I am alive

Other people just don't get it. Especially husbands. They just never seem to understand/comprehend anything. I had four teeth removed on Tuesday. On Wednesday, my husband went back to work. No rest and relaxation for mama. I was taking Vicodin for the pain, but that shit is strong. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open on Wednesday or Thursday. I was a zombie. I barely remember anything from those two days. The good news is that my children are still alive.

On Friday, I didn't take any medication. And it sucked. My jaw was really stiff and the teeth adjacent to the pulled teeth REALLY hurt. I should have asked my husband to take another day off work, but I made it through the day without murdering anyone. Then my husband came home. I was pissy. He was unsympathetic. Not a good combo. His attitude really ticked me off. Additionally, he wouldn't stop fiddling with his ukulele. Finally, the constant background noise started to get under my skin. I asked him to "STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING GUITAR!" Okay, I might have yelled it. I have to stress the fact that my husband is constantly making noise. He is like a really big 3 year old. He can't sit still. EVER. When I am feeling completely fine, he is annoying. So you can imagine how irritating he can be when I am not feeling good.

Of course, John got all mad and stormed out of the living room. A few minutes later he left the house. Umm...thanks jerk. Just what I always wanted - to be trapped in the house with two whiny children while my head is pounding and my teeth hurt.

He came back with ice cream, which would have been great if he had bought a flavor I actually like. Stupid fucking husband.

Yawn

My surgery went well, but I kind of feel like shit. I have been taking my pain medication every 6 hours, but it makes me nauseous. I am thinking that maybe I should just stop taking the pain meds, because in addition to making me nauseous, they also make me sleepy. Not a good combo while trying to take care of your children.

Can't write. Must sleep.

Better Know a Cupcake 3

This is the 3rd installment of my 75 part series, Better Know a Cupcake. Today I am featuring Chocolate Mint Cupcakes. The fighting mint!I made these cupcakes in a fit of panic, because I am having dental surgery tomorrow. Since I probably won't be able to eat much for a few days, I figured that my last meal should be a REALLY good one.

Shit is the theme for January

Yesterday was our 5th wedding anniversary. Once again, my husband managed to make me look like a total ass-wipe. We are poor right now, so I said NO big gifts. John happily agreed. As promised, I didn't buy him anything neat. And once again, he bought me something super awesome. I appreciate it, but I am sick of always giving him the short end of the stick. I am really going to have to go all out for his birthday this year.

In other news, my daughter is officially back in diapers and loving every minute of it. Fortunately, Izzy is still potty training. He is doing REALLY well, and I am super proud of him. He is completely pee trained and poops on the potty about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time he asks for a diaper, but I am okay with that for now.

That is pretty much it. Things have been fairly uneventful the past few days. Unless you consider cleaning dog shit off your carpets every morning eventful. Because in that case, I have the most EXCITING life. Damn stupid dog.

Unclaimed property

I was reading a blog one day, and the author mentioned that she received money from her state's unclaimed property division. She checked their website, and discovered that a company she used to work for was sued, and she (along with all the other employees) was awarded money in the settlement.

Inspired, I checked KY and NJ unclaimed property websites, and lo and behold, I have unclaimed money sitting in the Kentucky state treasury. And John does too! Yippee. We both contacted the treasury. I have $220 in unclaimed money. John has $15. I know that is was our money to begin with, but it kind of feels like we just found $235. I am already planning frivolous ways to spend the money.

I have submitted all the necessary paperwork to prove that I am who I claim to be, and I am eagerly awaiting my $220. I highly recommend that you do some research into this issue as well. You might have loads of money laying around, just waiting to be claimed.

Surrender

I lost. My kids are evil masterminds, who could take over the world if that was their desire. They conspire against me. And they ALWAYS win.

So Porgie didn't want to poop on the potty. She went 4 days without relieving herself, and then I caved and put a diaper on her. She pooped right away. We went back to underwear, and once again she wouldn't poop. On the 3rd day without poop (yesterday), I called the Pediatrician's office to see if they had any advice. The doctor said that withholding poop will lead to chronic constipation, and to just go back to diapers. I thought this was stupid advice, because it felt like we were taking a step backward instead of moving forward. I got off the phone, and asked Porgie if she wanted to wear a diaper or big kid underwear. She said diapers. I told her that only babies wear diapers, and she happily agreed while running to get a diaper. So, I put a diaper on her, and we went to story time.

