Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Ugh - another post about my mom

There is a lot of information about my relationship with my mother, that I choose not to share on this blog. So when I write a post complaining about her, I feel like many of you will not understand the significance of the issue at hand. And this post is one of them. I am sorry that I am unburdening myself on you, but I know that you will be a source of support, my dear internet friends.

My mother and I haven't been talking much lately. She checks our family blog a few times per week, and she emails me occasionally, but we don't actually speak to one another. And this is fine. She is busy. I am busy.

Recently, my mother sent an email that really caught me off guard. Apparently, she has befriended a young woman from work. The girl is getting married and has asked my mother to be her Maid of Honor. Being the good, dutiful friend that she is, my mother is throwing the girl a bridal shower. In her email, my mother rambled on and on about how much fun they have had together. And instead of being happy for her and the bride, I find myself a little angry.

My mother has put no energy or effort into repairing our broken relationship, yet she takes joy in fostering this new relationship? My mother didn't even give me a wedding gift, yet she is throwing a bridal shower for her friend? And finally, my mother has time to plan a fucking party, yet she can't pick up the phone and call me?

I am feeling a little bitter. A little cheated.

36 comments:

Kristin said...

Sounds to me like she is reaching out to you. I know it sounds silly, but I think she wants you to be jealous because she is too scared to be the one to say that things aren't great. Also, another factor could be that this girl makes your mom feel young,hip and like she is the "cool mom type" who everybody loves. Its easy to fly towards that light instead of working on existing relationships that need work. My mom deals with things the same way. Sometimes I take the bait, other times, I just try not to give a shit. You and I are so similar, we could sit all night with several bottles of wine and still not be done talking.Especially about this issue.

Steph said...

My heart goes out to you. My mom and I have been through a lot and when there are times mom my reaches out to others, it hurts me. I know it isn't easy and I am sorry for you.

moo said...

I always hated it when my mother put someone else before me and my sister. HATED IT. So I feel your pain.

And I wanted to say "I'm sorry" your mom is acting like a douche. (hugs!)

anymommy said...

This is the hardest relationship. I don't know the backstory, but I'm sorry it hurts. I hope you keep communicating with her, despite your frustration.

Carrie said...

Ugh. That hurts, it sounds like she is doing a redo---the things she should have done for you.

Dooneybug said...

Whatever details we don't know, the situation as you've explained it, well, I can certainly see how bad this makes you feel. I harbor similar feelings toward other family members regarding my relationships with them the same way. Until we can just make peace with ourselves, you really can't rely on the other person to change. I still struggle a lot with that myself!

Mama Kalila said...

I'm really sorry... That sounds like it would hurt (even without knowing background it does).

Melissa said...

That does suck. My mom does stuff like that all the time. She called me on my anniversary not to say "Happy Anniversary" but to remind me to call another relative, who I barely know, on his birthday.

Having a less than stellar relationship with your mom is hard, as I unfortunately know. But you can freely vent here and know that we understand.

Hang in there. {hug}

Kate said...

Oh - I'm feeling angry for you! But I hope that it really did help to write it out. I'm so sorry.

amanda said...

can i say that i totally get it. my mom and i are also "strained" and she often has new little friends, as i like to call them. they think she walks on water. and they think she is the perfect grandma etc.

i just don't get it.

hugs friend.

iMommy said...

Oh, the mom issues. I think you've hit on something relatively universal Christy, so know that you aren't alone. I've talked about my mom and my blog, too, and I've gotta tell you.. the story runs much deeper.

If you ever want to send off a really bitchy email... well feel free to send it my way.

Lainey-Paney said...

I can only imagine how you'd feel hurt by that....

Heather @ A Boy, A Girl, A Pug said...

No wedding present? WTF! I can't even imagine.

My mom and I have a pretty good relationship, but that doesn't mean she doesn't piss me off every now and then!

I am sorry that you have to go through this. Moms should always be a source of support for us.

It's amazing the things that we "learn" from our parents isn't it. I have learned a lot of what to do and what not to do from my mom!

I've read a little bit about you and your mom, please feel free to email me if you need to vent.

Always here friend, always here.

Tabitha said...

Me and my mum can have a strained relationship at times and it can be hard!!
I hope that you will both sort out things eventually!!
Saying that ~ I can see why it has annoyed you ~ I would feel that way too XXXX

Eva said...

Sucks. Sorry, Christy.

