When I went into labor with Porgie, I assumed that I would have a vaginal delivery. I never read any information on c-sections. I never asked my doctor questions about the possibility of a c-section. John and I never discussed having a c-section.
But after hours and hours of labor, with no dilation, I was being prepped for a c-section. It was a whirlwind of emotion and confusion. When the doctor came into my room to have me sign the consent forms, I was in tears. I was so overwhelmed, I just signed the damn papers without a second thought.
Obviously, things are very different this time around. At my last doctor's appointment, I was asked to sign the consent forms to perform my scheduled c-section in November. The doctor explained all the risks - including death. Although I hesitantly signed the papers almost two weeks ago, I haven't stopped thinking about the word DEATH.
I could die. I know that I sound irrational and crazy, but this scares the shit out of me. Its not so much the idea of dying, but the idea that Porgie could grow up without her mommy. That little girl is the center of my world, and I am the center of her world. We would be lost without each other. My baby needs me.
I tried talking to John about my fears, but he got angry when I mentioned it. I think he's in denial about the risk of death. To him, its like I am having a tooth removed - no big deal.
You are probably thinking that I am INSANE, which I am. I know that the risk of dieing is very small. But there is still a risk, and that is very overwhelming and frightening.