Of course, she decided she had to poop in the middle of story time. She stunk up the entire book store. Then Izzy said he had to poop too (he was in underwear). So, I took both kids to the bathroom. I went to sit Izzy on the toilet when I realized he had already shit in his underwear. It was everywhere. Down both legs, on his socks, inside his fucking boots. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

And now, I just want to forget that we ever even tried to potty train. I admit defeat.

The Fourth Year

This picture cracks me up. So true.

Can you believe that I have been blogging for three whole years? I have always enjoyed writing, so I thought that a blog would be a fun hobby. When I acquired my humble little blogger account, I vowed to write at least 4 times per week. And to my complete and utter amazement, I have met this goal for three years.

Of course, I have thought about quitting more times than I can count. But I have stuck with it. I have continued to write because it encourages me to use my brain and to connect with other people. I try to be clever and witty, but usually I am just giving you a play by play of our daily lives. And I am okay with that. We can't all be blogging superstars.

So, as I continue into my fourth year of writing, I hope you'll continue reading. Because really, blogging would be pointless without you. I love you, dear internet friends.

Same old, same old

I feel like I need to do something with myself. I am fat. Blah. I get in phases where I let myself turn into a cow. I want to eat right and exercise in theory, but in reality it seems like entirely too much work. Honestly, I feel like I eat a fairly healthy diet. We eat lots of beans. We love brown rice. We use whole grain pastas. But I definitely have a problem with portions. I like to feel FULL when I finish eating. Additionally, I love baked goods (actually, I love anything sweet). I usually make a dessert of some sort every week. Lately it has been cupcakes, but I also love baking cookies and brownies. I tell myself that it is okay, because they are made from scratch, with no high fructose corn syrup. But I know that I shouldn't be eating all that sugar.

To make myself feel even worse, I decided to check my BMI. I am in the overweight category. BOO! But at least I am not obese - right? Yay for only being kind of fat!

Now comes the hard part. How am I going to alter my lifestyle to lose weight?

I feel like I have written this post 100 times before. This cycle of losing and gaining weight has been a part of my life since my early teenage years. And sadly, I think it will always be a part of my life.

Gettin' paid

It's payday bitches! Mama is going shopping!

In case you are wondering, I totally ruined the budget. Despite my best efforts, I had to make a few purchases this week. First, I had to buy more underwear for the kids. Then I had to buy cat food and cat litter. And finally, I had to put gas in my van. These three little purchases totaled almost $100. Isn't that insane?

Today is the day I have been looking forward to for weeks - PAYDAY! I never want to fret about buying groceries or underwear or gas EVER AGAIN. I am going to be clipping my coupons and shopping responsibly for the rest of the month. I want February to be better than January.

And in case you are wondering, Porgie and Izzy pooped (in their diapers).

Score: Kids - 1 Mommy - 0

Shit heads

Okay, so it is official. My kids won't poop on the potty. Izzy woke up 3 or 4 times last night screaming "POOP!" I took him to the bathroom every time, but he never pooped. By 5am, I was at my wits end. He was wearing a diaper. If he didn't want to poop on the potty, why didn't he just go in his diaper? I am totally confused.

Fortunately, he is uber cute. Otherwise, I might have dropped him off the on the side of a road somewhere.

And Porgie? Well, she is the most stubborn little kid I have ever met. Last night she kept asking me to put a diaper on her, which means that she wanted to poop in her diaper. I refused, and she threw a fit of epic proportions. She screamed for about an hour, but I didn't cave. And honestly, I am not sure I did the right thing. She has been holding it in for 3 days. That is a long time.

Gah. I just wish this would come easily. I hate that every new developmental phase seems like a struggle. Honestly, I would almost prefer that they just shit in their underwear. I loathe the waiting and worrying game that we are currently playing.

It may seem like I am floundering, but don't count me out yet. I have a plan, which involves flax seed oil and prunes. Of course, this is probably going to end very badly. Be expecting pictures of my living room covered in shit.

They always win

I take it all back. Potty training sucks ass. My children absolutely refuse to poop on the potty. Neither of them have pooped in the last 48 hours. What the hell? How am I supposed to convince them to shit? I've tried bribing them, but doesn't seem to be very effective. And Izzy is having lots of trouble reading his body's signals. Every 5 minutes he claims that he has to pee or poo. We run to the bathroom and NOTHING HAPPENS. Gah. So, I am fed up with potty training. You would think the little brats would be happy that they no longer have to sit in their own urine and feces. Damn kids.

