New developments...

I tired nursing Izzy in his room with the door shut, and Porgie threw a major tantrum. Of course, he couldn't sleep because of all of the screaming. So, I have decided that I am going to invest in a few baby gates. I am going to try to corral Porgie into the living room and dinning room area, while I nurse Izzy to sleep in his room. The boy needs some sleep and mommy needs some peace. I am fairly confident that Porgie is going to FLIP OUT the first time I trap her in the living room, but hopefully she will adjust.
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Porgie hated being swaddled when she was a baby, so we didn't swaddle her. After a few days home from the hospital, Izzy started fighting the swaddle too. For a few weeks, I stopped swaddling him. However, he was sleeping horribly at night. So, I purchased a new swaddling blanket and gave it another try. Although he still hates having his arms restricted, he will usually settle down after a few minutes. OH MY GOD, my child has been sleeping for longer than 30 minutes at a stretch at night. It is a miracle. I only got up to feed him three times last night!!!
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My husband isn't such a jerk after all. He stayed home from work last Friday, and sent me to a day spa to have a massage and to get my hair done. Although this was a very sweet gesture, he failed to take into account the fact that I am breastfeeding. So, I skipped the massage for time's sake, and just had my hair done. I LOVE IT. Seriously, it is the best haircut I have ever had, and the color is perfect. I am a red head again! It is fabulous!

John gave the spa his credit card number when he made the appointment, because he didn't want me to see the bill. However, the goofy receptionist printed out the bill anyways. Holy crap - having my hair cut and dyed was $158! Yikes. I still think it was totally worth it. My hair is so pretty!
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Porgie has been learning lots of new things, not all of them good. She likes to shove her fingers down her throat and make herself gag. Very annoying. She also likes to spin in a circle until she is dizzy and falls down. Very cute, but also a like scary. I just know that she is going to end up getting hurt.

Porgie has also been learning lots of new words, like "thank you" and "you're welcome." Her new favorite word is, "Izzy." She also loves to say "paw print," "think," and "clue." Can anyone guess which kid show Porgie likes best?
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I think that just about sums everything up.

Breastfeeding Mr. Fatty McButter Pants

I haven't talked about breastfeeding in a while, because things have been going relatively good. I love everything about breastfeeding, except for the fact that I have to feed my little boy ALL THE DAMN TIME. The kid is a bottomless pit. He is never full. Have I mentioned that he weighs 17 pounds?

Izzy typically wants to nurse every 1 to 1 1/2 hours during the day. On a good night, I might get 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but that is rare. I am usually up feeding Izzy every hour or two all night long. It is exhausting. At first, I contributed his ferocious appetite to growth spurts. However, it has become apparently clear that he is not having one big continuous growth spurt. Instead, he is just a big baby. A very big baby, who likes to eat all the damn time.

I really struggled with breastfeeding Porgie, so I hate to admit this, but sometimes I resent breastfeeding. Especially in the middle of the night. Especially when Izzy eats every damn hour. Especially when he absolutely refuses to take a bottle from John. I guess the never ending demand for food is just a little overwhelming sometimes.

Yet at the same time, I love breastfeeding. I love that I don't have to get up and make Izzy a bottle 6 times per night. I love that he is instantly calmed when I pick him up. I love that I can feed him and still have one free hand to play with Porgie.

Obviously, I am a little crazy with postpartum hormones. I know I am still loopy because I had a horrible temper tantrum last week over a bowl of cereal. Yes, a bowl of cereal. But that is a story for another day...

Mr. Fatty McButter Pants

The Black Beans

We took Porgie to a birthday party on Saturday. She had a fabulous time playing and eating cake. After the party, we stopped by Whole Foods and did our weekly grocery shopping. Being the lazy people that we are, we bought Porgie some black bean salad from the food bar for dinner.

Overall, it seemed like a really great day. Unfortunately, the good vibe did not last long. After eating about half of the black bean salad, Porgie started puking. It was very sad to see her little body bent over heaving. Black beans and soy milk were everywhere. Poor baby.

After we cleaned her up, she seemed like her normal self. She ran around playing with her toys, and she even ate a little more before bed.

Around 9:30, I heard Porgie gagging. I went into her room and found her curled up in a puddle of puke. She was soaked in vomit. It was on her pajamas, her hair, and her lovey. John and I worked together to clean the mess. Although Porgie whimpered while I cleaned her up, she didn't seem terribly upset. I read her a few stories and put her back to bed.

