How to snag a lady: Part 1

It was the winter of 1997. I was working at a little pizza place called Mio's Pizzeria. I had been working there for about a year, and had become friends with most of the people who worked there. I didn't have a car and my mother was unreliable, so I frequently asked my coworkers for a ride home. Usually a guy named Jason would drive me home. We would smoke a joint and drive around town for a few hours. Good times, good times.

One Saturday night, one of the delivery drivers was hanging out in the restaurant. His name was John. He had blue hair. For that fact alone, I thought he was awesome. He was a funny guy - always making offhanded comments about other people. He had given me a ride home a few times, and I remember thinking that he was very cool because he listened to punk music. But other than that, I really didn't know him.

He was chatting with all of the waitresses, and he appeared to be drunk. We were laughing at his silly antics, while closing up the restaurant. I have to admit, I always liked John. He was much older than me, but he was so fun to be around. I always looked forward to working with him, because I knew I would spend half of the night laughing.

When my chores were finished, I went to the register to clock out. John and Jason were both standing at the front counter. Somehow, both of them offered to drive me home. I awkwardly agreed to go with John. I was obviously a very dumb girl, because I knowingly agreed to go home with the DRUNK guy. But the other guy smoked pot, so I am not sure which is better.

John drove me home. And we almost wrecked into a telephone pole. When we finally made it to my house, I asked if he wanted to come inside for a few minutes. My mother was asleep, so we tiptoed up to my bedroom. We were listening to music and talking. This was 12 years ago, so some of the details are fuzzy, but I remember that he tried to kiss me and I turned my head just in the nick of time. After the awkwardness faded, he started talking about his dog. He asked if I wanted to go back to his house to see his puppy. AND I AGREED. That is right, I got back in the car with a DRUNK man. On the drive, we agreed that I would spend the night at his house, since it was already past midnight.

When we arrived, I met his adorable and cuddly dog. She was a sweet little puppy, and I liked her instantly. But our meeting was short-lived, because John insisted that he was tired and wanted to go to bed. We all know where this story is headed. We slept together. Well, almost. We tried to sleep together, but John was really drunk and couldn't keep his erection. So we both went to bed frustrated.

The next morning, we woke up early. John drove me home. It was a really awkward experience. I didn't know what to say to him. When we were about halfway to my house, John decided to explain that he "didn't want a girlfriend right now." It was laughable. This jerk invited me to his house, couldn't get an erection, and was worried that I wanted to be his girlfriend. HA! Funny guy. I kindly explained that I didn't want to be his girlfriend.

When I got out of his car, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER dating this guy. I just wanted to pretend our night together never happened.

And that is how I became romantically involved with my husband. Quite the love story - right? HA!

My new BFF

Today I had a playdate with Christy and Miss Foo! I was soooo excited to meet another internet friend in real life! On a side note, I seem to be obsessed with people named Christy. As you know, my name is Christy. I have a good friend in real life named Christie. And today I met up with another Christy. My husband gets all discombobulated when I start talking about all of the Christys in my life.

Anyways, our play date was fabulous. Christy is so sweet. And Miss Foo is indescribably cute. I fell in love with them. My kids were really whiny, so I am sure Christy was probably annoyed by us. But I still had a good time:)

On a completely different note, I made some delicious chocolate thumbprint cookies...

They are a little piece of heaven, right here on Earth. Mmmmmmm.

Beach babies!

It was 90 freaking degrees in Jersey this weekend. INSANITY! We were literally wearing coats to keep warm on Friday morning, and today it was 90 degrees! Wow! We wore shorts and tank tops and flip flops! It was glorious.

Since Porgie seems to be obsessed with the beach, we decided to pack up the kiddos and head to the shore yesterday....







We had so much fun. Porgie cried and cried and cried when we finally left, and I felt a little sad too. It was a beautiful day.

Snippets

I am trying to get back on the eating healthy bandwagon, but it is really tough. I think about chocolate approximately every 30 seconds throughout the day. And I have been craving Coca Cola Classic too. Caffeine and sugar are hard habits to kick!
__________

Izzy's rash is completely healed. None of the creams or lotions seemed to help his irritated skin. It was a slow recovery, but he looks great now.
__________

Porgie has become obsessed with the beach. This morning she kept talking about going swimming and playing in the sand. We had the following conversation...

Porgie - "Go swimming?"
Me - "We have to wait until summer."
Porgie - "We go to summer?"

