Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It comes and goes

Some days, I wake up in a sour and bitchy mood - a horrible way to start the day. For no particular reason, I feel overwhelmingly sad and angry and frustrated. I don't want to get out of bed. I want to crawl under the blankets and hide.

When I do get out of bed, I am mean and cranky. I snap at Porgie repeatedly, and I let Izzy cry a little longer than I should.

When the day is done, and I am lying in bed, I recount the events, with guilt and regret. Why did I get angry at Porgie for not eating breakfast? Why did I let Izzy cry in his swing for 15 minutes?

I tell myself that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will be the mother I want to be. And sometimes I am better the next day. And sometimes I am not.

Recently, my mother sent me a card. It was titled, "How to Make a Beautiful Life." When I read the card, I was stroke by one part in particular - "Love yourself. Make peace with who you are and where you are at this moment in time."

In those moments of madness, when I feel like screaming or crying, I have been repeating this phrase. I am trying to make peace with myself, and come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. My children are not perfect.

Even when I want to hide under the blankets, I will get out of bed and I will take care of my babies, because I am trying to make a beautiful life for my little family.

10 comments:

Mama Kalila said...

that is beautiful

Carrie said...

Big hugs! Somedays,I feel the same way, with out haveing the responsablity of taking care of 2 under 2. The fact that you get out of bed blows me away.

Catizhere said...

Oh, Christy. I'm sorry that you're in such a funk. I know that it's Freeze-uary in our neck of the woods, but do you try to get outside & do something fun a few times a week? Even going to the aquarium or come over the bridge & go to the Please Touch Museum.

I know that if I don't see the sky for a few hours, I get all wonky.
That's one of the reasons that I can't be a S.A.H.M..... Especially in the winter, I HATE to be cold, I would spend my day stuck in the house, and eventually I'd go crazy.

Anth said...

That's it exactly. We are none of us perfect, we just try our best, and try to be a little better each day. With varying results.

Chas said...

It's nice to have a moment of clarity...it makes us feel like we're OK..not perfect but still OK.

Eva said...

I hate it when I'm impatient or get pissed or whatever, and then feel guilty, too. I know what you mean. Can only try to do better in the future. Like you are doing.

Mojavi said...

yeah I know what you mean... I always say to myself .. this to shall pass :)

Misguided Mommy said...

I feel this way every day. Do you know how helpful it is to know I"m not the only one who feels this way. Seriously I spend hours thinking of what a piece of shit mom I am and by the end of the day everything seems okay again and I"m suddenly nice again.

Not So Perfect said...

I feel this way some mornings too. You are an inspiration. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone and appreciate your honesty more then you know.

Marni Tiani Self said...

I so love reading your blog! You remind me so much of myself and you are an inspiration!