Thursday, June 4, 2009

I'll be ashamed of this later

I have been failing lately. More specifically, I have been failing my children. I have been so irritable and bitchy. I have been yelling too much. Ignoring them too much. Turning on the TV too much. Threatening time-outs too much

Although, I can recognize that my behavior is horrible and unacceptable, I just can't seem to rectify the situation. I wake up in a pissy mood most mornings. And it is all down hill from there. Little things set me off - like whining. That is currently my pet peeve. Everytime I hear whining, I completely flip out. And when the kids refuse to eat lunch, I go slightly insane. I am mean and nasty towards them.

Where is all of this negative energy coming from? Although it pains me to say this, I just want some time away from them. I want to wake up without hearing a baby crying. I want to eat breakfast in silence. I want to take a bath without being interrupted. I just really want some time to myself. Like a whole month to myself.

But I can't have what I desire. It makes me feel defeated and sad and angry. And then I feel guilty for wanting to be alone so desperately.

Life is grand.

26 comments:

Laura Marchant said...

You just wrote this post for me didn't you? I am currently jealous of a working husband who has to commute two hours a day because at least he gets two hours in the car by himself and it is quiet.

Amanda said...

I wish I could give you a big hug!
I feel this way too many a day.

Keep your chin up ~ tomorrow will be better!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

obviously this is completely normal... so don't beat yourself up about it.

You said that you used to me a very cheerful type - but not since having kids. Do you think it's exhaustion (normal)? Maybe a small amount of PPD (also normal)?

This sounds really preachy (and annoying) but you may want to talk to your doctor about PPD. I know that some people are very anti-meds - but they've definitely helped me (prozac). And if it makes you happier, it will make your children happier. So what's the harm? AND I promise you that it helps take the edge off the whining (which of course, is also normal and not ending anytime soon).

Alicia W. said...

I felt like this and what helped me was to talk to my Dr and get put on some happy pills. Although they aren't miracle pills and I still have my moments.. Just on a scale of 10, I'm about a 3.

I have been there and know exactly how your feeling.. Just want to lock yourself in a room and cry or just beat the shit out of the wall.

Please talk to your bestie or dr and see what you can do to get out of this funk. I wish you all the best babe.

I admire your honesty and putting it all out there. That took a lot.

Anonymous said...

I've been the same way for the past 2 weeks. EverythinTHEY do is wrong, everything I do gets screwed up.
I wake them at 6:45 and by 7:00, I am yelling at one or both of them.
I can't wait to drop Mag at school & Will to daycare so I can go to work where I don't have to hear them bickering and crying. Then when I get here, I see the adorable little faces on the corkboard above my desk, and I feel like crap all day.
Then I go to daycare, get Will & pick up Mag at her friends house & it starts all over.
Here is a snippet of what it sounds like to live at my house:

"Hi my little honey-Bunny(Mag)! Ooh, give me a hug Honey-Bear(Will), Oh, my baybeeees, I missed you alllll day today! Wait, wait a second, I have enough lap for you both, don't push, oh look, Mag, you knocked Will over, Don't cry Willz, here lemme rub it,No NO!! Don't hit your sister, oh, don't YOU start with the crying.....let's just....wait guys.....say you're sorry...STOP PUSHING!! Go to YOUR ROOMS RIGHT NOW!!!!" The end

Sorry for hijacking your blog. If you figure something out to stop the crazy, let me know what it is mkay??

Kris said...

Understood... one of many things thats in the air lately I think. Is there any way you can get some kind of break, even if its just part of a day? I know that helps me when I get like this (which has been lately, but I'm blaiming this bout on being sick... you know when you're getting over it you're all off kilter?) Even if I can just leave Kalila w/ my husband long enough to walk to the store alone I come back feeling a ton better...

Christy said...

I could be totally off base, but isn't your mom arriving this week? I bet you're bottling your stress about that impending trip...just let it all girlfriend!

Brenda said...

You are singing to the choir sista!

Antropóloga said...

Been there. Yeah. I think everybody goes in and out of this. Depends on mood and stress. It's okay buddy.

Danielle said...

hang in there! I thinkw e all feel like that sometimes.

dani said...

your mom is just coming:P
or at least i get that way when company is headed my way... this will pass:)
l,
d xxxx

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can work with your husband/mom to get a couple hours to yourself? Hardly a month, but a start. I know that an hour or two a Barnes & Noble sans kids does a lot for my mood.

I felt like that a lot - ended up seeing my doctor and getting diagnosed with PPD. I took medication for a while but then got pregnant -- therapy ultimately helped. Nothing intense... it was just an hour to myself, talking about MYSELF, doing whatever I wanted to do and saying whatever I wanted to say and crying without having to pretend it was all better when the toddler gave me a hug.

Whatever happens, I sure hope you find a smile soon. ::hugs::

Chris said...

You need a VACATION, dear. We have all been there and will be there again. This is exactly why people should NEVER think being a SAHM is not work! I couldn't do it... So I admire you!

Maybe the mom will watch the kids for a day so you can go out? That'd be grand!

amanda said...

you won't be ashamed of this later bc it's the truth. and we all feel it. more than we even want to admit. but we do.

sending hugs and singing "annie" theme music in my head. not to cheer you up really, maybe just to piss you off and make you roll your eyes :)

xoxo

amanda said...

did that sound bitchy? bc that's not how i meant it.

you know i love you.

Jodee said...

I think we all have our "mommy" moments! Hang in there!

Marni's Organized Mess said...

a. Don't feel guilty.
b. There all the time.
c. What happened to the sex fixes everything? Any help? It works for more than insomnia too.

I know, that doesn't help. I really do know your pain though. I could really use a week alone.

msprimadonna67 said...

EVERYONE needs time to him/herself. Nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Anonymous said...

Seriously we all have our moments like this... don't get to down on yourself! It's normal mommy behavior!! :)

Just Jiff said...

When I was on maternity leave and the only one taking care of Bayley, I was so exhausted and I wanted the same things as you. I wanted sleep, a quiet, clean house, and no one to take care of. I felt so insanely guilty about it, but it was just how I felt. I work outside the home, so I actually get a break from it. You never get a break, so you're obviously gonna get burned out, ya know? Its not that you don't love and cherish your kids...its that you need some YOU time and like you said, not taking care of whiny kids, hearing crying, etc.

And don't be ashamed. You definitely need a break. Everyone does from time to time, so you definitely deserve it!

pitapocketmom said...

holy shit i was literally just crying because i feel the same way! I decided to calm down and saw this and started crying again LOL! You should not feel ashamed cause you are not the only one!

Carrie said...

Big hug! I feel the same horrible way, but it's because I don't get to spend enough time with her. I have to go to work and leave her. It kills me.

anymommy said...

You shouldn't be ashamed of it - totally normal feelings all of it. I want to strike them all mute at least twice a day. My god, the whining. And, you should speak up and try and get that break, even if it's only an afternoon. They always make a difference for me.

Rachel said...

please woman. we all need time and when we dont we get bitchy. You need an hour a day to yourself, at least an hour.

Tabitha said...

Do you know what Christy ~ I feel the exact same way sometimes ~ you are so not alone!
I always believe that there must be sunnier days ahead and that usually gets me through.
Sending love and big hugs Tab XXX

Anonymous said...

I think you speak for every mom out there....whether they freely admit it or not!