Night Owl

My daughter has suddenly started refusing her nap. Instead of sleeping, I routinely hear her "reading" books, singing songs, and talking to her imaginary friends. Which is fine, because mommy is still getting a much needed mid-day break from the kids.

Today I noticed that her bedroom light was on during nap time. I popped my head in and was greeted by a toddler running around her bedroom like a wild monkey. I asked her to get back in bed, but I didn't make a huge stink about her nap-time escapade. Well, tonight I noticed that her bedroom light was on again. I opened the door and found my daughter snuggled up in her rocking chair singing Roy G. Biv, while looking at a pictures of a rainbow. It was beyond adorable, but I explained that it was time to go to sleep, put her back in bed, and turned off her light. At 10pm (yes, you read that correctly - TEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT), I noticed that her bedroom light was on once again. I walked in and found her playing in her toy box. Rinse and repeat.

She is such an independent little thing. On one hand it is adorably cute that she gets out of bed, turns on the light, and plays independently in her room. Yet on the other hand, no three-year-old should be up playing at 10pm. Go to bed stinker!

Reasoning with a nearly 4 year old...

Today I suggested to the kids that we eat lunch on our deck. Porgie decided that this was a subpar plan, and suggested that we eat in the front yard instead. The following conversation ensued...

Porgie: "Let's eat lunch in the front yard!"
Me: "But we don't have anywhere to sit."
Porgie: "We can sit at my Elmo table!"
Me: "But I don't feel like carrying your Elmo table outside."
Porgie: "I'll help you!"
Me: "But we don't have an umbrella to keep the sun out of our eyes."
Porgie: "I'll wear my sun visor!"
Me: "Okay."

She's got an answer for everything. It is easier to just go along with her crazy plans.

I am boring

I have been going through a dry spell in the writing department lately. I just can't seem to think of anything to write. And it doesn't help that several of the blogs I read have suddenly closed down. I can't help but feel like my blogging days are numbered. Not many people read my blog anymore. And I can hardly blame them - I really have nothing important to say.

To showcase my mediocre writing skills, I will tell you about our day. We went to the Philadelphia Zoo. It was fun. The end.

Danger everywhere

Did you hear about the report from the President's Caner Panel? Holy crap. Apparently, everything in our environment is killing us. EVERYTHING. The list of dangers included (but is not limited to) plastics with BPA, pesticides, exhaust from traffic, pharmaceuticals in the water supply, cell phones and the sun. I think most Americans have a false sense of security regarding the safety of many of the products we use. For example, I never would have thought that toys would be made with lead based painted, but it happens all the time. I never would have thought the storing your food in plastics containers would be unhealthy, but all of the BPA research has scared me away from plastic storage containers entirely. I guess what I am trying to say is that you shouldn't assume that we live in a safe world. Environmental carcinogens are everywhere. Be informed and keep your family safe!

If you would like to read more about the report, this is a good article.

Attitude problems

Today is one of those days where I feel like a horrible parent. My son has been pushing and pushing and pushing the limits of my sanity. Everything is a fight. EVERYTHING. He has not willingly complied with a request in weeks. When I make him complete a task or when I refuse to give him something he wants, he cries and screams and whines for what feels like an eternity. I don't do well under that kind of stress. Especially after days and days of endless whining.

Right now, at 9pm, my son is in his bed screaming at the top of his lungs for a band-aid. A fucking band-aid! The logical thing to do would be to give him a damn band-aid. But I can't, because that will only encourage more requests and more screaming. I feel like ripping my damn hair out. Why is he suddenly being so difficult?

It is really warm tonight, and we have all the windows open. I am sure my neighbors think that I am in here torturing my child. Of course, in reality, he is torturing me. Nobody likes to hear their child cry. Nobody likes being the mean parent.

Kids! Nothing but trouble.

The only one I can depend on

After getting my braces, my teeth hurt for about 3 solid weeks. It hurt to eat almost everything. My front teeth became super sensitive to any amount of pressure. Then last week, my mouth started to feel better. I even ate a sandwich (with bread!) on Saturday. It was amazing.

