Thursday, February 11, 2010

A hasty departure

When I was a senior in high school, I moved out of my mother's house. I left out of necessity rather than a desire to be independent. At the time, I was living with no running water and no electricity. When I left, I took very little with me - my canopy bed (because I thought I might someday have a daughter who would enjoy it) and my clothes. I left everything else behind. Unfortunately, over the next few years my mother managed to lose most of her earthly belongings, including all of my childhood artifacts. I have no adorable outfits from when I was a baby. I have no artwork from my childhood. I have none of my awards from school. I have very few pictures of me as a child. Everything is all gone. It is like my entire childhood never existed (on paper, at least). Although I would like to casually shrug it off, it bothers me. I wish that I had at least grabbed a photo album before I left.

I now find myself obsessively taking pictures of my kids, stashing away all of their artwork, and saving every cute article of clothing they have ever owned. It is hard to find a balance. I try so hard not to be like my mother, that I end up being obsessive. When I try to throw away goofy pictures my kids painted or even a simple page filled with scribbles, my heart aches. I love everything they do, and keeping all of these little creations will help me to remember. I never want to forget a second of their childhood.

6 comments:

Clare said...

what an amazing story!! you are a great mom, and even if you feel like you are obsessing, that is just your way of changing the cycle. I think it is wonderful!!!

kristi said...

I was one of 6 kids. I have a baby book but not many of the photos that really show me growing up. I have so many photos of my kids that I don't have enough albums to keep them in.

Just Jiff said...

I think it's totally natural for you to want more for your kids than what you had. And you've already surpassed that by a million miles. Rest easy, you are a wonderful mom and your kids know it. :)

Jenny said...

it sounds like you have succeeded and become such a strong woman out of all the stuff that you went through...i am sure that you kids will be happy to see all their creations when they get older..

msprimadonna67 said...

I can definitely relate. When I was a kid--7th grade--my mom packed up a suitcase or two and all five of us kids to leave an abusive situation at home. When she thought it was safe, she'd come back (without us) to pack up more of our clothes and momentos and such. Mom was a saver--pictures, artwork, notes...each of us had our own drawer in a filing cabinet dedicated to memories of our growing up years. When Mom returned to our house to retrieve some of that stuff, she found that in her absence, my dad had emptied the file cabinet, added the pictures off of our walls, and built a huge pile in the entryway of our house where he set it all on fire. Mom came home to the pile of ashes that used to be the souveniers of our youth.

So, yeah, I'm a keeper and a saver, too. I do it because I can; I'm the only one who gets to decide what I want to get rid of and what I want to hold on to. I have only a precious few photos of my childhood, and I want my kids to have more. I want ME to have more. I'm sure any psychologist would say I've got abandonment and daddy issues--probably not entirely without merit. But bottom line is, does it hurt anyone that I've got so many pictures and drawings that my kids have done? I don't think so. I happen to know they think it's pretty cool that I've kept so much of their school work and taken so many pictures of them.

amanda said...

i am a saver. big time. tubs and tubs full of stuff from my childhood plus hubby's childhood plus our life together. and now beans has tubs. totally get it.