So now instead of asking to go swimming, she asks to go to summer. How to you explain the concepts of time and season to a 2 year old?
__________

I have been looking for a grey shower curtain, and I am convinced that they do not exist. I have been to Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Sears, Kmart, and Lowes. No-one has a grey shower curtain. Am I the only person in the world who likes the color grey?
__________

Does anyone like Big Love? I obsessed with it, but I no longer have HBO. DAMN IT! So, I have to wait until season 3 comes out on DVD. The suspense is killing me.

I've got nothing, so I talk about shopping.

Okay, my children are driving me STARK RAVING MAD. It is April, and it is rainy. So, we are stuck inside most days. As a result, my children have transformed into whiny balls of mush. The nonstop whining is grating on my nerves.

To break up all the whining, I decided to go shopping for some new summer clothes today. Old Navy has some really cute stuff right now. Here are some of my fabulous new clothes...




I really love all the babydoll style shirts that are popular this season. I really hate clingy clothes, and for the past few years, I have had a hard time finding loose fitting tops. These shirts are perfect for me. And the sundress? I normally don't wear many dresses, but I thought this one was too cute.

Household Affairs

Living room
My floors are horrendous. Seriously, I want to puke when I look at my carpets. SO GROSS. These kids have wrecked havoc on our beige carpet. Beige carpet? What the hell was I thinking? I should have invested in black carpet. Much more baby friendly. Also, my couch has several stains on the cushions. We use sippy cups exclusively. Why is everything I own stained with milk and juice? Gah.

Playroom
We have too many toys. WAY TOO MANY TOYS. I just can't seem to get rid of anything. As soon as I think about tossing something, the kids suddenly start playing with it again. So we keep it. And my mother certainly isn't helping the situation. She is always sending toys. She sends lots of stuffed animals too, but my kids aren't really stuffed animal types of kids. At first, I tossed all of the stuffed animals into Porgie's closet, but we quickly ran out of space. Now I just toss them straight into the trash. I know this sounds mean, but I can't continue to collect junk. So my mother pays to ship stuffed animals from KY to NJ, and I toss them straight into the garbage. I feel bad, but what can I do? I guess I could ask her to stop sending them, but that seems rude. Plus, she probably wouldn't listen to me anyways.

Bathroom
My bathroom is really ugly. It is painted this strange green color, which I think is horrible. John, on the other hand, thinks it looks great. I really want to paint the bathroom grey, but I lack the time and energy required to complete this project.

Kitchen
Since having the room painted in Februaury, I have developed a fondness for my outdated kitchen. I kind of like my 1970's yellow backsplash. However, I DO NOT like my yellow formicha countertops. I have been trying to convince John to have the countertops replaced. He thinks it is a waste of money since we are going to replace the entire kitchen in a few years. I just hate waiting. I want the kitchen to look better NOW.

Okay, I am done complaining about my house. Thanks for lending an ear. Are you working on any projects around the house?

Fucking darn houses!

I have been fretting, worrying, and making myself sick over the housing market. A few months ago, the house on the corner sold for $5,000 more than we paid for our house. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then the house right next to our house went up for sale last week. I was particularly interested in this house, because it is the same exact model as our house. It sold within days for the same amount that we paid 3 years ago. Believe it or not, this made me giddy. We haven't lost anything! We haven't gained anything either, but it makes me sleep better knowing that our house hasn't lost value.

Speaking of houses, Izzy has turned into quite the little handy-man lately. I was laying on the couch, being a big lazy asshole, when I noticed that Izzy wasn't in the living room. I called for him, but he didn't come. It was unusually quiet, so I got up to check on him. I found him in Porgie's room, "fixing" the crib...
And this last story takes the cake. We had an old shed in our backyard that needed to be torn down. John decided to start dismanteling it this morning. Porgie was watching from the kitchen window. We had the following conversation...

Porgie: "OH NO! Daddy broke the fucking house!"
Me: "Porgie that isn't very nice. Fuck is a bad word. Use a nice word, like darn."
Porgie: "Daddy broke the fucking darn house!"

Crazy kid. I am pretty sure that she is going to be kicked out of preschool because of her foul language.

A day at the farm

I took the kids to the farm this morning. It was sooo fun. I had no idea that the farm could be so entertaining.





Getting out of the house made me feel better about about my fat ass. Tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow I am throwing all the damn Easter candy away. Wish me luck!