Yesterday I went in for my first adjustment. And holy shit, my teeth HURT. I am such a wussy. I am never eating food ever again. Except for ice cream. Because ice cream can heal all wounds.

I love you ice cream.

Yadda, yadda, yadda

Overnight, my son has transformed into Whiny McCrybabypants. Every time I say no to him, he cries and screams and thrashes about. Holy crap - it is ANNOYING. I had forgotten about these terrible tantrums. The good news is that after you put Izzy in time-out, the tantrum is over. The bad news is that he spends 50% of his day in time-out.
__________

Since getting braces, I have been eating lots of ice cream. At first I was eating the ice cream because it hurt to eat almost all food. For the first few weeks, ice cream, yogurt, and cottage cheese were important parts of my diets. My teeth don't hurt nearly as much now, yet I have continued to eat lots of ice cream. And I need to stop. Sugar is so addictive!
__________

After all my bitching about dance class, I am actually considering signing Porgie up again. What is wrong with me? In my defense, I want to sign her up for a different class. There is a tap class for 4 year olds, and I think that sounds really fun!
__________

I know this sounds crazy, but I am ready for spring to be over. I am so sick of the hot/cold/hot/cold weather we have been having lately. For example, the temperatures neared 80 degrees on the Sunday, and today we are supposed to have a high of 57 degrees. What the fuck Mother Nature?
__________

I am running out of wall space for pictures. I have my kids' pictures hanging up in the hallway leading to the living room. I love every photo mounted on the wall, and I refuse to take any of them down. But where am I going to hang my new pictures?
__________

Okay, that is enough rambling for one day. So long my dearest internet friends.

Wooooooo!

We were at the park this afternoon. John and I were watching our children climb up a rock wall, when a big burly man and his baby approached the jungle gym. This dude was tall, hairy, and heavily tattooed. With his child in tow, the man climbed to the top of the jungle gym and slid down the slide. As they were descending, I heard my husband say, "Woooooooo!" It was the most hilarious thing that has ever happened. My husband made a fun slide sound for a strange man and his baby! I was half expecting John to run over and give the guy a high five for being a big kid.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Clearing the air

The storm has passed. Finally, I am able to act like a normal person again. I often go through phases where I feel a little melancholy, which is normal I suppose. No-one can be happy all the time. But for the last week, I was in the WORST mood. Everything seemed too complicated, and I felt overwhelmed, angry, and bitter.

Just in the nick of time, my Sookie Stackhouse book arrived. I retreated from the world and spent two days largely reading my novel. And when I reemerged, I felt a little better. And then I called my cousin in Kentucky, and I vented about all of my problems. She just listened, and I felt even better. And finally, I decided to just start communicating with my husband again. And suddenly, peace and harmony were restored in Cakerwakerville.

Now I have new (slightly less stressful) things to stress over - like Porgie's upcoming 4th birthday (can you believe my baby girl is almost 4?). I have already purchased her gift. I think she is going to LOVE it, however I also thought Izzy would LOVE his train table. But nobody plays with that damn train table. At this point, it is just taking up room in my house. Grrrr. Porgie has decided that she wants a Puff The Magic Dragon themed birthday. Hmmmm... I am pretty sure no one sells Puff The Magic Dragon party supplies. And I have no idea how I am going to make a dragon cake. My daughter likes to make things as difficult as possible. Little stinker.

And last, but certainly not least, here is a link to my new favorite website. You're welcome.

Because I hate to not post

I have been in a nasty mood lately. Everything came to a head on Wednesday evening when I basically accused my husband of being a selfish asshole, who ignores his children. Hurtful words were exchanged. And two days later, we still aren't being very friendly with one another. Of course we'll get over it, but right now things are tense. And I have nothing more to say about the situation.

I did have Porgie's ballet pictures retaken this week. At the last minute I asked the photographer to take a few pictures of Izzy too. Enjoy...

Being fat

Do you ever feel like you are always running behind? Always two steps behind everyone else? Always struggling to just stay on top on the simple things? Because that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I just can't seem to get my act together.

I have a million things to do/decisions to make, yet no motivation to accomplish anything. I just want to go to sleep. For three or four months. I have been driving myself crazy again with self-doubt. I am paralyzed by indecision regarding several issues in my life. Everyone is looking to me for answers, and sadly, I have none.

