Some days, I wake up in a sour and bitchy mood - a horrible way to start the day. For no particular reason, I feel overwhelmingly sad and angry and frustrated. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to crawl under the blankets and hide.
When I do get out of bed, I am mean and cranky. I snap at Porgie repeatedly, and I let Izzy cry a little longer than I should.
When the day is done, and I am lying in bed, I recount the events, with guilt and regret. Why did I get angry at Porgie for not eating breakfast? Why did I let Izzy cry in his swing for 15 minutes?
I tell myself that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be the mother I want to be. And sometimes I am better the next day. And sometimes I am not.
Recently, my mother sent me a card. It was titled, "How to Make a Beautiful Life." When I read the card, I was stroke by one part in particular - "Love yourself. Make peace with who you are and where you are at this moment in time."
In those moments of madness, when I feel like screaming or crying, I have been repeating this phrase. I am trying to make peace with myself, and come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. My children are not perfect.
Even when I want to hide under the blankets, I will get out of bed and I will take care of my babies, because I am trying to make a beautiful life for my little family.