Today she is her normal self again. This makes me wonder whether Porgie was sick or the black bean salad was bad. Either way, I am steering clear of the food bar for a while.

Stream of Consciousness

John and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary on Monday. And by celebrated, I mean we didn't speak to one another. My husband forgot our anniversary. How lame is that? I thought that was just a cliche portrayed on television shows. I guess I was WRONG.
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Oh my goodness, Porgie is asleep and Izzy just fell asleep in his swing! I am super excited. Maybe I can actually have 30 minutes of alone time. Probably not, but let's keep our fingers crossed.
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I no longer like my animals. Before Porgie was born, I loved all of my critters whole heartedly. I didn't anticipate that I would fall out of love with them so quickly. They just get on my nerves now. Anyone interested in 2 dogs and 4 cats? I am kidding, of course. Unless you really want 2 dogs and 4 cats...
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I complain a lot. Sometimes I feel like all is do is whine in my posts. I am obviously a very annoying person. Why are you still reading my blog? Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. That is all I do.
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I am a mean mommy. When Porgie wakes up from her naps, I never get her out of bed until she starts crying. I figure, if she is happy, why disturb her? On a good day, she'll play in her crib for 30 minutes. She is a good little girl.
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Izzy's two month appointment was Wednesday. Guess how much he weighed? 17 pounds! He is such a little fatty. Although it feels like I feed him constantly, I do love me a chubby baby. But seriously, 17 pounds is ENORMOUS for an exclusively breastfeed baby. Porgie only weighed 13 pounds at 2 months and she was getting a bottle.
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I just realized that the movie Girl Interrupted is on right now. I have to go watch it, because BOTH OF MY BABIES ARE ASLEEP!!!!

Look how cute my blog is!

Do you like my new header? I LOVE it. Seriously, I LOVE it. Mary made it for me. She is the most awesome person ever, and she is now officially my new best friend. Thank you Mary!

Do they make ear plugs for babies?

Remember when I bragged about the fact that Izzy liked to sit in his swing and bouncy seat? I may have been a little hasty in making those statements. Izzy HATES his swing with a passion. He DESPISES his bouncy seat. Fortunately, he tolerates his activity mat for 5 or 10 minutes. My sweet little boy has kind of turned into a little monster. He has been so damn fussy lately.

I realize that his fussy attitude is probably due to his lack of sleep (please see yesterday's post), but I really don't know how to improve the situation. When Izzy looks tired, I usually nurse him to sleep in the living room. Although he will typically fall asleep, the trick is getting him to stay asleep. I typically hold him for 15 to 20 minutes until he is in a deep sleep. Then I transfer him to his car seat and carry him to his room. Unfortunately, Porgie usually ends up waking him up before he falls into a deep sleep.

I have tried nursing him to sleep in his room, but Porgie follows me around making tons of racket. She absolutely LOVES to open and shut the changing table drawers, which startles Izzy awake EVERY DAMN TIME. Although I could shut the bedroom door, Porgie would just cry and scream until I opened it again. And I really don't want to make Porgie scream and cry.

Izzy loves sleeping in the car, but Porgie hasn't slept in the car since she was 6 months old. If Izzy happens to fall asleep in the car, I can't drive around until he wakes up because, once again, Porgie will scream and cry.

Have you noticed a theme here? I seem to only be able to please one child at a time. I totally suck ass at this whole parenting thing. Of course I am kidding, but it does kind of feel that way some times.

Although kisses are sweet, sleep is definitely better.

I don't like newborns

Yes, you read the title correctly. I don't like newborns. They are annoying little creatures, who allow absolutely no rest for the weary. I cannot wait until Izzy is out of this awful stage. And no, I will not look back fondly, and wonder where all the time went. Instead, I will be happy that I don't have a damn newborn!

I think it is an urban myth that newborns actually sleep, because Porgie NEVER slept and Izzy NEVER sleeps. It makes me want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs - GO TO FUCKING SLEEP! JUST CLOSE YOUR DAMN EYES AND SLEEP! But even if I screamed this, Izzy would not go to sleep. Because newborns are little bastards.

Don't feel sorry for little Izzy. I don't actually torture him with my rantings. Instead, I come here and torture you with my rantings.

