Friday, January 4, 2008

Losing my shit

Sleep deprivation is starting to get the best of me, and its not pretty. I am turning into a mean person, and my loved ones are suffering. I know that I have been complaining a lot, but I am really not very happy right now.

Yesterday was awful. John managed to wake up both Izzy and Porgie from their naps. By the time I left for my doctor's appointment, I could have punched him in his damn face. As I was leaving the house, he had the balls to ask me to stop and buy him some beer on the way home. AHHH!

Then I had to go sit in a waiting room for an hour, before I was finally seen by the doctor. As I was leaving, some old bitch at the front desk kept harassing me about the bill from my c-section. I told her that I had not yet received a bill from their office (which I haven't), and she told me that a bill had definitely been sent. She kept staring at me, like she expected me to pull $600 out of my purse and pay the damn bill. She ended up giving me the number for the billing department, and told me to call them. I just had Izzy 6 weeks ago. That damn woman was acting like I hadn't paid my bill in 5 months or something. AHHHH!

On the way home, I started crying. I am not really sure why I was crying, but I know that I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to nurse my baby. I didn't want to play with Porgie. I didn't want to hear crying. I didn't want to see John. I just wanted peace. I just wanted to be alone. But, I sucked it up and drove home to nurse Izzy.

Last night Izzy woke up 56 times, as usual. But when he refused to go back to sleep at 3:30, I honestly felt like I was on the edge of snapping. I actually had to go in the living room and scream into a pillow to release some of my tension. After a few minutes, I went back in and tried to calm Izzy down. I was actually angry at him, so it was hard for me to be empathic. He cried off and on from 3:30 to 6:30. Izzy kept waking her up, so Porgie cried off and on during this time too.

And this morning, I am left feeling sad and tired. I am disappointed in myself. I knew having two babies under the age of two would be tough, but I didn't expect to feel so depleted and empty.

20 comments:

Eva said...

I am really glad to hear that you got to cry and scream a little. I know I would be doing that a LOT.

It all sounds miserable. I am very sorry. I wouldn't want to go home, either. I bet if you just had one night to yourself you would feel a zillion times better. I wish there were some way you could have that.

As for your disappointment in yourself, it sounds entirely unwarranted. I think you are doing an amazing job and I just can't believe how much you are having to handle. From what I understand, it'll be all uphill from here. If you can do it now, and you ARE doing it now, very well, then it'll only be easier.

Thinking of you.

Eva said...

I mean, all DOWNhill.

Cagey said...

Do NOT be disappointed in yourself. You sound perfectly and completely and utterly NORMAL given the circumstances.

It will get easier. Then harder. Then easier. Then harder. Welcome to the rollercoaster. ;-)

I cannot give advice, because I am still working through it myself and have not really gotten it figured out. I can say that what keeps me sane is trying to get out of the house and trying to enjoy the little things I like - reading, knitting and blogging.

However, I realize getting out of the house is painful and stressful when you are lugging 2 kiddos around. I also realize that finding any free minute to do something for yourself is also difficult. I just know that it helps me when I can get those things done, if possible.

Hang in there. I wish I could hug you because I feel your pain. I really feel it.

S said...

I don't have any experience w/two babies but I know how it feels to get no sleep and be on the verge of going bonkers.

Just hang in there. I'm sure you'll get that a lot but just take it one minute at a time.

As for the Mr. maybe he needs to see how close you are to losing it. I lost it one evening when little man was only a few weeks old and collapsed at the front door sobbing and when Mr. finally saw what a state I was in, he finally got a clue that he needed to step in, take care of K and give me some space.

I hate admitting that I was at that point, but something had to give.

Dooneybug said...

I'm so sorry to hear how things continue to be difficult. If I lived closer I'd come over, help you and give you a great big hug 'cause it definitely sounds like you need one. Is there anybody you could call to watch the kids, for even just an hour, so you can get out of the house and have some quiet? It's not out of the question to ask John to watch the kids for a little bit when he's at home so you can go to the store or a coffee shop to just sit by yourself. Izzy can have a bottle and John can buck up and give it to him AND play with Porgie. No father should ever say they can't do that for a little bit, especially when you're doing it 24/7. You need a break and you need to just go and have it!

I totally understand being mad at your baby - I've felt that way before too. That's not odd at all and please don't be disappointed in yourself. You are doing all you can, there's really no reason to think you could do more, therefore disappointing yourself.

Suz said...

The time right after having a baby is tough; it's even harder when trying to care for not one, but two kids. They take up every ounce of energy and time that you have. I agree with Eva that you're doing an amazing job but it sounds (to me) that you might be trying to do it all or mostly alone. Right after the twins were born, I had help and a great deal of it. I'm thinking of you and wishing that there was something that I could do.

Mama Kalila said...

First off wanted to say thanks for the comment - had planned to when I got on here lol. Picking names is hard... I was really stuck on L'Nae's first name, feels so much better to have it down now. I didn't put it in the blog, but it's Sultana.