To relieve my anxiety, I have been eating lots of food. Because that is how a fat girl deals with stress. Look! I made a pot pie! From scratch!Then, because the pot pie wasn't loaded with enough fat, I baked a chocolate cake! With chocolate fudge icing! From scratch!

Words to remember: "The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision." ~ Maimonides

Disappearing

The landmarks from my childhood are disappearing.

During college, I worked in a pet store in a little strip mall. The store was owned by a very nice couple. They were great people. I quit during my senior year of college to work for free (AKA - student teaching). Shortly after I left, the owner was forced to file bankruptcy. The shop closed. It broke my heart to see all of my friend lose their jobs. I never went to that strip mall again. When the pet store closed, my connection to that place and time were lost.

Shortly before John and I moved to NJ, the house I spent the majority of my teenage years in burned down. Although my family no longer rented that house, it was still sad to look at the charred remains. After the house was torn down, I often found myself driving past the vacant lot. Without my house on the block, nothing seemed the same. The neighborhood was suddenly foreign to me.

Yesterday I called my mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. She told me that the elementary school I attended is closing permanently at the end of this month due to declining enrollment and budget cuts. I was shocked.

It feels like the time I spent in Kentucky is being erased. My house is gone, my work is gone, my school is gone. Pretty soon, all evidence of my childhood will disappear completely.

Fuck you ballet!

I hate all things ballet. I went to pick up Porgie's ballet pictures this morning. They are blurry. BLURRY. I stood there staring at these crappy photos, while the picture woman hemmed and hawed over the images. I told her I wasn't happy. She said they could reorder them, but that they would most likely come back the same way. Apparently I picked a bad photo. I told her I wasn't happy. She asked me to sign for my photos and sent me on my way.

Furious, I took my crappy pictures home. The more I looked at the pictures, the more I hated them. So, I called the 1-800 number on their website. I spoke to a man who was shocked that they didn't offer to retake the photos. He told me to go back and if I have any problems, to have the photo people call the 1-800 number.

I am pissed. Why didn't that stupid woman offer to retake the pictures this morning? Why do I have to go back TWICE in one day?

Never again internet. Never again. Ballet class, ballet pictures, ballet EVERYTHING can kiss my ass.

I am done complaining about Porgie. I have bigger fish to fry.

Okay, that is enough complaining about my daughter. She hates ballet and pooping on the potty - big deal! My life could be a lot worse. But it felt good to get those feelings off my chest. Geez, kids are so frustrating sometimes.

Now I want to talk about my braces. A few of my teeth still hurt, which I think is really strange. It has been 3 weeks since I had my braces put on, but my lateral incisors and one of my front teeth are still achy. The front tooth hurts the most. In response to this pain, I have started having nightmares about my teeth. Last night I dreamed that half of my front tooth chipped off while I was eating, and my back teeth were squishy. They literally felt like marshmallows. In my dream I was really panicked. I woke up sweating and shaking. How weird is that? But it seemed so real.

I also want to discuss my growing hatred for squirrels. Those little fuckers won't stop chewing on our swingset. GAH! Every time I walk into our backyard, I can feel my blood pressure rise. They have chewed away most of the spindles. They have nibbled the entire picnic table area. They have even been chewing on the framework. Why? Why would squirrels want to eat our swingset? The part that pisses me off the most is that we haven't even finished paying for the fucking thing. By the time we have the swingset paid in full, it won't even be sturdy enough for the kids to play on. Fucking squirrels.

And finally, let's talk about Amazon. I've mentioned on here before that I am obsessed with the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlene Harris. I LOVE them. The latest book was scheduled to be released on May 4th. So, I pre-ordered the book from Amazon in April. Today is the 6th, and Amazon still hasn't shipped my fucking book. Grrrrr. I WANT MY SOOKIE STACKHOUSE BOOK! DON'T THOSE FUCKER KNOW THAT MY DAUGHTER WON'T POOP ON THE POTTY, MY TEETH HURT, AND SQUIRRELS ARE EATING MY SWING SET?