I am tired mom, but there is no way in hell I am going to sleep!

Because I haven't posted pictures in a month

Okay, I am still having lots of camera and computer issues over here. I had to fill up a whole disc of pictures before I could down load them to my computer. That was about 300 photos! I was taking about 10 pictures a day, and it still took me FOREVER. So, without further ado, here are some pictures of my beautiful babies...

A slightly cross-eyed smile
Porgie and her best friend , Night-night
Porgie all bundled up and ready to go
Porgie petting her brother's headPretty in stripes

Blogging keeps me sane.

I have been blogging for a whole year! Can you believe it? To celebrate my special day, I am going to tell you how I started blogging...

On January 19, 2006, we moved to New Jersey. During the first several months, I was feeling a little isolated and lonely. I was pregnant with Porgie and of course, I was a total nut case. One morning, I hadn't felt the baby move in several hours. I started to panic. I did some random google search on fetal movement, and I clicked on a link for Aliza's blog, Babyfruit. Aliza was pregnant with NG, and she was experiencing a similar episode. I started reading some of her entries, and I was hooked. Her daughter was due around the same time as Porgie, so I felt an instant connection to her.

After reading Aliza's blog for several days, I began exploring. I found DooneyBug, who was also due around the same time. Then I found Cagey, who already had an adorable little baby boy. And finally, I found Cecily who was pregnant with her little girl.

Although I didn't read many blogs, I faithfully followed these four women. I NEVER commented on their blogs, because I didn't understand the importance of comments. We all ended up having healthy babies within weeks of one another (Cecily and I had our babies on the same day!).

After Porgie was born, I stopped reading blogs for awhile. I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of a newborn, and she consumed every second of my day. However, when Porgie was about 3 months old, she started taking a long morning nap in her swing. Not wanting to wake her, I retreated to the office and started reading blogs again.

When Porgie turned 6 months old, I decided to start my own blog. I was a little hesitant, because I didn't want my family or friends to know about my blog - not even John. I wanted my blog to be my own private little space, where I could write about anything and everything. If people in my real life were reading, I knew I would hold back on my true feelings and thoughts. So, in secrecy, Cakerwakers was born.

On January 19, 2007, I finally started writing. Of course, no one knew I existed because I NEVER commented on anyone's blog. Then one day, I got a comment!!! Oh my god! I was super duper excited.

Eva was my first commenter. I quickly went over to her blog, and fell in love with her. She is a great person and a fabulous writer (now go read her blog!). Eva's comments made me recognize the importance of communication. This is really what blogging is all about. In turn, I started leaving comments and developing relationships with other bloggers.

Blogging is now officially my hobby. It is the one thing that I do, regardless of all the hectic things in my life. I always find time to blog, because it makes me happy. So, how did you discover blogging?

Getting older

My husband's birthday is coming up, and I am having the hardest damn time finding him a present. I went to the mall yesterday, but I didn't find a single thing I thought he would like. So frustrating.

When we first started dating, he was easy to shop for. Somewhere over the past 10 years, I ran out of gift ideas. I have no freaking clue what he would like. And I am sure he feels the same way about me. I think it is part of the aging process - people just get harder and harder to shop for. Personally, I am no longer interested in material possessions. I just want John to finish household chores. I have been trying to get him to paint the kitchen for my birthday, but he insists that the fumes are too harmful for Izzy and Porgie. I suspect he'll be using this excuse for years.

Typically I wouldn't put so much thought into his gift, but I feel like I need to buy something really great. I didn't buy him a Christmas gift, and my anniversary gift is LAME.

So, I am at a loss. What is the last thing you bought your hubby? Yes, I am totally going to steal your gift idea.

The second time around

Although it seems like many of my days are an endless parade of crying and poopy diapers, it isn't all bad. Some things have actually gotten easier the second time around. Let me explain...

When Porgie was little, I couldn't stand to hear her cry. My heart would race, and I would feel panicky. This is no longer the case. Porgie cries and Izzy cries and I am okay with this. I no longer judge the success of my parenting on the amounts of tears shed. As long as my babies are fed and cleaned and relatively happy, I am doing my job as a parent.

