Thursday, August 2, 2007

My only option

As most of you know, I do not have a great relationship with my mother. We are polar opposites of one another. For about 7 years, we have struggled to maintain a semi-friendly relationship. I like to think of my blog as a relatively happy place, and discussing my mother would make my blog a bitter and angry place. Since this post is about my mother, be perpared for a bitter and angry entry.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Izzy, I instantly started worrying about childcare during my hospital stay. I really wanted Bean to come to NJ to watch Porgie and to help out with the new baby. However, when I suggested this option, Bean was uncomfortable with the idea. I respect her decision, because she has two children of her own.

My next option was John's dad and stepmom. However, John's dad has been battling lots of health issues lately. But, I thought that by November he might be feeling better. So, we asked him and of course he refused. I can also respect his decision, because he has been really sick.

A few other options passed through my head - like John's mom or my grandmother. However, both of these options were quickly dismissed. John's mom is slightly insane. John's brother lives about 30 mintues away from his mother, and she won't go visit him becuase she is afraid of getting lost. So, obviously she isn't going to fly to NJ. Additionally, she really gets on my nerves, so I am not sure I even want her here. And my grandma is just too old. Also, she has somehow contracted a staph infection. She has been battling the infection for months, and is also quite ill.

So, guess who I had to ask? My mother. Our conversation went something like this:

Me - "I was wondering if you could come to New Jersey in November to care for Porgie while I am in the hospital."

Mom - "No. I just don't have the money."

Me - "What if we paid for your plane ticket?"

Mom - "If you're paying, then I'll definitely come!"

This conversation really pissed me off. The least she could have done is act like she would start saving money.

Since asking her, I have been kicking myself in the ass. I m not sure I even trust her with Porgie. And my mother is obsessed with the fact that I don't feed Porgie milk or meat. I know that she will feed Porgie something I don't approve of. And she smokes continously, and obviously I don't want her smoking around my baby girl. And my mother has hepatitis. So, I don't want her sharing her food or beverages with Porgie. And my mother...

I could complain for hours, but I won't.


Amber said...

Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place! I hope it works out okay for you, if I had the money and the time I'd totally come to NJ for a little extra help! :-) I know it can be frustrating to have a babysitter, does NJ have a nanny program or something that you can look into about maybe paying some to watch her when the time comes?

Dooneybug said...

That's a tough situation to be in because you need help. My mother and I have had a very rocky relationship in the past but it has been better the last couple years. So I do understand where you're coming from. My mom also smokes but we've made it absolutely clear that she may not smoke in our home or vehicles. Since I don't have any specific dietary concerns with my son, I don't know what to tell you about that. I would just assume that even if you wrote out a food menu for her that there's a chance she may not abide by it, but you could try. Maybe simplifying it for her in that way would help ward off her giving Porgie food you don't approve of? Make a meal plan for each day and have that food ready in the fridge before you leave for the hospital so that there won't be any excuse as to why she didn't feed Porgie what you expected. Plus, if you intentionally keep meat or milk out of your house while she's there, it won't be there for her to give. Once you're home you'll be able to keep a closer eye on her, obviously not all the time but certainly better than not being there.

If you can find other help that you trust more, just tell your mom that you've made other arrangements. Point is, you are going to need some help to make the transition much easier. I have no doubt that families take care of it themselves all the time without help. But it could be very stressful, maybe even more so than having your mom there.

More FYI seeing as I've already invaded your blog....our plan is to split having my mom and husband with me in the hospital. The first day a friend of ours is watching Junebug while both my mom and hubby are at the hospital until the evening when hubby can come back and feed him dinner and put him to bed. Then either he or my mom will stay at the house while the other stays with me. The plan is to have them switch off back and forth for the remaining day or two I'm in the hospital. Once I'm home, hubby is going back to work the following week so it'll just be my mom and and I with the kids. Then when she leaves, hubby will be taking 2 weeks off work to be home and help out.

Maybe you could make some plan where your husband conveniently has to help Porgie when it's meal time and then your mom can come to the hospital and help you then?

Anth said...

Geesh. What a crappy situation. Sorry I have no advice, just sympathy. I think pp amber has a good idea with the nanny program. Quite possibly cheaper than flying your mom, and without the hep risks.

Eva said...

Well, the ideas I have:

--join a mothers' group
--make some good mommy friends, stat
--find a good childcare provider--to watch Porgie at your home or theirs
--be at the hospital by yourself
--bring Porgie to the hospital
--have the baby at home
--hire a doula to stay with you at the hospital
--help my rearrange the academic schedule so I can come help

Misguided Mommy said...

omg you need to fire her right away. shit...for the money you would spend on the ticket to fly her here you could pay for a nanny for a week!

Rachel said...

This is a tough situation-it may be worth asking some people if they know of a great babysitter or a doula burse for the night. If it makes you worried bow-ugh well then it could be even worse when november comes but you do need help. Do you have any close friends to help with your mom as well? Well it just plain stinks and it hurts too.

kristi said...

My Mom helped me with Sara when TC was born, but she only was able to stay 1 day and then it was all on the hubs! Hopefully you will work it wishes.

Em said...

Hire a doula if they exist in the us! My friend is on in UK and it doesnt ness mean they are there at birth, they are there to suport up upto the birth and also could be the one at home with porgie. Just a thought, you dont need to be stressed about you oldest while giving birth to your youngest

Lainey-Paney said...

Now see....If my mom & other family weren't options, here's what I'd do:

Have friends watch Porgie.
If they couldn't watch her during the day---then be by yourself during the day at the hospital, and let your hubby be with Porgie. If they couldn't watch her at night, then hubby can be home with Porgie at night.

Now, all of this excludes delivery, of course!

and to address that, I'd talk to the OB ahead of time: "look, we're going to need to schedule an induction or c-section....I need to know exactly when to expect this baby!"