast every morning. Since I seemed so resistant to food in the morning, he would make me strawberry smoothies. Yum! But after I gave birth, I reverted back to my breakfast-less ways. With Izzy, I developed an intense love of cereal. I seriously ate 2 to 3 bowls of cereal every morning for 9 months. Once again, after I gave birth, I gave up breakfast.

But now, in my old age, I feel like I need to start eating breakfast. I have been super crabby in the mornings lately. And I keep overeating at lunchtime. Not good friends. Not good. In my defense, I am starving by lunchtime, so I just shovel in any food in my general vicinity.

Now, not being a breakfast person, I would like some help. What are some good, healthy options for breakfast? I don't want to eat empty calories and sugar (like waffles or pancakes). I am also trying to avoid cereal (because I am really just a huge 6 year old, who only likes sugary cereal with cartoon characters on the front). I want something that will keep me full until lunch, without being loaded with sugar, carbs, or fat. Enlighten me internet. What do you eat for breakfast?

Carrots

My husband just pulled all of the fingerling carrots we planted in our garden this year. We actually had a carrot mishap in the spring. While my husband was planting the carrots, Porgie decided to pick up the envelope of seeds. Of course they spilled everywhere. Have you ever seen a carrot seed? They are really really small. So, instead of a row of 10 carrots, we ended up with carrots EVERYWHERE.

To use my carrots, I have decided to make vegetable soup this week. I have actually never made soup before, which seems really strange. Apparently I like my soup out of a can. I found a good crockpot recipe, so it should be easy enough to make.

Speaking of food, I found this AMAZING recipe for lentil tacos. Low in fat, high in protein, and sooooo delicious! We made this dish last Saturday and everyone loved it (especially me - I am addicted to lentils). You should definitely give it a try!

P.S. The recipe calls for chicken broth, but you can substitute that with veggie broth.

Cheesecake

I have been talking continuously about cheesecake for the past month. I just really, Really, REALLY wanted some cheesecake. After all of my whining, I finally made a cheesecake on Monday. It was okay - a little too fluffy and light for my liking. I wanted a thick, rich cheesecake. I did make a strawberry topping to drizzle over the cheesecake, which was amazingly delicious. Here is some photographic evidence...
This was no-bake cheesecake. I selected this recipe because it did not require eggs. Since we do not eat eggs, I was excited to give this cheesecake a try. Unfortunately, this wasn't what I was hoping for. Maybe next time I get a craving for cheesecake, I'll just buy a piece from a restaurant and save myself all of the time and trouble.

Being fat

Do you ever feel like you are always running behind? Always two steps behind everyone else? Always struggling to just stay on top on the simple things? Because that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I just can't seem to get my act together.

I have a million things to do/decisions to make, yet no motivation to accomplish anything. I just want to go to sleep. For three or four months. I have been driving myself crazy again with self-doubt. I am paralyzed by indecision regarding several issues in my life. Everyone is looking to me for answers, and sadly, I have none.

To relieve my anxiety, I have been eating lots of food. Because that is how a fat girl deals with stress. Look! I made a pot pie! From scratch!Then, because the pot pie wasn't loaded with enough fat, I baked a chocolate cake! With chocolate fudge icing! From scratch!

Words to remember: "The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision." ~ Maimonides

Mmmm Mmmm Good

Remember when I wrote a post about Cincinnati style chili? Well, my mother came to NJ bearing gifts. She brought me some Dixie Chili (AKA the best chili in the world). And here's the fabulous part is - IT IS VEGETARIAN!
When John and I first became vegetarians 9 years ago, the world was a very unaccommodating place. There were only a handful of restaurants we could we at (unless we just ordered a salad. BORING.). But now? Everyone is catering to the veggie lovers. And it is fabulous!

Please excuse me while I go make some coneys and chili cheese fries:)

Food

In an effort to be healthier, I have been trying to eat less sugar lately. And it has been surprisingly hard. I recently got into a really annoying habit of popping a few chocolate chips in my mouth throughout the day. Trying to resist those little morsels of deliciousness is nearly impossible.

