Damn children

My glasses have finally met their demise. These damn children are ruthless!


Izzy decided to finish what Porgie started - he broke my glasses today. He snapped the arm off while they were still on my head! I am not sure if everyone's little boy is this rough, but Izzy kicks me, hits me, pulls my hair, and rips my glasses off of my face. Is this is a boy thing? All I know, is that Porgie was never so feisty. Izzy is one tough little cookie!

When you look at his sweet little face, it is hard to believe that he beats me up on a daily basis. But it is true internets. The kid is brutal.

Why yes, I am a retarded asshole

Remember that time I gave myself a third degree burn while making rice? Good times. Or the time I fell in the ocean while I was holding Porgie? Good times. Well I have a new one for you. I nearly broke my damn finger while doing laundry yesterday.

It all started out innocently enough. I carried a load of laundry down to the basement and tossed it on the floor in front of the washing machine. I flipped the lid open and reached down to grab the dirty clothes. But before I could pick up any of the clothes, the lid slammed back down onto my poor little pinky finger. It hurt like a motherfucker. I stood there, waving my gimpy finger around, and cursing like a sailor. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. So painful.

After I calmed down, I noticed that my finger was swollen and purple. Here is some photographic evidence...
I can still bend my finger, so I guess it is not broken. But holy cow, DO NOT TOUCH MY FINGER, because it really hurts.

Obviously, doing the laundry is entirely way too dangerous for me. Therefore, I think my husband should assume responsibility of this household chore. The end.

ESP

When I was pregnant with Izzy, I decided that I wanted blue curtains for his room. But I didn't want kiddie curtains - I wanted curtains that were neutral and could go with any future bedroom themes. While shopping one day, I came across a huge display of Wamsutta curtains on clearance at Bed Bath and Beyond. I found some slate blue curtains that were perfect for Izzy's nursery. So, I purchased two panels and two valances.

When I got home, I realized that I needed 4 panels to cover the two windows in his room. Duh! So the next day, I went back to the store to purchase the other two panels. Since I was still several months away from delivery, I absentmindedly put the curtains in his closet to hang at a later date.

A few weeks before Izzy was due, John decided to hang the curtains. Unfortunately, we encountered a problem. Each window needed two valances, but I had only purchased one valance per window. I was incredibly frustrated. I went back to Bed Bath and Beyond, but they no longer carried the curtains. DAMN IT!

I went home and got on the internet. I emailed Wamsutta, but they had no useful advice. I searched Ebay, but I couldn't find the valances. So, I was stuck with this...
Basically, I gave up on finding the valances. While nursing Izzy in his room a few days ago, I stared at the curtains with disgust. I decided that I didn't want the unfinished set of curtains anymore. I was going to sell them at our upcoming yard sale. It was final.

After I finished nursing Izzy to sleep, I came out to the livingroom to check my email. There was a message from John, with a link to Wamsutta curtains on Ebay. I clicked over, and seen a picture of the valances we were missing! And the woman selling them happened to have TWO! What are the odds?

The valances arrived this morning. Izzy's room is finally complete!

My vacuum cleaner needed a trim

We invited our neighbors to come over this afternoon. In anticipation of their arrival, I cleaned the house. I picked up all of the toys, and then I decided to vacuum (gasp!). I pulled the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plugged it in. I started vacuuming, but it wasn't picking anything up. DAMN IT!

I turned it off and flipped it over. This is what I saw...
It turns out that my hair was wrapped around and around the agitator (side note: I asked my husband what the spinny thing was called, and he said it was an agitator. I thought he was full of shit, so I looked it up on google. Turns out it really is called an agitator. See image below for proof. My blog is soooo educational!)

In order to get the hair off of the agitator, I had to cut it with a pair of scissors. Holy smokes - look at all the hair I got off...This is a direct result of postpartum hair loss. So anyone who is pregnant right now, this is what you have to look forward to.