But anyways.. I'm sorry things are rough right now. I can't say I understand how hard having two that age is because I don't yet. But one is hard so I can imagine. Don't beat yourself up over being upset, crying & such. It's normal. & don't forget that if you need to you can see a dr, there's nada wrong with that. Honestly I'm about to do that. If you ever need to talk I'm here... You can email me or whatever. I know it's helped me to talk to my friends that have kids. & blogging helps too oddly enough lol.

As for the bill situation. UGGH. I got lucky w/ the bill from when Kalila was born... that hospital's been great about sending bills, but not harping over the fact htat we can only pay so much at a time. But the one we went to when I had problems.... they are driving me insane. They actually called Christmas Eve bugging me about it. I wish they (all that do that, not just the ones I'm dealing w/) would be more considerate.

Anyways, my daughter is up from her nap... so off for mommy duty :-D. Hang in there & hope things get better!

Not So Perfect said...

You are an amazing woman!

Thank you for your honesty. I think many woman have feelings similiar to yours and are afraid to admit it. Including myself.

You are doing it ALL and need a break. Everyone needs a break from time to time. When your husband gets home tonight maybe you could hand him the baby and tell him you are going to go do something for yourself.

It will get better. I am thinking about you and your family. Maybe you could have one of those beers your husband asked you to get. :-)

Amber said...

Oh sweetie, if I could reach through and give you a hug right now I would! I feel for you and I just hope things start to turn the other way for you! Having two under two is definantly rough so I know somewhat what you are going through.

Lindz said...

Don't be disappointed in yourself, the babyblues happen and you have a ton of stressors going on around you. Wish I could take your kids off of your hands for an afternoon so you could rest and maybe get a pedi :) Hang in there.

Rachel said...

Do not be hard on yourself-I feel this way often and i have one.

Not sleeping is tough and not having anyone there but you and your boob to help is even tougher.

Wow, I wanted to punch my hubby today @. I should have come over.

Papa Bradstein said...

I'm sure that I wouldn't have wanted to go home either, and that I would have cried. You know, I hit that point with just one child, although I wasn't smart enough to scream into a pillow, I just sighed heavily and took him back out to the glider to try--again!--to get him back to sleep. Here's hoping that everyone gets into a groove soon enough. What everyone else said is true--you're doing an amazing job. Even when you feel like you're not, you truly are--you just can't see that from where you are. But we can see it. And your family can.

Anth said...

Oh Christy, I'm sorry. I'll put you in my prayers. I know you can do it!

Misguided Mommy said...

dude 600.00 my c section was 2000.00 you lucky bastard. i know its hard..beleive me i'm sucking at this too but someday it will all be worth it when you have two slaves to do your dishes

Bon said...

what a wretched day, friend.

you sound exhausted and at the end of your rope, and i sympathize...and think you deserve a bit of a break, at least from grown people demanding stuff from you, since babies are kinda made that way. the doctor's office chicky was a bit of a cow about that bill, really.

i wonder...did you have a chance or an opening to let the doctor know how overwhelmed and frustrated you're feeling? i suck at asking for help or support and am someone who always tries to show how okay i'm doing, but looking back i honestly think i had a certain amount of PPD after O was born and i wish now that i'd gotten some help with that.

good luck.

Bon said...

what a wretched day, friend.

you sound exhausted and at the end of your rope, and i sympathize...and think you deserve a bit of a break, at least from grown people demanding stuff from you, since babies are kinda made that way. the doctor's office chicky was a bit of a cow about that bill, really.

i wonder...did you have a chance or an opening to let the doctor know how overwhelmed and frustrated you're feeling? i suck at asking for help or support and am someone who always tries to show how okay i'm doing, but looking back i honestly think i had a certain amount of PPD after O was born and i wish now that i'd gotten some help with that.

good luck.

MN Clampits said...

Oh dear, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Don't blame or get to hard on yourself. This happens to all mom's whether they've got 1 or 5 kids. I am sorry you had such a bad night. Does your hubby get up to help? Or since he works has that been deemed your job?

I wish I could come babysit for you for a day... you could go do whatever you wanted... then I'd stay over and let you sleep all night long... I'd get up with the kids.

Do you have anyone around you would trust to sit with the kids for a couple hours one day a week? So you could just get away? You certainly deserve it and it sounds like you would really enjoy it.

As for hubby with the beer comment. Hah! Sounds just like mine... sometimes they just don't understand... and I know they feel the same way about us.

I'm sure things will go back and forth like this for some time... some good, then some bad days... it's that crazy thing we decided to do called parenting.

Take care and feel free to email if you just need a blog friend to vent to! krismick25@hotmail

MN Clampits said...

I have to fix one thing I said in my first comment. I said, "since your hubby works, has that been deemed your job?" What I should have said was, "since your hubby works outside the home, has that been deemed your job." Cuz god knows I know being home with two kids is much more work than being at the office. My apologies.

Em said...

Your doing a amazing job and to be honest if it wasnt tough and you werent knacked you wouldnt be normal! Can only get better.....

I am mean with sleep!

kristi said...

Gawd, I have been there. My son is 6, has mild autism, and just recently stopped waking up 3 to 4 times a night, if he wakes up once we are doing good! I start my mornings at 5 am but thank God I have a job or I probably would have lost it a long time ago. I hope things get better for you.