Monday, June 2, 2008

Feeling a little blue

I have been feeling a little blue lately. This feeling of sadness is connected to multiple aspects of my life - babies, friends, home.

First and foremost, I have been feeling miserable about my relationship with baby Izzy. It feels like I am always pushing him aside, at a time when he needs me the most. I am always placing him in his jumperoo or exersaucer so that I can eat breakfast or feed Porgie or do the dishes or vacuum the floor. He cries when I walk away, and it breaks me heart. I should be holding him, cuddling him, and singing to him. He isn't going to be a baby forever. But instead, I keep pushing him aside.

I have a friend who always says strange little things to me, which leave me feeling like an inadequate mother. I might just be reading too much into the things she says, so I don't necessarily want to end our friendship. She is the type of mother who tries to do everything - she is like super woman. Basically, she is the exact opposite of me. And sometimes, it feels like our kids are in a completion, and it doesn't feel good.

And finally, I hate my house. It is so small and cluttered with baby junk. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. There are so many things that need to be fixed and updated. It is overwhelming, because we have no time to fix anything, and no money to update anything. So I have to be content with what we have. But I don't feel very content. Instead, it feels like I always need to be doing something.

In summary, I need to get out of the house more often and kick this sadness in the ass. Okay, I am done whining.


Eva said...

It doesn't help that you've been stuck inside with the sickness that won't end. Hopefully once everyone is well you'll be out and about, doing fun things, and going to the beach, etc. That will help. And Izzy will be able to give and not just get and that'll make him easier to interact with. But I'm sorry it's hard.

Not So Perfect said...

I hope you feel better soon.

I can understand how hard it must be trying to make more than one child feel like they are the center of your universe. If it makes you feel any better I am 1 of 5, my mom did not have the time or the energy to just focus on ME. She had her 4th baby I am the 3rd 20 months after me. I ALWAYS knew I was LOVED, and she found time to make me feel special. I think you have given your kids a wonderful gift, and are teaching them valuable lessons in life at an early age.

It is tough being a mama. But please know you are doing a fabulous job! Hang in there.

Carrie said...

Hugs! Just to tease you a little, did you know, at the World of Coke, they have tasting fountians, where you can try as much as you want of all the different flavors of coke product? Let me tell you, they make all kinds of weird drinks for other countries. The Asia market had the strangest tasting stuff.

Jeninacide said...

Ok Carrie just made me want to go to the World of Coke... and also I know what you mean about the friend that tries to do everything... I personally find it ridiculous to try to do everything. You will just burn yourself out. Just focus on what you can do in this moment and worry about other things when you have some free time... if EVER! Haha.. :-D

You're doing a great job. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that's annoying advice but it's true.

Anonymous said...

I swear we must have been separated at birth. Except for the fact that I am MUUUCH older than you.

I never feel good enough. My house is soooo cluttered with toys & stuff that they never play with anyway, yet we keep giving them more useless crap. I was just talkning to my Mom about that. We never had an overabundance of toys. First because there were 8 kids & they couldn't afford it, but we were also never in the house. We were always outside playing. Way back in the olden days, you could do that. My brothers would leave the house after breakfast & we wouldn't see them again until dinner.

Don't pay any attention to your friends comments, let her get prematurely gray & have a kid who feels like he/she needs to be perfect, while you are relaxed, aging gracefully & Porgie & Izzy have sweet, lazy, carefree childhood memories of a Mommy who loved them, and took them for long lazy days reading under a tree in the park.

Dooneybug said...

Well we all feel like that now and then so FYI - you're so completely normal. Yay! :)

I understand the second baby phenomenon. You will never have as much time to give Izzy as you did Porgie. But Izzy has something Porgie never had...a big sister! I don't know about you, but sometimes I think my youngest adores my oldest more than me. She cracks the hell up at him. He makes her laugh like nobody else can. So keep that in mind when you start to feel guilty!

I'm sorry you have a friend that can make you unhappy. I totally get that, as you've read. If you don't feed into her competitive nature with the children, then eventually she'll realize that you aren't going to go along with it and she'll stop....and probably find someone else to do it to!

If money is short, maybe you could thin out a few baby things and sell them for a little cash to get some new curtains or something. Also, just rearranging furniture can help give the room a new look and feel freshened up.

Dana said...

I hear you!! I have been feeling VERY blue lately - which then leads up to anxiety attacks... Try to take 1 day at a time...

Don't pay attention to what anyone else says...I know it's hard - you're a great mom! It'll get better, I promise!

Tabitha said...

Good on you for having Moan ~ it always helps to share how you are feeling. I quite often feel the same, it is so hard sometimes juggling children, work, the house etc ~ I really hope that you feel a bit better about it all soon.
Take care, love and hugs ~ Tabitha XX

Amanda said...

I have my fair share of days like your having and everything just gets on top of you.
Hope you are feeling happier soon:)

Love Amanda x

THopgood said...

You need to reread my blog post! You weren't paying attention! You sound so much like myself several years back it's scary. I even have one of those same types of friends....I've learned over the years that friendships are NOT suppose to be difficult or painful.