Also, I have been attempting to cut down on the amount of dairy we eat. For the first two years of Porgie's life, we rarely ate dairy. We certainly didn't keep cheese, sour cream, and yogurt stocked in our fridge. But lately, we seem to have gone dairy crazy. Somehow, almost every meal I make now requires cheese. I am going to be honest with you - this makes me a HUGE hypocrite. I am a vegetarian because I am opposed to factory farming practices. Yet somehow, I have convinced myself that consuming dairy isn't as horrible as eating meat. But it is. The aim of factory farming is to produce as much meat, eggs, or milk at the lowest possible cost - regardless of the deplorable conditions and the animals' suffering. Dairy is just as bad a meat, and I need to stop candy coating it.

Finally, I am going to attempt a few new things in the kitchen. I want to start making my own bread. I have made bread a few times, and it was fabulous. However, it is hard to find the time to do it during the week. So, I am going to start baking loafs on the weekends and freezing them. Also, I want to start cooking actual meals for lunch. I typically keep food very simple during lunch - grilled cheese, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, boxed mac & cheese, etc. I think we would all benefit from a better meal plan.

Now I just have to find the time and motivation to achieve all of my goals. But as they say, "Lack of time is lack of desire."

Better Know a Cupcake 5

This is the 5th installment of my 75 part series, Better Know a Cupcake. Today I am featuring chocolate cupcakes with butter cream frosting (and marzipan decorations!).
I made these little beauties for my beloved husband, on his 35th birthday. How better to celebrate turning 35 than with a Super Mario Brothers themed party. Everybody knows that 35 is the new 13. In case you are video game challenged, was attempting to replicate 1up mushrooms and super mushrooms...
I know, I know, I am amazing:)

Nom nom nom

As you know, I have a girl crush on Isa Chandra Moskowitz. What? You don't know who she is? Gasp! She is the author for my favorite cookbooks - like this one and this one and this one. Her recipes are amazingly awesome and best of all, she curses in her cookbook. How could you NOT love her?



This weekend I made her vegan lemon bar recipe. OH MY GOD! They were delicious. Everyone loved them - including the kids. I found her recipe listed online, so I thought I would post it for you. It calls for a few rare ingredients - like agar-agar and arrowroot. However, I found both items at Whole Foods. So, without further ado...

Vegan Lemon Bar Recipe

Crust:

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

2/3 cup powdered sugar

1/4 cup cornstarch

1 cup non-hydrogenated margarine



Filling:

1 1/3 cups water

3 tablespoons agar agar flakes

1 1/4 cups sugar

1/8 teaspoon tumeric

2/3 cup fresh lemon juice

3 tablespoons arrowroot powder

1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest (from two large lemons)

1/4 cup soymilk



Extra powdered or confectioners’ sugar to decorate finished bars



Preheat oven to 350 F. Lightly grease a 13 x 9 inch baking pan.



Pulse flour, powdered sugar and cornstarch in food processor. Add margarine in spoonfuls and blend, 8 to 10 seconds, and then pulse until mixture resembles coarse meal. Sprinkle mixture into prepared baking pan and press firmly into an even layer with slightly raised sides to hold in the filling. Refrigerate for about 30 minutes and then bake for 25 minutes; remove from oven and let cool. Meanwhile, prepare the filling.



In a sauce pot, soak the agar agar in the water for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, zest your lemons and squeeze your lemon juice. Mix the arrowroot into the lemon juice to dissolve.



When the agar has been soaking for 15 minutes, turn the heat up and bring to a boil. Boil for about 10 minutes, or until the agar is completely dissolved. Add the sugar and tumeric and boil until dissolved, about 3 minutes. Lower the heat to medium and add the arrow root and lemon juice mixture, then add the lemon zest and soy milk. Wisk constantly until the mixture thickens, about 5 minutes. It should not be rapidly boiling, but lowly bubbling is ok.