In their defense, John had to work late last night, and I may have been a little frazzled from all of the accidents BOTH kids kept having. By the time 8 pm rolled around, I was near tears. I was sick of the constant talk of underwear and big kids and poo poo and pee pee. If I had diapers in the house, both kids would have been wearing them. Well, technically we did have diapers in the house - overnight diapers. But those things cost a million dollars per pack, and there was no way in hell I was going to waste them frivolously.

So enlighten me dear internet friends. How do I get my kids to shit on the toilet. Sorry for all the potty language. Ha ha...I am so damn funny:)

Better Know a Cupcake 2

This is the 2nd installment of my 75 part series, Better Know a Cupcake. Today I am featuring Lemon Gem cupcakes. The fighting lemon!
I said I was going to make chocolate mint cupcakes, but I ran out of cocoa powder. And as you know, I didn't have any money to buy more. However, I did have a lemon. So, I made these yummy cupcakes instead.

I don't know what it is about lemons, but I am never disappointed with lemony desserts. They are always more delicious than I anticipate. And these little beauties were no exception.

In completely unrelated news, potty training is going really well. Porgie hasn't had any accidents, but I expected that. Izzy has had a few accidents, but I expected that too. I think potty training is going to stick this time. Mainly because I really want to start carrying a purse again. Diaper bags are so cumbersome.

4 more days until pay day!

We made it through the weekend without spending money. Are you proud? Well you should be. It was really hard to sit around the house twiddling our thumbs for hours on end. This whole experience has really opened my eyes to how much money we waste. Everything I like to do involves spending money.

Our trip to Target to buy milk was horrible. They have lots and lots of clearance goodies right now. ADORABLE Christmas dresses were marked down to $4. Toys were marked 75% off. And there were rows and rows of shoes on clearance. I love finding a good deal, so it was really tough passing up all of those awesome deals. If I hadn't brought John along, I probably would have purchased Porgie some sparkly red dress shoes (they were 50% off!). But I was a good girl and kept my wallet closed.

Although we have enough food to feed our family for the next week, our other supplies are dwindling fast. As of today we need cat food, laundry detergent, dish liquid, and shampoo. These are things I didn't consider last week when we embarked on this crazy scheme. I might be able to stretch the detergent and shampoo for a few more days, but I am pretty sure we are going to have to buy the cats some food. Damn cats.

The good news is that my husband gets paid on Friday. And my blog will no longer be filled with boring ass "I have no money and life is soooooo hard" posts. THANK GOD.

Teeth and Swagbucks

I feel like I have been harping and harping about Swagbucks, but seriously YOU HAVE TO START USING SWAGBUCKS. It is free money! And it is easy. Super duper easy. And no, they don't pay me to talk excessively about their site. I do this on my own, because I like saving money/getting shit for free.

As of today, I have earned $40 in free Amazon gift cards. I intend to keep saving my gift cards until next Christmas. By then, hopefully I'll have enough to purchase our Christmas gifts for FREE. Can you imagine a Christmas without credit card bills? Well next year, that is going to be my reality. And it can be your reality too.

Currently, I have an obsession with coupons and earning extra money. I think this obsession stems from the guilt I feel about all of my upcoming dental work. From start to finish, it will cost almost $20,000. You read that correctly - $20,000. I am going in for dental surgery at the end of January. And the outrageous bills are going to be rolling in by the end of February. I am working on a post to explain the extent of my dental problems. Be expecting that soon.

Anyways, I am trying to contribute where I can to help defray the cost of my dental work. And the Swagbucks program allows me to accomplish this goal. Referring new people to Swagbucks is a great way for me to earn extra points. So, if you do decide to sign up, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sign up through a link on this page. If you want more information on the program this is a great link.

Okay, I'll stop posting about Swagbucks for awhile. I promise. John says my only topics of conversation are Swagbucks and teeth. Now if I could just get Swagbucks to pay for my upcoming dental surgery...

Dumbass

Lately, I have been a little scatterbrained. For example, on Saturday I forgot to turn the oven off at dinner time. Luckily, my husband noticed my error. On Monday, I had to run to the craft store to return a picture frame. I accidentally left a candling burning in my living room. Luckily, my house didn't catch on fire. And yesterday, I went to the library and I left the back door open. Not unlocked - OPEN. What the hell? Am I trying to destroy everything we own?

Man, this budget shit is hard

So, I forgot about a bill - Porgie's dance lessons. An extra $50 came out of our checking account yesterday morning. DAMN IT! We have no money left. None. Actually, that is a lie. We have $4.82. John and I discussed our options. If we were sane and rational people, we would just transfer money from our savings account. Be we are not sane and rational people, so we are just going to tough it out.

