I read lots of blogs. Almost all of them are baby related, but the subject matter of each blog varies greatly. For some strange reason, I read lots of infertility and miscarriage blogs. I don't belong to either of these groups, which I am truly thankful for.
But I often wonder if the authors of these blogs are annoyed by me. I stop over, read about their struggles, and often try to leave a comment. But sometimes it is incredibly hard to find the words. Although I can imagine how painful their situation is, I really do not know how they feel. Do they even want to hear what I have to say?
This situation often carries over into my real life too. My friend C struggled for years to get pregnant with her daughter. We were talking about babies one day, when I happily asked when they were going to try for baby #2. As soon as I had spoke, I knew that I had said the wrong thing. She looked so sad and hopeless. Getting pregnant was very hard for her, and even the thought of trying again is overwhelming. And I am a stupid jerk, who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut.
So, I have probably been going around the blogsphere offending people and making them sad. I truly do not mean to be unsympathetic, I am just an asshole.
12 comments:
you don't bother me.
with Gage, we had a surgery for endometriosis, and then only had to try for 3 more months to get pregnant.
in 2007, we got pregnant again, and lost the baby.
I cannot stand it when people ask "when are you going to try for #2?" Here's how it makes me feel: we had baby #2, Masyn. But, the people who ask that don't generally know about that whole situation...or they've forgotten. And to me, if they know about the situation & have forgotten, it hurts me. It hurts because it was such a huge....horrible hurt. BUT, I know that these people are (1) just making conversation, and (2) are not intentionally being hurtful. So, I just get sad or bothered for a minute, give them the benefit of the doubt, and move on.
As far as your comment to your friend goes---tell her that you're sorry. Either in a note or when you see her...just say, "you know, I said something the other day that may have been insensitive. I asked when you guys were going to try and have another baby, and it's just really been bothering me. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I know how hard you guys tried and struggled to have _____, and it just came right out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I am so sorry if it seemed nosy or insensitive."
Something like that....
Nobody has ever apologized to me for asking or nosing or anything, and it would be very nice for someone to just acknowledge that there is a fear associated with us ever trying to get pregnant again.
And now....now that my husband has had most of his prostate removed & we know that we'll need reproductive technology to assist in future pregnancies....I'm even more afraid of going down that road. I'm afraid of getting pregnant again---falling in love with a new baby---and then losing that baby too.
You haven't offended me by anything. I just think that a little acknowledgement goes a long way...
Dont be so hard on yourself. I know your place because my aunt miscarried either 3 or 5 times and when I later miscarried I was like, I've been there, no one knows what to say or do...
Have you read my private infertility blog? I honestly can't remember who reads it and who doesn't. Most of the people that read my infertility blog (which includes miscarriage talk as well) don't have infertility issues themselves, though some have miscarried. They've been mostly supportive and lovely. I've had a few people say things that have stung a little or showed me that they REALLY don't know what I'm going through.
I had a comment..or an email...or something a few months ago...it may have even been from you (??), where the person asked something like "Is there any chance you might get pregnant naturally in the future?". It made me sick...not mad, but sick to my stomach. All I can remember is that this was a person who was not from an infertile couple. It just made me feel like why the heck to do I bother pouring my heart out, giving all the details of my story, if people aren't even going to bother reading it all before asking these kinds of questions. I don't know...maybe I'm to sensitive.
No one in my real life (aside from our parents) knows of our struggles; we keep it VERY private. So all along people asked over and over and over "When are you guys going to have kids?". It hurt EVERY SINGLE TIME and got worse as the years went on. People ask that question with no consideration for the fact that lots and lots of people have trouble having kids, and not everyone advertises that fact. We've started to get the "When are you going to have another one?" more and more. I just dismiss it. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by questions that weren't even intended to be hurtful. It's still nosy, but I know they're never meant to hurt.
My suggestion would be that when you don't know what to say, just say "I'm so sorry you have to go through this; I'll keep you in my prayers"...and then actually do keep them in your prayers. As for your friend...apologize...admit that you didn't think about it first, tell her you obviously can't know how she feels, but that you hope and pray for the best for her and her family, whatever it might be.
Lainey,
I really like your suggestion about writing a note. I am definitely going to do that.
Chas,
I had no idea that you even had an infertility blog. I am learning a lot today. I am pretty sure that I didn't write that comment to you, but it doesn't really matter.
The whole point of this post, was to say I am sorry for any mindless thing that I might have written in a comment. I have never meant to be mean or to hurt anyone's feelings. Some times I speak (or write) before I think.
I had to miscarriages before baby H stayed put...you have never offended me!!! I feel the opposite like I should never complain or whine because all we went through...but PREGNANCY IS TOUGH!
Well you've never annoyed me at all! By the way I need your new email address I know you put in a post awhile ago but I can't find it right now so if you could send me and email that way I'd now what your address is! amberdean83@yahoo.com
I don't think that you should be so hard on yourself. We all say stupid things to our friends at some point.
I once was listening to a rap song with a black friend of mine in college. During the song we was "rapping" along with the verse and I said the "N" word. I immediately stopped and looked at him with horror. He was a great friend and very understanding about it. I appoligized and he said it was ok, and that he understood that it was part of the song. I still felt like a comple dick.
A good friend will be able to realize you didn't mean anything by it, and move on with your friendship.
I've wondered about that, too, now that I have a child (though I did, as you know, deal with infertility). I don't know what the answer is.
Hon, you are anything but an asshole. The fact that you are aware/care of other's pain, although something you have (thank God) not experienced shows your true compassion.
I haven't been reading your blog for too long, but I can already tell you have a good heart.
Ok not seeing you as an asshole... But I understand what you're saying. I have a couple friends struggling w/ getting pregnant... and Kalila was an accid... surprise. One of those friends (well, two really is a couple) I remember the look on their faces when they found out. Not long after I found out they had just had another failed fertility treatment. Felt less than an inch tall! Not my fault, but still...
& is hard to find something to say to that sometimes... even (esp) when you're close to the couple.
BTW, I liked the apology idea too.. . Definately keeping that in mind in case I ever stick my foot in my mouth lol.
I didn't really think it was from you...but I honestly can't recall who it was from. I'm sure that the fact that you are aware that sometimes you speak before you think will keep you from doing just that. Don't beat yourself up too hard over it.
i do the same thing as you and i belong to the group of many miscarriages. it's a very delicate subject that people struggle over. someone once told me that it was good thing I lost the baby since my hubby and I were not married at the time. that really hurt me at first. but then i realize that they just didn't know what to say to me.
if i was someone who had posted about my struggles with this, i would be happy for well wishes and hopefully understanding when people don't know how to respond.
oh yeah, and the note idea is really nice.
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