Pour the mixture into the prepared crust, let cool for 20 minutes and then refrigerate for at least 3 hours, until the filling is only slightly jiggly and set. Use a sifter or a fine mesh strainer for sprinkle the bars with powdered sugar. Slice into squares and serve.

You're welcome! Now get busy baking!

Better Know a Cupcake 4

This is the 4th installment of my 75 part series, Better Know a Cupcake. Today I am featuring Boston Cream Cupcakes. The fighting Boston Creams!I made these little beauties to celebrate my special day. Yes, today is my birthday (fun fact - it is also Abraham Lincoln's birthday). I may be getting older, but I am sure as hell not getting any skinner.

P.S. These were the most labor intensive cupcakes I have ever made, but they were soooooo worth it.

The weather outside is frightful

I can't believe it, but it is supposed to snow again. They are predicting 18-24" inches of snow tonight. I think I am starting to understand the concept of cabin fever. I am so freaking bored. Maybe I should clean the house or something? Nah, that sounds like entirely too much work.
__________

I received a letter from my dental insurance requesting more information/proof that I needed to have those 4 teeth removed last month. This makes me incredibly nervous because I elected to have those 4 teeth removed. There was no pressing medical reason to have them removed. Basically, they were preventing me from getting braces. I have a really bad feeling that the insurance company is going my deny my claim. Translation = I am going to be stuck with the $1,000 bill. I have been fretting endlessly about this issue.
__________

I got a new vegan baking book. I have been experimenting with lots of different recipes, but things haven't gone quite like I had hoped. The muffins are always too wet and the cookies are too soft. It seems like I have to cook everything for 5 minutes longer than the time specified. And unfortunately, things still aren't turning out right. However, I haven't given up hope yet. She has a recipe for "gas station pies," which sounds amazing. I'll let you know how they turn out.
__________

Potty training isn't going very well. I finally convinced Porgie to wear underwear again, but it didn't end well. She refused to use the potty all morning. Before nap time, I asked her to go pee on the potty. She cried and screamed for nearly 20 minutes, and she never peed. So, she went back to diapers AGAIN. Sigh. I feel like we are never going to get potty trained.
__________

My mother bought Porgie this bike for Christmas. We didn't give it to her, because we didn't have a bike to give Izzy (we also stored it away because it was cold outside and there is no room for her to ride a bike in the house). My mom emailed me the other day to tell me that she is buying Izzy this bike. YAY! I can't wait for his new bike to arrive. The kids are going to flip out!

Same old, same old

I feel like I need to do something with myself. I am fat. Blah. I get in phases where I let myself turn into a cow. I want to eat right and exercise in theory, but in reality it seems like entirely too much work. Honestly, I feel like I eat a fairly healthy diet. We eat lots of beans. We love brown rice. We use whole grain pastas. But I definitely have a problem with portions. I like to feel FULL when I finish eating. Additionally, I love baked goods (actually, I love anything sweet). I usually make a dessert of some sort every week. Lately it has been cupcakes, but I also love baking cookies and brownies. I tell myself that it is okay, because they are made from scratch, with no high fructose corn syrup. But I know that I shouldn't be eating all that sugar.

To make myself feel even worse, I decided to check my BMI. I am in the overweight category. BOO! But at least I am not obese - right? Yay for only being kind of fat!

Now comes the hard part. How am I going to alter my lifestyle to lose weight?

I feel like I have written this post 100 times before. This cycle of losing and gaining weight has been a part of my life since my early teenage years. And sadly, I think it will always be a part of my life.

Instant Gratification

I haven't had any Coca Cola Classic in 10 days, and I have to say I am a little disappointed. I stepped on the scale this morning, expecting to see a pound or two missing from the usual number. No such luck. I weighed the exact same amount as last week. WHAT THE FUCK? I was so disappointed, I almost went to the store to buy some soda.

What does a chubby girl have to do to lose some wight around here? Am I supposed to give up my ice cream too? That hardly seems fair. But I know that it is necessary. So, I am going cold turkey tonight. No more ice cream. Sniff, sniff. I officially have no vices. No drinking. No smoking. No junk food. Blah.