Damn stupid ears

Remember those fancy new glasses I told you about? Well, I have only worn them one time. Why would I pay two hundred dollars for a pair of glasses and only wear them one time? Because they sit crooked on my face.

I was baffled by this phenomenon. I have been wearing glasses for 8 years, and I have never experienced this before. Did my ears suddenly shift positions? I talked to John about the problem, and he told me to take them back to place where I purchased them. But then I would have to admit that my ears are crooked. I decided that I would rather wear my old glasses instead.

Then last week I left my old pair of glasses on the table, while I went to blow dry my hair. I came back to get my glasses, but they were gone. I searched high and low, but the glasses were nowhere to be found. Finally, I asked Porgie where my glasses were. She took off running for the kitchen. She retrieved the glasses from underneath Izzy's exersaucer. Hmmmm? Porgie handed me the glasses, and it was apparent why she had hid them. They were bent badly. I tried and tried to bend them back into place, but they felt lopsided on my head. Great!

I got out my new glasses, thinking that they would be less lopsided than the badly bent glasses. I put them on, but they felt even MORE lopsided than the glasses that Porgie bent to hell and back. So, now I have two pairs of glasses that sit lopsided on my stupid face. DAMN IT!

I guess I am going to have do the walk of shame at the eye doctor's office, and admit that my ears are uneven.

The funnest toy EVER (according to an eight month old baby)

This toy will entertain your baby for approximately 30 seconds...
This toy will entertain your baby for approximately 3 minutes...
This toy will entertain your baby for approximately 7 minutes...
And this toy will entertain your baby for an hour and a half...
In case you are wondering, that is an apple - the funnest toy EVER.

I shit you not, the kid happily chomped on that apple during Porgie's entire nap. So, the next time a friend or relative asks what little Billy or Sally would like for his/her birthday, don't forget fruit!

Keeping it real

I cleaned my kitchen and did all of the dishes this morning. I know you don't believe me, so here is some photographic evidence...
Yes, I know my kitchen is seriously outdated. And yes, those are bright yellow counter tops. And did you know that I don't have a DISHWASHER? Life is hard here in Cakerwakerville.

While I was busy cleaning the kitchen, Porgie and Izzy were busy messing up the playroom. Here is some photographic evidence...

This is the reason my house will never be clean.

Sick of living in squalor, Porgie decided to take matters into her own hands...
She is so helpful! Kind of.

Speaking of Porgie, she has learned how to eat an apple like a big kid. Here is some photographic evidence...
Isn't that cute? Nevermind the fact that she is gnawing on the bottom of the apple.

Izzy has decided that biting mama while nursing is super fun. Here is some photographic evidence...
You thought I was going to show you a picture of my nipple, didn't you?

Because he wants his teeth to be healthy and strong, Izzy has been flossing. Here is some photographic evidence...
On second thought, maybe that is a USB cord.

Peace out homies.

In which I blame Eva for all of my problems...

For the longest time, I did not use a blog reader. I clicked on the links in my blogroll, and checked every site individually. I did this twice a day - once during naptime and once in the evening. A few months ago, I was talking to Eva on the phone. She recommended using Bloglines to save time. Intrigued, I decided to set up a Bloglines account.

Initially, I had about thirty feeds. And Eva was right - I was saving tons of time by not visiting sites that had not updated. I had so much extra time, that I started reading more blogs. And then I started reading even more blogs. I am now reading 62 blogs. 62! Holy crap!

So instead of saving time, I am now spending even MORE time on the computer. And it is overwhelming. Sometimes I will open up my Bloglines account, only to discover that I have 58 new posts to read. I'll think, How can that be? I just checked my Bloglines account this morning. Apparently, you guys love writing.

Maybe this is part of my inability to write a decent post? It seems like every spare minute of my free time is devoted to reading your blogs, not to writing on my own blog. So, I think I am going to scale back on my reading a bit. Somehow, I have managed to take all of the fun out of blogging.

