Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pondering death

When I went into labor with Porgie, I assumed that I would have a vaginal delivery. I never read any information on c-sections. I never asked my doctor questions about the possibility of a c-section. John and I never discussed having a c-section.

But after hours and hours of labor, with no dilation, I was being prepped for a c-section. It was a whirlwind of emotion and confusion. When the doctor came into my room to have me sign the consent forms, I was in tears. I was so overwhelmed, I just signed the damn papers without a second thought.

Obviously, things are very different this time around. At my last doctor's appointment, I was asked to sign the consent forms to perform my scheduled c-section in November. The doctor explained all the risks - including death. Although I hesitantly signed the papers almost two weeks ago, I haven't stopped thinking about the word DEATH.

I could die. I know that I sound irrational and crazy, but this scares the shit out of me. Its not so much the idea of dying, but the idea that Porgie could grow up without her mommy. That little girl is the center of my world, and I am the center of her world. We would be lost without each other. My baby needs me.

I tried talking to John about my fears, but he got angry when I mentioned it. I think he's in denial about the risk of death. To him, its like I am having a tooth removed - no big deal.

You are probably thinking that I am INSANE, which I am. I know that the risk of dieing is very small. But there is still a risk, and that is very overwhelming and frightening.


Suz said...

I think it's hard to say the right thing here. I can't say "it's okay, nothing will happen" because something did happen to me. I think that it's important to acknowledge your fears, to discuss them, and find a manageable way of going forward. I've never feared death more since having the boys and have done so every time time I get on a plane, but I've talked to some colleagues and have some strategies that work, more or less, for me.

Eva said...

I know how you feel. I had a few weeks to get used to the idea of a c-section, but I still didn't really internalize the idea of death until the doctor mentioned it right before the procedure when I was doing the forms then. I know just what you mean about your worries about dying--I also don't get that worked up about the idea on my account, but on that of people I will leave behind.

The chances are just so crazily small, though, especially since it won't be an emergent situation when you have your surgery. I'm sure you'll be back to post about it in just days! I wish you well.

PS: A month and two days left!!!

Dooneybug said...

It IS scary. The first time I had a c-section I was so out of it the thought of death never even entered my mind. With the second one, I didn't really think too much of it before hand except right when they were moving me onto the operating table. For a brief moment, I had a flash of fear run through me that I'd never felt before - the fear of leaving my son without a mom. It was so brief though and everything came out fine in the end. I'm sure your hubby doesn't want to think about it, much less talk about it because he couldn't stand the thought of life without you! That's got to make a girl feel a little good. :)

Cagey said...

You are NOT insane. However, you have to have faith that everything will come out fine. Seriously - you cannot stress yourself with worry.

I fear death, too. The thought of my children not knowing me or what I am about scares me.

Misguided Mommy said...

i was just thinking about this. how strange. when i was pregnant with brandon i knew i was having a csection. i asked the doctor if he would save the baby and not me (since at that time i didnt know what it was like being a parent). this time around i started thinking that this time i would want them to save me and not codi because i could never leave my brandon without his mommy now that he knows me. i started seriously freaking out about this the other night and the next thing i knew i was bawling in bed at the thought of having my son ask for mommy. soooo your not crazy, your normal, and i need to go eat some chocolate to relax about this now.

Anth said...

I don't think you're insane. The truth of it is, when we go to have these babies of ours, we risk death, all of us. That's scary to think about, so most of the time I just try not to (classic avoidance - rather like your husband's response). Because the thought of leaving my precious Baby E makes my heart HURT.

Em said...

Its very understandable your fears, thats why i never wanted any intervention, i know how you feel and its terrible feeling when you know its such a small risk. My c-sec was emergency like yours so didnt realy have the time to get wound up..... next time i still dont want one. Its a tiny chance and i cant say everything will be ok, but no going back put your focus into thinking about your new arrival

Anonymous said...

Wow. Not to sound too callous over here, but, you could step off of a curb & get hit by a bus.
Death is scary. But life?
Life is glorious.
Life is beautiful.
Life is a reason to celebrate.
Life after children is the scariest frickin' thing in the whole-wide-world.
When I'm not worrying about them catching the disease-of-the-week at daycare (Let's hope there's no MRCA)there's the choking on a grape or the falling down the stairs or the undetected genetic bomb in their little heads that is about to explode..... Well, aren't I just a little ray of friggin sunshine??

Don't stress about what hasn't happened. Concentrate on the joy of Porgie & Izzy.

Paula said...

I know how you feel, thinking about not being here for your baby. I still remember the night that I finished reading that book, Christmas shoes, I was blubbering like it was me. I could not even imagine what that would be like....