Fat ass

I am in a downward spiral. My eating has been completely out-of-control lately. I have been binging on candy and cookies, taking second helpings at dinner, and finishing the night with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. I can literally feel myself getting fatter by the second. I know it sounds goofy, but I honestly feel helpless. I am hungry all the time. Izzy has almost completely stopped nursing, so maybe my hormones are out of whack? I just feel so horrible about myself and my behavior. Gah.

And to make matters worse, everyone keeps giving my children candy. Our neighbor just gave us ANOTHER chocolate bunny. In case you were wondering, it was delicious:( I literally have NO willpower when it comes to sweets. If they are in the house, I just keep eating them. I suck.

My kid is a nut case

Somebody has to be the bad guy. And today, I am the bad guy. If you remember, my daughter likes to puke. She makes herself vomit if she doesn't want to go to bed, if she doesn't want to eat dinner, if she is really pissed off about something, etc. It started last summer and has been a regular part of our lives for the past year. However the problem has greatly decreased over the past 6 or 7 months. Sometimes she'll go an entire month without forcing herself to vomit. This is AWESOME.

But the problem still exists. She still makes herself puke. And it still makes my blood boil. On Easter Sunday, Porgie made herself puke because she didn't want to eat lunch. She wanted to eat candy instead. I managed to remain fairly calm during her episode, but all of her candy was confiscated, and she was sent to bed early.

Fast forward to today. When lunch time rolled around, she told me she wanted soup. I prepared the lunch she had REQUESTED and put her in the highchair. After two bites, she asked to get down. I told her no, so she started gagging herself. Knowing that she was getting ready to vomit, I ran to the linen closet to get a towel. I tried to stay calm. Truly I did. But as she vomited onto her tray, I lost it. I SCREAMED at her. I screamed LOUD. But she seemed unfazed by my rage, so I made a brash decision. I took away her night-night (aka her most prized, beloved blanket).

She started crying. I told her that she could have night-night back after she woke up from her nap. She cried harder. I put her to bed. And she cried for the entire 2 hours. I felt like shit. Why did I take away her favorite thing in the whole wide world? I almost caved and gave her the damn blanket, but I didn't. I am hoping that she learned a valuable lesson today. I know I did.

More Easter Cuteness

Hello internet! How was your weekend? Mine was AWESOME. We went to the aquarium and Chuck E. Cheese. We colored eggs. We were visited by the Easter Bunny! We ate lots of candy. We had an Easter egg hunt. Our weekend was pretty much every kid's fantasy. And I enjoyed myself too, although my bank account is definitely feeling the affects of our adventures.

As punishment for having so much fun, we are all sick today - sore throat, runny nose, cough. Izzy woke up FIVE times last night. FIVE! I am dead tired today and can barely function. So instead of entertaining you with an amusing anecdote, I am going to placate you with pictures of my babies. Fortunately for you, my kids are super adorable...

Easter Eggs

I decided that we needed to dye eggs this year. For the first time in my life, I boiled eggs (we normally don't eat eggs). The kids thought it was amazing. It was definitely a messy adventure, but it was really fun too.




If this face doesn't say FUN, I don't know what does...

Beaver Boy

After reading all of your comments, I realized that I am in good company. Apparently, all of you curse like sailors too. I am so relieved. At least I know that you won't be terribly offended when my daughter proclaims that you are"so fucking annoying."

Did you know that my son is not human? He is actually a beaver. Here is some photographic evidence...

Where did the horse's tail go?

Izzy loves frog legs. Mmmm.

This blanket used to have a satin boarder.

Izzy's crib. He is going to chew his way out.

I took my baby boy to the park this morning. He is getting so big...We were all having fun until this happened...

Um...yeah...I suck ass. I mean butt.

Did you like my last post? Not really my style, but I thought it showcased some of my good mothering skills. And now, (because I want to make all of you feel like excellent parents - which I am sure you all are) I am going to tell you about one of my horrible parenting skills.

I cuss. A LOT. I have tried to stop on numerous occasions, but it never sticks. Within a week or two, I always end up cursing like a sailor again. I always try to rationalize my behavior. I naively tell myself - They are just words! Why are there so many negative connotations attached to silly words like bastard or bitch or shithead? My kids will be fine if I cuss.

But I was wrong. Horribly wrong. Porgie has decided that her new favorite phrase is, "That is so fucking annoying." I honestly don't remember using this phrase excessively, but apparently I did. And Porgie REALLY likes it. She has uttered these words about 542 times in the past 24 hours. Everything she encounters is "so fucking annoying."

I thought that hearing her cuss wouldn't be a big deal, but it is. Those foul words sound so horrible coming out of her sweet little mouth. I hate that I taught her this. I suck.