When Porgie was little, I was terrified of SIDS. I would wake up in a cold sweat, certain that Porgie was in danger. I remember sleeping with my hand on her chest some nights. However, SIDS is no longer at the forefront of my thoughts. When I put my babies to bed, I am confident that they are sleeping safe and sound.

When Porgie was little, I was terrified of letting my husband take her out by himself. She needed me. Obviously, I was the only person who knew how to take care of her - right? WRONG. Now I heartily encourage my husband to take my kids and leave the damn house already! They'll be fine without me.

In summary, I am not nearly as neurotic as I was the first time around. Its kind of nice to let go of these irrational, crazy fears.

A new book

When I am feeling anxious and unsure about my situation in life, I often find myself reading numerous books on whatever predicament I am facing. Currently, I am consumed with sleep. I want sleep. I crave sleep. I long for sleep.

When Porgie was little, I read several books on sleep. None of them really helped me, but they made me feel more in control of the situation. Even though the books were of little or no help, reading them made me feel like I was doing something to correct the problem.

I recently purchased a new sleep book called, Health Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I am not very far into the book, but the author is already making me feel like an inadequate mother. According to the doctor, a child under 4 months of age should not be wake for longer then 1 to 2 hours. Izzy is regularly awake for much longer then 2 hours. I often try to get him to sleep, but something usually disrupts my efforts - like Porgie crying for a cup of milk or my dogs barking at the wind or the damn phone ringing. Some days, Izzy will only get a handful of 20 minute cat naps all day long. He is fussy most of the time, so I am sure he is sleep deprived.

The author of this book has also managed to make me feel more anxious about the future. According to his theory, the more your child cries as a newborn, the more difficult his temperament will be at four months of age. He went on to say that parents who effectively soothe their newborn babies, usually have more happy and alert children. Although I would like to think that I am good at soothing Izzy, I know that he has cried way more than Porgie cried as a newborn. But sometimes I have to let him cry. When I am reading Porgie stories and putting her to bed, Izzy cries. When I am fixing Porgie breakfast and trying to feed her, Izzy cries. When I am too tired and weary to comfort anyone, Izzy cries.

Maybe I shouldn't have purchased this book, because it is definitely not making me feel more in control of the situation.

Body issues

Did you know that I have gestated two babies in my womb? While this fact is amazing, it is certainly not flattering to my abdomen. Dear friends, my body is in bad shape.

I have already returned to my pre-pregnancy weight, yet none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit my fat ass. It seems that my stomach is now flabby and saggy. Honestly, I get a little depressed every time I look in the mirror. To top things off, my new stretch marks make me look like a purple zebra. Ugh.

Don't let the above statements fool you into thinking that I am anywhere near my ideal weight, because I am not. My goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before I had Porgie. I am a far way off from this goal. In fact, I have about 30 pounds to lose.

I am not good at losing weight, because I never alter the types of food that I eat. Instead, I just try to limit the amount that I eat. Of course, this rarely works because I have no willpower. I suppose that exercising wouldn't hurt, but who has the time or energy?

Since I can no longer wear my size 14 clothing and my maternity clothes are falling off of me, I suppose I have to go shopping. But where do I go? Any suggestions for plus size clothing stores? Ack. That sentence just made me shed a little tear.

I left the house again!

Yesterday was a very busy day. I actually left the house in the morning and then again in the afternoon. Needless to say, I was exhausted by 4:00 pm.

On Monday, the kitchen light (which has two bulbs in it) would not work. That evening, we had to use a flashlight to navigate around the kitchen. John concluded that the light fixture must be bad. So yesterday morning, I ventured to Lowe's to buy a new fixture for the kitchen.

We came home, and I put Porgie down for her nap. She slept for about 30 minutes and was up crying. Ugh. Izzy was fussing and crying too, so we went to the park (it was like 70 degrees in new Jersey yesterday). Porgie was a nightmare. She cried because other kids were on the swings. She cried because other kids were on the slide. She cried because the wind blew.

We left the park and headed over to the doctor's office. Porgie had to get her second dose of the flu shot. She is one smart little cookie, because she started screaming in the waiting room when the nurse called her name. Of course, receiving the shot was very traumatic and everyone cried.

By the time we left, I had a splitting headache. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got a large strawberry shake. All my troubles melted away as I gulped down my lovely beverage. I had been off dairy for weeks to try to help Izzy's intestinal troubles, but it hasn't seemed to help. So, I am back on dairy.