Stream of Consciousness: Part 20

I have a confession to make. Lately, I haven't felt like writing on my blog. Wait, that is not entirely true. I actually DO want to write, but I have nothing interesting to say anymore. Hopefully this phase will pass quickly, and I'll be inspired to write something INTERESTING. Until then, please excuse my boring content.
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I bought a family membership to a children's museum last week. Porgie loves playing with all the displays, and Izzy likes watching all of the activity. We already went to the museum twice, and I plan on going a lot more. It is a great way to kill a few hours during the day.
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Target had Graco ComfortSport car seats on clearance last week, so we bought one for Izzy. Umm...that was a really boring tidbit. See? This is what I am talking about. I have nothing interesting to say. Ugh.
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John is convinced that he has lung cancer. He has been complaining that it hurts to breathe in. He went to the doctor Saturday, but they said he was healthy. Hmmm? Then why does it still hurt him to breathe.
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I have been having trouble falling to sleep at night. Sometimes I won't be able to able to get to sleep until 12 or 1 in the morning. Then I wake up EXHAUSTED in the morning. What is up with that?
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I think I am going to have a yard sale next weekend. I have so much junk to ge rid of - especially baby junk. Any money we make will be saved toward buying a new swing set for the backyard. I have already picked out the swing set I want...

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Izzy hates wearing bibs. He rips them off and tosses them on the floor. So, I had to purchase a whole new set of bibs that fit over his head, instead of velcroing around the neck. Like these...
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Had enough yet?

A week of firsts

This week was filled with many new milestones for my Izzy Whizzy Woo. My little guy is learning lots of new stuff. Although I know that he is getting bigger and smarter, I am still shocked when he acquires a new skill. Did you know that Izzy is already 7 months old? Amazing!

Izzy's last stool sample test came back completely normal. Yay! I was super duper excited, but I am not really sure what this means for my diet. So until Izzy goes to his next appointment with the GI doctor, I am going to continue with my elimination diet. If the doctor gives me permission to add dairy back into my diet, I am heading straight to Baskin Robins for a strawberry milkshake. Mmmmm...milkshake.

Izzy learned how to clap his hands this week. So adorable. I wasn't expecting this milestone, because Porgie was almost 1 year old before she started clapping. But he claps and smiles proudly. He also started saying, "ma ma ma ma ma." Also adorable.

And because I am trying to win the Worst Mother of the Year Award, Izzy rolled off of the changing table. Very sad. It all happened in the blink of an eye. I had changed his diaper and placed it in the diaper champ. I tried to turn the top over, but there were too many diapers inside. So I leaned to the side to push the diapers down so I could squeeze in one more, and Izzy landed on the floor. Thankfully, he took it like a champ and only cried for about 30 seconds. That helped to ease the mommy guilt.

Stalkers and being mediocre

Are you sick of hearing about my stalker yet? I swear, this is the last post on the subject. Well, it turns out that my stalker wasn't a stalker at all. It was my friend C. She stumbled upon my blog while reading another blog. I guess she felt weird about her discovery, so she didn't tell me that she was reading my blog.

Of course, I felt a huge wave of relief knowing it was her. But I think I scared her away from reading blogs. She seemed a little disturbed that other people could see how many times she had visited their blog and the area where she lives. I really hope that I didn't discourage her love of blogs.

At the end of our conversation, I tried to convince her to start her own blog. I even offered to help her with her template. I hope she takes me up on the offer, and starts blogging. You guys would love her. And her daughter is freaking adorable.

In summary, I do not have a stalker. I am sure you are all very relieved. We can all sleep easy tonight.
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In other news, I was just featured on All Mediocre yesterday. I was very honored. And I got tons traffic. To return the favor, I am going to ask all of you to check out the All Mediocre site. It was started by Meghan from A Mom Two Boys. She is a clever little rascal. Basically, it is a way to find new blogs - not the big famous blogs - just mediocre blogs like mine. I think her tag line sums it up prefectly - The web's best blogs, you just don't know it! So, go check it out.

Motherhood

Since having my babies, I have learned many things about life.