I think I need a stiff drink.

Ballet sucks ass

Dance class. God damn mother fucking dance class.

I am soooo over ballet class. But more importantly, Porgie is soooo over ballet class. Today was dress rehearsal for the preschool ballet class. I dressed Porgie up in her $75 costume. At the teacher's request, I even applied a little makeup to her beautiful face. When we arrived at the studio, Porgie was radiating with pride. She twirled and danced around the lobby, happily showing everyone her cute costume.

I typically wait for Porgie in the lobby. There are two televisions in the corner where parents can watch lessons while they are in progress. But today the teacher invited the parents up to the classroom to watch the dress rehearsal. Shortly after entering the classroom, I realized that my daughter is a horrible student. HORRIBLE. And frankly, it kind of pisses me off.

My child refused to stand on her mark. She didn't follow the teacher's instructions. She was in the way of the other students. In general, she was just being a little pest. It took everything I had not to yank her ass out into the hall and give her a stern talking to. I sat through her "performance" (which involved all of the other little girls dancing, while Porgie stood stiff and ridge muttering about her distaste for dancing), and I felt deeply embarrassed. My daughter was the only one not listening. The only one not participating.

Usually I refrain from talking about her progress in dance class, but today I told her the truth. I let her know that I was disappointed with her performance. I am getting sick of these silly games she is playing. If she didn't understand the concepts or if she was painfully shy, I wouldn't be angry. But Porgie is just being stubborn and willful. The other little girls in the class have worked so hard on their dance routine. It isn't fair that my child is ruining the entire performance. I don't want to be one of THOSE moms, but I feel like she needs to start participating or we need to drop out of this activity.

I came home in a sour, nasty mood. Fucking dance class. Fifty dollars a month for nothing but trouble.

Pooping charts

I often take pride in the things my children know how to do. Not because I think they are genius babies, but because I think I have awesome parenting skills. I am a total narcissist. However, my children have been teaching me (slowly) that individual personality often plays a much bigger role than my fabulous parenting skills.

I started potty training both of my children in January. My nearly 4 year old daughter is still wearing a diaper. My two year old is completely potty trained. He doesn't even pee in his diaper at night. Although I would like to take credit for his mad potty skillz, I cannot. He just decided that he wanted to wear underwear one day, and he has never looked back. He actually cries when I make him wear a diaper during bedtime. I am baffled, because I have no idea how to potty train my wayward daughter. The girl loves sitting in her own waste.
At this rate, my daughter is going to be shitting in her pants FOREVER. And I certainly don't take any pride in that.

Too much thinking for a Monday morning

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the future of our family. Are we done having kids? I always thought I wanted 4 kids, but now I am thinking that maybe 2 is a more realistic number. If we have more babies, where will they sleep? We literally do not have any room left in our house. Do I have the patience for more babies? Some days I feel like I can barely take care of my two rambunctious kiddos.

I keep telling myself that I still have time to sort everything out. But I worry about the age difference between my children. Porgie and Izzy are 17 months apart, and they are the best of friends. If we had another baby soon (which isn't likely), Izzy would be three years older and Porgie would be 4 years older. That gap doesn't sound too bad. But if we waited another couple years (which, if we were to have more children, would be much more likely) there will be a 5 or 6 year gap between the kids. That makes me sad.

I am the oldest of three children. I am 6 years older than brother #1 and 12 years older than brother #2. We aren't very close. In fact, I haven't talked to either of my brothers since Christmas of 08'. I know that having your children close together does not necessarily mean that they will be friends, but from my experience, I definitely think it improves the odds.

Money is also an issue. I have been complaining a lot about money lately, because we are trying to live debt free (which is really hard when you are trying to pay off credit card debt). Although times are tight right now, our financial situation will be much better in a few months. But still, kids are expensive.

And last, but certainly not least, there are differences in important parenting decisions between John and myself. My husband is very anti-vaccination. Every time I take the kids to the doctor, we end up fighting for days over vaccines. Do I really want to go through that all over again? I think not.

All of this leads me back to thinking that maybe we shouldn't have any more children. Yet at the same time, I know that we could make it work if we really wanted to.

Decisions, decisions.