We went home, where Porgie continued to whine and cry. John got home around 5:30 and put up the new kitchen light fixture. It turns out that our old fixture wasn't bad after all. We just had two bad light bulbs. DUH! But I don't blame John for thinking it was bad - how often do two light bulbs go bad at the same exact time?

Anyways, I was wiped last night. Izzy and I went to bed around 8:30. However, it did feel good to get out of the house again. Its just so damn hard to get both kids ready and fed before leaving. Fortunately, Izzy slept almost the entire time we were out, so that made life much easier. Call me crazy, but I think we are going to go out again this afternoon.

Milestones

As a parent, I have always been very proud of my little girl as she achieved new milestones. Over the past year and a half, I have excitedly watched as Porgie learned to smile, roll over, sit up, crawl, and walk. Yesterday she accomplished a new milestone, which was not nearly as neat.

We were in the grocery store shopping, when Porgie suck her finger up her nose and pulled out a BIG booger. Because she is a classy lady, she instantly tried to eat the booger. I think she was pretty amazed that she found something up in there, because she spent the rest of the day with her finger up her nose.

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Izzy has started to give us little smiles every now and again. It is very sweet to see that big gummy smile as he stares intensely at the living room blinds. John can also get a few smiles by touching izzy's nose and chin, while rambling nonsense at him. I, however, have not received one damn smile. Apparently, I am not very funny.

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Yesterday I actually cooked dinner! Can you believe that I cooked dinner? I think John is still in shock too. I felt like one of those housewives. It was very bizarre.

Losing my shit

Sleep deprivation is starting to get the best of me, and its not pretty. I am turning into a mean person, and my loved ones are suffering. I know that I have been complaining a lot, but I am really not very happy right now.

Yesterday was awful. John managed to wake up both Izzy and Porgie from their naps. By the time I left for my doctor's appointment, I could have punched him in his damn face. As I was leaving the house, he had the balls to ask me to stop and buy him some beer on the way home. AHHH!

Then I had to go sit in a waiting room for an hour, before I was finally seen by the doctor. As I was leaving, some old bitch at the front desk kept harassing me about the bill from my c-section. I told her that I had not yet received a bill from their office (which I haven't), and she told me that a bill had definitely been sent. She kept staring at me, like she expected me to pull $600 out of my purse and pay the damn bill. She ended up giving me the number for the billing department, and told me to call them. I just had Izzy 6 weeks ago. That damn woman was acting like I hadn't paid my bill in 5 months or something. AHHHH!

On the way home, I started crying. I am not really sure why I was crying, but I know that I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to nurse my baby. I didn't want to play with Porgie. I didn't want to hear crying. I didn't want to see John. I just wanted peace. I just wanted to be alone. But, I sucked it up and drove home to nurse Izzy.

Last night Izzy woke up 56 times, as usual. But when he refused to go back to sleep at 3:30, I honestly felt like I was on the edge of snapping. I actually had to go in the living room and scream into a pillow to release some of my tension. After a few minutes, I went back in and tried to calm Izzy down. I was actually angry at him, so it was hard for me to be empathic. He cried off and on from 3:30 to 6:30. Izzy kept waking her up, so Porgie cried off and on during this time too.

And this morning, I am left feeling sad and tired. I am disappointed in myself. I knew having two babies under the age of two would be tough, but I didn't expect to feel so depleted and empty.

The reason my child can't nap...

Izzy was super fussy this morning, so I decided to rock him to sleep in his nursery. Miraculously, Porgie stayed in the living room, so he went right to sleep. I quietly crept out of the room. Fifteen minutes later I heard a loud noise on his monitor, followed by little whimpers. My dumb ass husband had walked into his room and woke him up. Bastard. I went back in and rocked Izzy to sleep again. I quietly crept out of the room once again. Five minutes later I heard my dogs barking, followed my little whimpers. Bastards. I went back in and attempted to rock him to sleep again, but Porgie decided that she really wanted to bang on his door. Little bastard.

Now Izzy is crying, but refuses to sleep. Why is the world conspiring against me?

Question...

I have a personal question to ask all the ladies. I have my 6 week postpartum check-up this week, and Iam still bleeding. Should I reschedule my appointment? John has already asked off for work, so I kind of feel like I have to go. Tell me what you think...