*Motherhood has taught me to savor the little things - like a shower, sleep, and a hot meal.

*Motherhood has taught me to never hold a baby up in the air and rub my face on his belly. This will cause the baby to spit-up on my face. Have you ever tasted spit-up?

*Motherhood has taught me not to judge other parents, because next month my child will be acting just like that little bastard in the grocery store.

*Motherhood has taught me that a new box of crayons is the funnest toy EVER.

*Motherhood has taught me that poop isn't so bad. I talk more about poop more than I'd care to admit. But, I think we have more poop problems than most people.

*Motherhood has taught me that Steve is way cooler than Joe.

*Motherhood has taught me that it is entirely possible to function on 3 hours of sleep.

*Lastly, motherhood has taught me that life is beautiful. I couldn't be happier with my little family.

What has motherhood taught you?

Hair is scary

Yesterday afternoon sucked ass. It was awful. Both kids woke up from their naps in a cranky, sour mood. To break up the fussiness, the kids and I went to the craft store to buy some yarn, scrapbooking stickers, and picture frames. Porgie was a tyrant, and whined during the majority of the trip. On the drive home, I decided to stop at the park. I took Porgie out of her carseat, and she quickly ran toward the slides. Before I even had Izzy in the stroller, she had already climbed to the top of the jungle gym. She zipped down the slide and landed in a puddle of water. Ugh. I didn't have any spare clothes in the diaper bag, and she was soaking wet. I decided to let her play for a few more minutes while I attempted to feed Izzy a bottle. But Porgie kept whining about her wet clothes, so I decided to forgo the bottle. I sat Izzy up in the stroller, and he promptly spit-up all over his clothes. So, I had two babies in nasty, wet clothing. It was definitely time to go home.

When we arrived home, John was in the bathroom. I undressed both babies, and started making Porgie's dinner. John walked out of the bathroom sporting a new haircut. Porgie FLIPPED OUT. Hot tears and snot were streaming down her face. She kept screaming, "MAMA MAMA MAMA," as she frantically climbed into my arms. Izzy, sensing all of the fear, started screaming too. So, I had two frightened children sobbing and desperately clinging to me. John actually had to leave the room for about an hour. I had to feed both kids dinner by myself, while John sat in the bedroom.

Therefore, I have declared that John is no longer allowed to get a haircut. That seems completely reasonable, right?


P.S. My stalker never revealed him/herself. DARN! A few people delurked, which was awesome, but the person who lives 20 minutes away from me decided to stay quiet. But, I am over it. I think I am going to stop looking at my site meter. I can't honestly expect all people in the state of NJ to not read my blog. So, whatever.

I think I have a stalker

I am a worrier by nature. Even as a young child, I would fret about silly things that didn't matter. To this day, I lay awake at night worrying about EVERYTHING. It always takes me at least an hour to settle down and go to sleep.

When I started blogging, I didn't feel comfortable using my children's real names, so I created the code names "Porgie" and "Izzy". On many occasions, I have worried about posting pictures of my babies. Because, of course, I have the irrational fear that someone will want to kidnap my adorable offspring. Yes, I am insane.

But overall, I have felt very comfortable on my little blog. And safe. But recently, I noticed a new reader on my site meter thingie. This person checks my blog frequently, and only lives about 20 minutes away from me. Even with the close proximity, I wasn't really concerned. I have never revealed which city we live in or our last name. No worries.

But then I noticed that this person was also reading my family blog (I have another blog for my family and friends in Kentucky). This freaked me out a little, because I have never mentioned the family blog on this blog. And I have no link to it on my profile. Hmmmmm. How did this person stumble upon my family blog?

Okay, so now I am a little worried. Am I being irrational and crazy, or is this a little freaky?

Let's talk about something else.

Inspired by Bon's comment on Thursday's post, I wrote a post containing more information about my past. I published the post, and instantly felt uncomfortable about it. For two hours, I couldn't concentrate on anything except that post. So for my peace of mind, I had to take it down. Sorry about the confusion.