Putting a big boy to bed...

I glance at the clock - 7:02.

"Time for your bath!!!" I announce with joy. It has been a long day. A day filled with whining and crying and demanding. I am ready for bedtime.

My babies race into the bedroom, already ripping and pulling at their clothes. I undress them, and they excitedly run toward the bathroom. Porgie jumps in, without any help. Izzy grunts and points at the water until someone helps him get in. They hang foam letters on the wall, they splash, they brush their teeth, they splash some more.

I lift Izzy from the tub and drape a towel over his head. He chatters happily, while running to the changing table. He adores our bedtime rituals. I diaper his little bottom and rub him down with lotion. As usual, he tries to eat lotion out of the tube, and gets very upset when I try to stop him. I manage to wrestle him into his pajamas just as Porgie and John makes their way to the changing table.

Izzy and I sit in the rocking chair together. I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar, while Izzy shoves his chubby little fingers into the holes on each page. As John finishes dressing Porgie, we sing 5 Little Duckies.

I take my sweet baby boy to his bedroom. I turn on his sound machine and turn off the lights. He nurses, while I gently rub his fuzzy little head. He grabs a few strands of my hair and absentmindedly plays with them. After a few minutes, he is done. He rolls off my lap and runs across the room. I chase him down and deposit him into his crib, while singing Sweet and Low. He loves Sweet and Low. It always calms him down. I kiss his chubby cheek and whisper, "I love you Buddy."

Our routine is so easy and effortless. It is beautiful really. And so enjoyable. I wish I could freeze time, and stay in this stage forever. My little guy is so much fun.

Just a quick note...

Are your weekends exciting? Because mine are NOT. I always eagerly look forward to the weekend, and then I am always disappointed with how mundane and boring the weekend is. Obviously I have unrealistic expectations about the fun and excitement that my husband will bring to the household.

This weekend we went to my beloved Target, Lowe's, and Whole Foods. Blah. The kids seemed pleased though. I have been trying to be more fiscally responsible, so we have been sticking close to home the last few weeks. Often times, we play out in the yard or at the park. Occasionally we will go to Target, but that is always a budget buster. So the kids really enjoyed our humdrum adventures this particular weekend. But me? Blah.

Where am I going with this line of thought? I have no idea. I just wanted you to know that my weekends are boring.

The end.

The many moods of Porgie...

Too much information? Probably.

If you remember, I have been having lots of trouble sleeping lately. For weeks, I have struggled to get the rest that I need. But I think I may have found a solution - SEX. It is working miracles towards a peaceful night's sleep. So, I have decided that we have to have sex every night. That sounds manageable - right?

And this has absolutely nothing to do with sex or sleeping, but I have to mention it. Kate is hosting a giveaway. AND I WANT THIS BAG! Look how adorable it is...
You can enter to win too! But I wouldn't recommend it. That is just more competition for me:)

P.S. I am sorry for talking about sex in this post Kate. I know that you are a prude. Please don't exclude me from your giveaway.

Milk

I think it is over. My beautiful breastfeeding experience is coming to an abrupt end. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. One minute, I feel completely at peace with this new turn of events. The next minute, I feel overwhelmingly sad.

I struggled to breastfeed Porgie. We had latching issues. We had lazy nursing habits. We had failure to gain weight. Ultimately these problems led me to pump exclusively for nearly 6 months. And I hated it.

When I was pregnant with Izzy, I was terrified of breastfeeding again. But my little guy was born eager and ready to nurse. Since day one, he has been a champion nurser. He loved to nurse so much, that he turned into the chunkiest exclusively-breastfed-newborn most doctors had ever seen.
And although I had my doubts at first, I grew to love nursing my baby boy. For the past 16 months, we have nursed every single day. It was easy and effortless and ENJOYABLE. I actually looked forward to feeding Izzy. It was such a special time between mommy and baby.

But, my little guy has been sick. For almost two weeks now, Izzy has had a really bad cold - complete with a cough and runny nose. In this time frame, he has nursed about 3 times. He can't nurse and breathe. So naturally, he refuses to nurse. At first I was committed to pumping during those missed nursing sessions. However after three days, I grew sick of pumping all the time. So, as you might have guessed, I decided to stop pumping.

To my surprise, I am not engorged at all. And Izzy doesn't really seem to mind all those missed nursing sessions. In fact, when I sit down to nurse him, he just tries to roll away from me.

Bittersweet.