I have to lose some weight this Fall. I tried on a pair of my jeans from last winter, and they were TIGHT. I could button them, but it certainly wasn't comfortable. Double blah.

Mmmmmm...Coke

How many times am I going to write this post? I am attempting to kick my caffeine habit AGAIN. I have been off of Coca Cola Classic for approximately 26 hours, and I am not sure I am going to make it. I am having the withdraw headache. The headache that feels like someone is pounding on my head with a hammer. The headache that makes me want to installed a soda fountain in my kitchen, so I never have to be without that sweet nectar ever again.

What is it about that fizzy drink? I just can't seem to stop drinking it. And there is absolutely no healthy reason to consume it. It is loaded with sugar and makes my teeth hurt. It contains high fructose corn syrup, which everyone knows is horrible. It is just a bunch of empty calories and is contributing to my fat ass.

I am thinking that if I can make it for three days without coke, I can kick the habit permanently. I know this is bullshit, because I stopped drinking pop during both of my pregnancies. But I am going to try. Again.

Control

I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life. Whenever my life feels overwhelming and chaotic, I gain control by enforcing a strenuous diet and exercise regimen. Basically, when I have no control over my life, I exert control over my body.

When I entered high school, I became painfully aware of my appearance. I also became painfully aware of boys. Like most young girls, I wanted attention from the opposite sex. But I had no control over this issue, so I decided to take action. I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, but god damn it, I could be skinny. I start limiting my food intake and exercising. I ran up and down the alley behind my house for hours. And I was skinny (of course, at the time I thought I was still fat). I got the attention that I craved. But when I began my relationship with John, I started packed on the pounds.

Time went by, and I was happy. I continued to slowly gain weight. After I graduated from college, I was searching for a teaching job. It was a stressful time, because I was interviewed and rejected about 500 times. I needed to take control again. So, I embarked on a new diet and exercise plan. I lost 45 pounds in 5 months. I was hired for a teaching position, and life calmed back down. I started packing on the pounds again.

Years later (shortly after I gave birth to Izzy), my life was feeling out-of-control again. I was on a restricted diet due to the baby's allergies, I was having daily gallbladder attacks, and I was trying to adjust to life with two children under the age of 2. I started losing weight again. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months. But eventually things settled down and I started eating more food.

And here I sit, wishing I felt motivated to lose weight. Unfortunately, I am only motivated to bake brownies. Fuck. How have I developed this pattern? I feel like I have two choices - fat and happy or miserable and skinny. Neither option is good enough for me. I want skinny and happy.

C is cookie

Since we have been talking about food, let's discuss my ginormous ass. I am on the road to fatness, and there is no turning back. I have to be really motivated to lose weight, and I am just not feeling it. However, I am feeling the urge to eat pop tarts for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, and pasta for dinner. Basically, I just wanted to let you know that I have stopped trying to be skinny. I am just eating whatever the hell I want. You're probably shaking your head in disgust right now. Just know that I might be fat, but gosh darn it, these peanut butter cookies sure do make me feel happy.

Skinny and Happy?

Skinny and happy. I think that is an oxymoron. I seem to be completely unable to achieve this balance. I can be happy and fat or I can be skinny and miserable. I love food. Really, I love it. Eating food is like the BEST form of entertainment. "It's our anniversary - let's eat out!" "It's my birthday - let's eat out!" "It rained today - let's eat out!" "My favorite color is yellow - let's eat out!"

So, I have slowly been creeping back up the scales. I am currently at 183, which sucks ass. I weighed 168 at Christmas, and I was truly starting to feel thin again. But I was miserable too. I hated denying myself of all the sugary, deliciousness in the world. And since allowing myself to indulge in chocolate again, I have been feeling really great. But I know that this feeling won't last. One morning I am going to roll out of bed and I won't be able to button my jeans. And then I won't be so happy anymore.

I guess I need to find some sort of middle ground. Why am I having so much trouble just maintaining a weight? I go up and down and up and up and up and then down. It is times like these when I feel out of control. Why is food always such a struggle? GAH!