I am not really sure why I felt so uncomfortable with the post. But it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. And sick to my stomach. The worst part is, I didn't even share some of the more traumatic things that have happened in my lifetime. Ugh.

I ended the post by stating that I am "acknowledging what happened in the past and moving on with my life." I guess I lied.

Now, let's talk about rainbows and unicorns and big fluffy clouds.

I say it is about the kids, but it is really about me

Do you ever go back and read your archives? It is pretty interesting stuff. I never kept a diary or journal while growing up, so I am fascinated with the ability to go back to read about my life last year.

Although many mommies start their blogs to record their children's milestones, I started my blog primarily because I was bored. Living 10 hours away from my nearest family member or friend was quite lonesome. Fortunately, you guys came to the rescue. SERIOUSLY. What would I do without you, dear internet friends?

So although I know I am a "mommy blogger," my blog was not created solely to document my children's lives. This is a place for me to share my personality, my interests, and my life. And because I am feeling talkative today, I have decided to share some more information about my past with you. I am alway hesitant to share information from my childhood, for fear that others will judge me. But since I trust must of you, I will share a few tidbits. Here goes...

1. My mother had me when she was 17. She dropped out of high school and started waitressing. To this today, she still works as a waitress.

2. I have never met my father. He lived about 10 minutes away, yet he never made an effort to contact me. Nor I him.

3. I was a very chubby child. I was often teased in school and at home. Although I like to pretend that it didn't affect my self esteem, it really did. I cannot look in the mirror without uttering some self-deprecating remark.

Ahhh...that felt good. Perhaps I'll share more on another day.

Damn feet

My daughter's feet are growing at an alarming rate. In the past few months, she has gone up TWO shoe sizes. It seems like all of her shoes fit her, and then suddenly her toes are hanging over the top of her sandals. I just bought her THREE new pairs of shoes a few months ago, and none of them fit anymore.

To remedy this situation we went to my beloved Target yesterday to buy some new shoes. Their sandal selection was awful. AWFUL. I refused to purchase anything. On the way home, I decided to stop at Payless. Their sandal selection was awful too. After throughly searching the entire section, I did manage to find one pair of brown shoes that were okay, but they were $15. Is it just me or does $15 sound like A LOT of money for shoes that will probably only last for a month or two? We bought them because the girl needs to have something on her feet, but I am not happy.


I also had to purchase myself a new pair of flip flops, because I cannot find the pair I just bought last month. Oddly enough, my shoes only cost $7. Damn stupid payless.

Stream of Consciousness: Part 19

Did you know that becoming a parent makes you a total bore? It takes the fun out of everything. Our town had a fireworks show on July 3rd. I cursed and fretted, as my sleeping children tossed and turned from all the racket. On July 4th, random idiots were lighting fireworks in the RAIN. I huffed and puffed, as my babies whined in their cribs. On July 5th, a few jackasses were still setting off fireworks. Seriously? Are fireworks really that neat? Because frankly, I could live without random booms and bangs waking up my children. In summary, I am a bitter old woman, who likes to bitch about all of the young whippersnappers setting off fireworks.
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I really need to find a bag full of money, because there are so many things I want to buy. Currently, I am obsessed with swing sets. Although they cost a lot of money, I really think it would be well worth the expense. John, on the other hand, wants to be practical and invest our money in a new shed. I am pretty sure that if he had to sit home with the kids all day, he would be pushing for a swing set too.
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Do you know what sounds really good right now? Chocolate. Mmmmm...chocolate.
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I think Porgie tried to lie to me yesterday. I was feeding her beans and rice for lunch, while she ran around the kitchen. I walked over near the sink and seen that she had spit her food out on the floor. I said, "Did you spit out your food? That is bad Porgie!" And she said, "Izzy beans and rice." Hmmmm. Was she accusing her brother of spitting out the beans and rice? You be the judge.
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Do you know what else sounds really good right now? Taco Bell. Mmmmm...Taco Bell.
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My mother loves buying Porgie and Izzy toys at yard sales. She always finds really cute stuff that the kids love. However, she spends a small fortune to ship the toys from Kentucky to New Jersey. Last time she sent a box, she spent almost $50 on shipping!
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My baby boy has outgrown a few of his toys, and we are getting ready to pack them away. For the first time in 2 years, I am not going to have a baby swing in my living room! Although it will be wonderful having more free space, I am a little sad that my baby is growing up.
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Jealousy seems to be rearing its ugly head in our household. Porgie has decided that she wants mommy to carry her everywhere. It is frustrating. My back aches from lugging babies around all day. I hope this phase passes quickly.
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If you haven't noticed, I am very hungry. Please excuse me while I stuff my face with food.

