I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life. Whenever my life feels overwhelming and chaotic, I gain control by enforcing a strenuous diet and exercise regimen. Basically, when I have no control over my life, I exert control over my body.
When I entered high school, I became painfully aware of my appearance. I also became painfully aware of boys. Like most young girls, I wanted attention from the opposite sex. But I had no control over this issue, so I decided to take action. I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, but god damn it, I could be skinny. I start limiting my food intake and exercising. I ran up and down the alley behind my house for hours. And I was skinny (of course, at the time I thought I was still fat). I got the attention that I craved. But when I began my relationship with John, I started packed on the pounds.
Time went by, and I was happy. I continued to slowly gain weight. After I graduated from college, I was searching for a teaching job. It was a stressful time, because I was interviewed and rejected about 500 times. I needed to take control again. So, I embarked on a new diet and exercise plan. I lost 45 pounds in 5 months. I was hired for a teaching position, and life calmed back down. I started packing on the pounds again.
Years later (shortly after I gave birth to Izzy), my life was feeling out-of-control again. I was on a restricted diet due to the baby's allergies, I was having daily gallbladder attacks, and I was trying to adjust to life with two children under the age of 2. I started losing weight again. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months. But eventually things settled down and I started eating more food.
And here I sit, wishing I felt motivated to lose weight. Unfortunately, I am only motivated to bake brownies. Fuck. How have I developed this pattern? I feel like I have two choices - fat and happy or miserable and skinny. Neither option is good enough for me. I want skinny and happy.
9 comments:
i have this problem. i won't go into details (although i know i have mentioned some) but my new attitude is going to be healthy and happy.
ok just "healthier" and happy. when i focus on the losing of the weight - it just doesn't work. i obsess and i stress it all the time. so now i am trying to just be healthier. not so much skinnier. does that make sense.
no? ok i will just be quiet.
I do the same thing. Have done it since high school. It's a lot of work to be skinny and happy!
What about settling for healthy and happy? I so understand this because I lose weight when things are bad. But when things got really bad two summers ago, I realized that I had a healthy range that I wanted to stay in. While, yes, I'm MUCH happier about my looks when I'm on the lower end of this, I'm basically content to just fit in my clothes. So maybe you can pick a range and just know that when you start getting to the high end of that, you may have to exert a little control over your body. None of this is easy. But check out my blog today if you want a little perspective - for real.
I had a similar thing in high school.
How about medium and mostly happy? That's doable, right?
I know the feeling Christy!
Amen sista! I'm doing the opposite right now. I'm stressed and unhappy, so I'm eating and getting bigger and bigger. Back in the day, I'd get stressed and I'd lose weight. Sigh. I could almost wish for those days again.
I'm fat and happy...well, happy except for my weight. But whatever. If I want to compare myself to Facebook peeps (since it was your last post): I am on my first marriage, 1 child within that time frame, and I am happily married. The only downside is that I am fat and still working on my degree. I think I'm still ahead of many old classmates. LOL
I do this at times too. It's hard not too. Happiness is important. I just try to be healthy...or healthy for the most part!
I find I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM!!! I too feel like I can either be fat and happy or skinny and miserable. I think I am finding a healthy balance right now, but I may be speaking too soon.
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