Awake said...

I second (or third) the "that sucks." Plain and simple. Couldn't we all write a book.

Oh wait, except we're parents....oh hell...

THopgood said...

I couldn't imagine. My husband has a mom like that. I know it's hard but maybe she told you about it to somehow let you know that she'd like that kind of relationship with you? I don't know but maybe she just doesn't know how to talk to you?

I hope your relationship gets better.

Nellie said...

Oh man Christy, that sucks. Bad. I'm really sorry she's making you feel that way.

I actually agree with Kristin's comment... about her being afraid to be the one to bring up the topic that things aren't so great between the 2 of you... and where she mentions the cool mom type... that is an interesting view point that I can see happening.

Again, that sucks ass and I'm really sorry.

Take care.

Z's Mom said...

Oh, Christy...I'm so sorry! You deserve better!
I don't fully know your situation, but from the way it sounds, I kind of agree with Carrie.....your mom might be trying to do a 'redo' with someone else. Although, it won't work because its making you feel worse and it won't end up making her feel any better either!

Dana said...

that is a VERY normal feeling... i wold feel the same way!! maybe this is her way to see how you feel about her... if your jealous/bitter/upset then she knows you care!

Amanda said...

Christy, i feel for you. Sending big ((hugs)) your way.

Jennifer said...

Wow. I would be irritated too. Her intentions aside, it's like rubbing salt in the wound and that just sucks.

I'd be upset that she is spending more time with someone else than me, too. Hugs and chocolate your way!

Lindsey and Adam said...

Wow.
That is brutal. I totally understand how you could feel so cheated...I would feel the same way! I hope she realizes her wrongdoings towards you. I'm so, so sorry.

Rachel said...

I was surprised when you said you guys were traveling back home to see family. I know she let you down along the years. I would be upset too. It hurts and you are allowed to be upset and feel cheated. Hugs momma and lets make another play date!! Then I can give you a hug in person.

Jenn said...

I too got no wedding present ,but I didn't expect one either since I never got presents for my birthday either.
I know this will sound mean and harsh to some of those people that have nice moms ,but I have found these last 4 years never speaking to her at all ,are so much better then the rest of my life when it was always strained and rotten and full of fighting with her.
Sometimes no matter who the person is ,it's just better to not have them in your life at all!

Danielle said...

I am sorry you are feeling bad. I think maybe she is trying to make you feel a little jealous.

chris said...

I'm glad you vented. I hope it made you feel a little better. That's a rotten situation. Here's to a better rest of the week.

Erica said...

I feel your pain. My mom did something very similar when I was a kid. It hurt A LOT. I hope you're able to work things out in a way that's good for everyone involved.

Becks said...

That really is a sucky situation! I would feel the exact same way if it was happening to me! I wish I had wonderful words of advice for you. I am at a loss. All I can say is that it blows that she is doing that to you!! She doesn't know what she is missing. You are one awesome lady with two beautiful babies!!

Sugar and Ice said...

I think you have every right to feel cheated...that sucks.

kristi said...

My Mom and I have had our share of hurt feelings, arguments, and DRAMA. It is hard.

Right now, my sister and I are not speaking. My Mom is trying not to take sides.

Really, you can't make your Mom fix things. She is the one missing out on you and her wonderful grandbabies.

dani said...

it's times like these that you need to busy yourself and put your kids first, c!!! i have found from my own personal experience that that is the only way to make "it" better.
it is her loss, my dear friend:)
love,
dani

dani said...

ps i mean overdo the "put your kids first" thing (type of busying yourself)!!! i already know you put your kids first:)

jen said...

my grandmother is the same way. exactly. she befriended this lady in her area and we have all felt horribly cheated by their relationship. emotions...blech. they make you feel crazy and yet you have no control. it sucks.
sounds like you still need that vacation...
seriously. where are we going and when do we leave?

TaraL said...

I can not offer you any advice, I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. My mom did not come to my wedding or help with it (all because I invited Her mom, or so she claims) but when my brothers got married she bent over backwards to help their wives -to- be.
I have had many tearful conversations with friends, my husband, therapists and the one thing I can take away from this is not to let it happen with my girls. Nothing can take the hurt away but knowing you can refuse to do the same to your daughter helps.

Anonymous said...

I am experiencing almost the exact same scenerio. I would like the opportunity to chat with you via email. Thanks for posting.