Friday, April 25, 2008

Mrs. No Ass

I have no ass. It is a horrible affliction, which devastates me every time I look in the mirror. My jeans look goofy, because the ass of my pants is always baggy and saggy. I secretly envy all of those girls with big tushies. It is not fair! I deserve to have an ass too!

Here is some photographic evidence of my asslessness...

Look! I have no ass!

Please excuse Porgie. She is on the go go go.
I blame my mother. I think her ass is even flatter than mine. I am hoping that Porgie is not burdened with this awful physical defect. Instead, I hope she gets her daddy's big butt.

17 comments:

Eva said...

Wow, no ass in WHITE pants. That is an accomplishment!

Misguided Mommy said...

my cousin has no ass too. and after watching MANY make over shoes, i am now an expert on this. but wearing jeans with big back pockets or lower back pockets i think totally helps. she of course never listens and buys normal or high back pockets and then i walk behind her calling her pancake ass all day.

however, i think you have a cute tushy, and also, damn you look good

Blazing Goddess said...

Seriously, if mine wasn't so wide, I'd think I just went from lower back to upper thigh. Straight down. Totally flat expanse of WASTELAND proportions.

Chas said...

It's not THAT small, at least it doesn't look so in this picture.

Claudia said...

Woah - you want some of MY ass? I've got a JLO bootie. I'd be willing to share. Really.

Catizhere said...

I used to have a real cute butt.
Even Joe says so. I have pictures of it. All 20-something years old & dare I say, perky.
Of course, back then, I used to walk everywhere. I walked to work every day. Almost 3 miles. uphill.
both ways. really. For the 1st part of the walk *to* work, it was downhill, then up a biiiig, steeep hill to the hospital. On the way home, it was down the big hill then up the gradual slope to my apartment. Then I got my license. next came the gas-ass.
I keep saying that I'm going to start walking again (for exercise) but I can't do it with the kids. They don't power walk, they are toddlers. They toddle. slowly.

Amanda said...

Wish i had no butt, i really do, but if you are Mrs No Ass, I'm Mrs. Fat Ass!
(you look just fine in the photo by the way)

Amanda x

Rachel said...

I spoke with my sister in law the other day about this. After I had Max, my ass is lower. I used to have a great ass but I am not sure where it went. I think it left when I pushed Max out-it sent down my hips and sits at my hips now-ugh.

Lainey-Paney said...

you could get ass implants.

or, you could be like me & have a bubble butt, so when you try to wear cute jeans---no matter what, they dip in the back & show your crack. That's no fun either.

It's like that saying that you are never satisfied with what you have...the grass is always greener on the other side...etc.

amanda said...

oh lainey totally took my idea!! i was sooo going to suggest a butt job :)

and for the record i think your butt looks super chic in those white pants!!

Jeninacide said...

I had the most BODACIOUS BUTT when I was preggo... Now that I have taken off the baby weight= PANCAKE BUTT. UGH. I CANNOT WIN!!!

TEACHBROECK said...

I have a barn ass as well...(broad side of a barn) Flat is not always cute!

Marni Tiani Self said...

You're hilarious! :)

Mama Kalila said...

I have to say this post made me laugh. I used to think I didn't have one... but was informed otherwise lol.

Greg said...

As a guy, I cannot relate to your ass problem. But what I can tell you is that when I am feeling less than confident, I compinsate with a rolled up sock........or 2:)

Thought maybe you would want to give it a try as it always makes me feel better! HA HA HA

Not So Perfect said...

What??? You have a cute butt.

I have the same affliction.

My sister has a name for it and I can't remember it right now, I will have to call her and ask her what it is, it is hilarious though. I know you are sitting on the edge of your seat huh?

Danielle said...

Don't feel bad. I have inherited a flat ass as well. My hubs has a much better butt than I do.