Want to listen to me bitch and moan?

I have been one moody mama lately. I am thinking my period free days are almost over, because I have been acting a little loopy. I think everyone in my house is sick of my attitude. Honestly, I am sick of feeling like a bitch all the time too.

I have been extremely angry with John lately. Every little thing he does pisses me off. He came home from work late - I was MAD. He told our neighbors that we would come to their 4th of July party - I was ENRAGED. He didn't buy apple sauce at the grocery store - I was LIVID. Actually, I feel a little angry at him right now, and he didn't even do anything.

Porgie has been such a pain in the ass lately. She has discovered the fine art of throwing a temper tantrum, and likes to use her new skills on a daily basis. She screams because she doesn't want to eat. She screams because she doesn't want to go to bed. She screams because she doesn't want to come inside. I love her to pieces, but the screaming? I HATE the screaming.

Izzy has been sleeping horribly again. For awhile he was only waking once or twice per night, which was great. But something has happened, and he is back to waking 3 or 4 times per night. And napping? During the day, he only catnaps for about 30 minutes. Believe it or not, but I am actually more annoyed by the catnapping than the night waking. It wouldn't bother me if he played happily after a short nap, but he doesn't. Instead he whines and cries ALL DAY.

So, everyone is annoying me and pissing me off. I actually SCREAMED at John this morning. I don't think I have ever SCREAMED at him before. And it was over applesauce. Yes, applesauce. I just feel so angry, and I have to take it out on someone. Since I consciously try not to take it out on the kids, John has to bear the brunt of my moodiness.

Things I forgot to blog about...

I was going through my pictures the other night, trying to find some good photos to print out for Izzy's scrapbook. As I scrolled through, I seen lots of pictures that I had intended to write about. Because I have no attention span, I forgot to post these cute pictures. So, here they are (a few months later)...

I was going to write a post about Izzy's love affair with Ernie, and how we are totally fine with his homosexual lifestyle...

Next, I was going to write a post about Porgie's mothering skills. Look at her baby doll in the sling! So precious...
Then, I was going to write a post about how we like to torture our two-year-old by dressing her in a 6-month-old's jacket. It looks like we were being mean, but it was pretty funny at the time...

You're welcome! Have a fabulous and fun weekend!

Shitty times

A list of things that have happened this week...

1. My dog shit all over the floor. DISGUSTING. I seriously contemplated dropping her off at the animal shelter. Stupid damn dog.

2. My minivan failed the NJ state inspection required to renew my registration. It didn't fail the emissions test or anything. No, it failed because a lug was missing on one of the tires. SERIOUSLY. Now we have to go through the whole testing process again.

3. Izzy shit in the bathtub AGAIN. Enough said.

4. We went to the park, and a little boy forcefully shoved Porgie onto the ground. I reached down to help her up, and seen blood trickling out of her mouth. She had bit her tongue so hard, it was bleeding. Other people's AGGRESSIVE kids get on my nerves.

5. We went on a playdate, which was fun, but we got stuck in traffic coming home. Since we were running late for dinner, Porgie and Izzy both cried for almost 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES. Ugh.

And it is only Wednesday people!

Good things come to those who whine

Never mind the boxes and toys, look at my new patio set! My husband is AWESOME!