In order to achieve our lofty goal, we are not going to the grocery store next week. When John first suggested this, I looked at him like he had 3 heads. No grocery store? What will we eat? But then I actually looked in our cupboard. We have plenty of food. We will be fine. I already have the entire menu for next week completely planned out. The only flaw to our plan is milk. We have to go to the store to buy the kids milk. But I have $10 in my wallet, so we should be golden.

Now I have to accomplish the seemingly impossible - go to Target without spending money frivolously.

Honing my old lady skills

As you know, I love crocheting. Lately, I have been getting really crafty. Remember my adorable hat? Well, now I have something even better! I present to you, the old lady dish towel contraption....I know that your grandma had these in her kitchen, and you probably think they are lame, but you are wrong. These are the BEST dish towels ever! I hang them on the drawer handles in my kitchen. They are very convenient, and they always stay put. Since we don't use paper towels anymore, I use my fabulous hanging dish towel to dry my hands.
I know that you are jealous of my mad crocheting skillz. It is official, I am completely and totally AWESOME.

Better Know a Cupcake

This is the 1st installment of my 75 part series, Better Know a Cupcake. Today I am featuring Pineapple Right-Side Up cupcakes. The fighting Pineapple!
These are vegan, and they are delicious. My husband bought me a FABULOUS new cookbook for Christmas. 75 yummy vegan cupcake recipes. 75! WOW! I have lots of baking to do. The book is written by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. I have a girl crush on her. Her writing is so funny and clever. I highly recommend her first cookbook Vegan With a Vengeance. It is the only cookbook that has ever held my attention for more than 2 minutes. And it taught me how to bake. That is an impressive feat.

I know what you're thinking Why would I buy a vegan cookbook? I am not vegan. Because the recipes taste delicious! Shit, every meal you eat doesn't have to be loaded with animal products. It is good to have diversity in your life. And wouldn't it be great to have cupcake and cookie recipes that you could make, even if you were out of eggs and milk? The answer is YES.

Up next, Chocolate Mint Cupcakes.

Woe is me

It turns out that paying off debt is really hard - especially when you start a new payment plan a week after Christmas. My husband's paycheck was deposited into our account on the 1st of January. By the 2nd, we had paid all of our bills (a considerable portion of his check went directly to our credit card). When the dust had settled, we had a whooping $150 left over. That money needs to last us until the 15th. Oh shit! Maybe we are being a little too aggressive with our new budget.

I usually spend about $150 at the grocery store very week. And $50 more at Target. Fuckity, fuck, fuck. This is going to be hard. I know we can do it, but I am not looking forward to it. We are going to be eating lots of beans and rice over the next few months. And I am going to attempt to potty train both of my kids next week. That alone will save us at least $40 a month. I know Porgie is ready for this obstacle, but I am a little worried about Izzy. I have nothing to lose, so we are going to try anyways.

I know that every month won't be this hard. Due to Christmas spending, our checking account was practically empty when John's paycheck was deposited. That is not the norm. Next month will be better. But regardless, THIS month is going to be really tough. Be expecting lots of complaints and whining for the next 27 days.

I love 2011!

I am not really a resolutions type of girl, but this year I have a goal I am striving toward. Namely, I want to be debt free by the end of 2010 (excluding our mortgage, of course). No credit cards, no auto loans, no dental bills, NO DEBT!

Although I wouldn't say that John and I are bad with money, we could certainly be better. On the pros side, we always pay our bills on time, John loves donating to worthy causes, and we even manage to save a little money every month (not much, but we do save a little). On the cons side, we spend way too much at the grocery store, I have an addiction to Target, and my husband loves those no interest/no payments deals. He will buy anything if they offer him no interest for a year.

In the long run, there are so many things we want to achieve financially. We want to save more money (so we don't have to rely on credit cards anymore). We want to start college funds for the kids. We want to put more money in our retirement account. We want to refinish our basement. We want to remodel our kitchen. But we can't do any of these things until we pay off our credit cards.

We have discussed our options and have figured out a budget for the upcoming year. According to our plan, we will only have to pinch pennies for the next 10 to 11 months. This means no big purchases, no new clothes, no eating out. If we can follow through with our plan, we will be debt free by the end of 2010.

Basically, 2010 is going to be a crappy year. But 2011 is going to be AWESOME!