I hope you find the strength to stick up for yourself! And remember that friendships are supose to make you happy!

Danielle said...

I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. You might want to reconsider being friends with someone who is trying to compete with you are bring you down. A good friend should make you feel better about yourself. You are an awesome mom!

Awake said...

Ugh, blogger just ate my post, now I'm blue. :)

This gig is hard. With my second on the way, I'm freaked too about how to give enough. My DH reminded me though that we're giving this child a different life than the first child. Different in that it will be busier and noisier than his or her sister's first year. But different is good. Izzy has a wonderful family - mother included. The clutter, the craziness is all shrouded in love. Great messy family love.

Greg said...

I have to say that I always send Ellie on her way so that I can do things around the house. If I didn't the dishes would never get done during the day. Also if you don't use the jumparoo, you will fully lose your sanity!! The jumparoo was a lifesaer for me!

We can also understand about the house that is to small and not having money to make it what we really want. I truly believe that in time, you will be able to make your house into what you want:)

Chas said...

It seems that every second-time mom I read has this same guilt over not being able to dote on the new baby as much as they did on the first. You're actually doing great though; don't forget it!

As for your friend, if it were me I'd probably confront her about it in a nice way, but that's just the way I am. I don't think I could handle a friendship like that if it continued.

amanda said...

sorry bout the mom guilt with izzy. it's crazy just how much it can really eat at you. i barely survive it with one.

as for the friend - i get that too. which is why most days i am content to limit my interaction with friends. sometimes it's silly how much work friendships can be.

here's to getting your ass to target and splurging on just one little thing to make u feel better! you deserve it friend!!

Danielle said...

I had to pick a new winner for the Munchkin basket giveaway and you won. If you can e-mail me your address I will have my mom send it out asap.

Dana said...

YAY!! You won the mucnhkn basket.. Hope this cheers you up!

Mojavi said...

ohhhh honey... you sound reaaly down. i hope you feel better soon

Lainey-Paney said...

Awww....I'm hoping you feel better soon.
And, if YOU feel like you're not giving Izzy enough attention---try a Snugli for housework stuff.
I dunno...just a thought.

I know what you mean about struggling to balance it all.
I don't have TWO kiddos to me, any mom who can have two little ones like you---well, you guys just amaze me.

Mama Kalila said...

I'm sorry you're feeling blue! it must be going around.. in the water maybe?

Izzy is going to be just fine... As much as we want too it isn't always possible to keep them 100% happy.. esp when htey want to be held and we just can't. I wish i could hold and cuddle all the time, but isnt possible... I wanted to babywear but she doesn't fit in the slings lol. I was telling someone earlier about the jumperoo, I hold my breath when I put her in it now. She cries, but I pray she'll get distracted by the toys and play awhile so I can do something. I've had a crying jumping baby too, but as soon as I'm done and can get her out she forgets all about it.

Like the others said, I don't get the competition thing. We're all diff as mom's, have our strenghts and weaknesses, etc... what works for you is the right thing to do.... Our babies are diff.. And no matter what one baby is doing when, the other is perfect too.
I'd just try to ignore it... (the competitivenss)

And I hate my house too... doesnt feel like I'm ever gonna get it clean/finished/etc. Think of it this way.. our places are lived in... full of love. Doesnt really help me either lol, but it's worth a shot right?

Mama Kalila said...

Oh... and I forgot to say lol. (yes I'm wordy today) - you have twice the number of kids and pets as me, I have no clue how you do it lol, and everytime I read your blog I can't help but think how much more together you have things than me... I know that may not be much considering, but still. You do a great job... don't let anything/one make you feel diff.

Mommy Mechanics said...

I often feel the same. Especially the walls closing in on me. And I have a never ending list of things that I need to get done and not enough time in the day. Hope things start looking up. I feel for ya.

Anonymous said...

As you can see by all the comments, you aren't alone. Hang in there! And never let anyone make you feel inadequate. If another mom is making you feel that way, then she is just trying to make you feel bad to cover up her own inadequacy. That should be Mommy Rule #1....treat all other mommies with respect! We should help each other.....its a tough gig!!!

Marni Tiani Self said...

Oh my how I feel you.

First off, I know what you mean about the friend. Ask her about one time. I mean, really, you need to get it out there. Because if she doesn't mean it, you need to make sure you knows you felt that she meant something and if she does, well, then she's not worth your time.

As far as Izzy, you have to do what you have to do. I mean, if Porgie needs you, you must go... if not, go to him. Make sure and tell yourself that you are doing all that you can. Make sure you can say you gave it your all and then remind yourself that.

I know what you mean about the house too. All these darn toys and they never seem happy and it's cluttered and frustrating.

I am in NO WAY domestic. I love that you think that, but don't. I let dishes go for days. One day I might be willing to post the filth the collects on the top of the mildew that grows when left for too long.

I know... bad.

Now that I've written a novel. I hope you feel better, you're in my thoughts!