I am stressed out

Picking a new health insurance plan the month before your due date is extremely hard. The new plan goes into effect two weeks before I will deliver, so it is extremely important that we pick the right plan. I have been researching and stressing out about every detail of the new plan options. My husband, on the other hand, seems to have completely forgotten about the health insurance. He just wants to go with the cheapest plan and forget about it. I wish I was so naive and carefree.

John's employer hasn't given us much of an option. We basically have two plans to choose from - a PPO with incredibly high premiums or a cheap HSA plan with an incredibly high deductible. Financially, we are going to get screwed either way we go, so I guess I shouldn't be so stressed about it. The part that has me all worked up is that maternity benefits aren't listed in the description of the plans. I am confident that the PPO covers maternity, but I am not so sure about the high deductible plan. I have made my husband email the woman who is in charge of insurance for his company, but she can't seem to comprehend my request. It is actually very simple - I just want something from the insurance company stating the maternity benefits for each plan. But instead, she just keeps emailing my husband to say that maternity benefits are covered. She seems like a nice lady and all, but I want something from the INSURANCE COMPANY. I have been screwed over by health insurance companies too many time to accept a generic statement from a woman in the HR department.

In other news, I am growing! Holy crap, I gained 8 pounds in the last two weeks! I don't know how that is even possible, but my scale keeps insisting that I have gained all that weight. Ugh. I am trying not to stress about it too much, but I really don't understand how I gained that much. I have been eating the same as every other week. I know I have some swelling issues, but I hardly think I am retaining that much water.

I hate hate HATE that I am stressing about my weight. This is my last pregnancy, and I want to enjoy it. My weight has always gone up and down, so if I gain too much with this baby, it is not the end of the world for me. I can lose it. I know that I can. But for some reason, I wake up and weigh myself every morning. It is a sickness, but I can't stop.

Here is a picture of me at 34 weeks 5 days...And just for fun, here is a picture of my lopsided legs. I have lots of swelling on the right side of my body ONLY. Isn't that weird?

Target Chronicles

Relationships are hard. John and I have been together as a couple for 13 years. We have been married for 6 years. Yet somehow, we still find ways to completely annoy each other.

John and I had a huge fight at Target on Sunday. You see, my husband is an asshole. Of course you're only getting my version of events, but trust me - he is an asshole. When I go shopping with the kids, I have rules. Rule # 1 is that the children must stay in the cart. This story starts out with a complete disregard for rule # 1, and therefore, the trip to Target was horrible. Thanks to my husband.

We walked in the door, grabbed one of those HUGE carts that can accommodate about 4 children, and then walked up the isle. Porgie's harness was broken, so John mindlessly told her she didn't have to ride in the cart. Before she hopped down, I told her that daddy was wrong and that she needed to stay in the cart. She told me, "NO!" (with lots of attitude) and got down. This blatant disregard for my opinion really pissed me off. When I tried to correct her behavior, John kept interrupting me, pointlessly explaining why Porgie could get out of the cart. By this point, it was no longer about breaking rule # 1 (although is does annoy me, because when John doesn't make them follow the rules, then our next trip to the store is HORRIBLE because no one wants to follow the rules!). I was now pissed about my daughter's attitude and my husband defense of her attitude.

After making asses out of ourselves (i.e. yelling at one another in the middle of the store), we angrily stormed off in different directions. I took Izzy, who was still strapped into the cart, and John took Porgie. We met up later in the shopping trip, and I am happy to report that Izzy was doing an excellent job. Porgie, on the other hand, was running around like a demented monkey. I felt justified for being a bitch about this whole issue. Kid in the cart = good. Kid running around = very, very bad.

Eventually, I had to put my daughter back in the cart to regain control of the situation, because my husband is a stubborn jerk who refuses to admit when he is wrong. The rest of the day was spent being angry with one another. Let me just say that Monday has never been so anticipated in all of my life.

Tell me more, tell me more

My husband can be an annoying creature. He does lots of little things that seem trivial, but they drive me up the fricken wall. Don't get me wrong, John is a great guy. But he can still be annoying. Today I am going to share a few of his quirks...

1. I have a garbage can under the sink for recyclables. John seems to be completely and totally unable to place anything in this trash can. Instead, my lovely husband just piles everything onto the kitchen counter. Trash on the counters - every woman's dream.

2. John usually puts the groceries away after we go shopping. This is great, but for some reason he always leaves a few items on the kitchen table. For example, he will put everything way in the appropriate spot, but he'll leave a can of black beans and a tube of toothpaste on the kitchen table. This drives me insane. I have conducted experiments to see how many days he will let these items sit on the table. The answer is FOREVER.

3. We are living in the 1950's over here in Cakerwakerville. I am a homemaker. I do most of the cooking. I do all of the laundry. I do all of the cleaning. I take care of the children. And John works. Honestly, I enjoy taking care of the house and my kids. What annoys me is my husband's attitude about helping around the house. If I suggest that we clean the living room together, he whines and complains and rolls his eyes. If I ask him to hang a picture on the wall, he acts like I am ruining his entire weekend. If I suggest that he complete a home improvement project, he always wants to do it "next weekend." I think "next weekend" is code for NEVER.

Now it is your turn. How does your husband annoy you?

Surprise, surprise

Painting is a bitch. I always dive into painting projects, thinking that it will be fun! And I will feel productive! And it will only take a day or two! Easy Peasy! Obviously I am a complete moron, because painting is never fun, I certainly don't feel productive, and it takes FOREVER.

My living room still isn't completed yet. I live in a teeny tiny little house. I should be able to paint the entire house in about 3 hours. But dammit, I am on day 4 and there is no end in sight. I no longer use painter's tape, and I think that is what is slowing me down. The first few times I painted a room, I applied that ghetto-ass tape to every edge in the room. And the paint always bled underneath, defeating the entire purpose of using the tape. So, I do everything by hand now. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so it take me about 200 hours to cut around one door frame. Gah. I'll be done someday, and then I'll post the lovely pictures for little old you.

My husband had a work conference to attend in Indianapolis this week. He moaned and groaned about the conference for weeks. And like every other conference he attends, he called me everyday to tell me how much fun he was having. Why is my husband so annoying? Seriously, he couldn't be anymore annoying.

In summary, I haven't accomplished anything this week, and my husband is annoying. What's new - right?

I know that you earn all of the money, but you're still annoying

I know that I am preaching to the choir here, but my husband is driving me INSANE. He snores so damn loud. Why is he so fucking noisy? I punch him and poke him and yank on his covers, but he just keeps on snoring. I am seriously considering moving my ass out of the bedroom. The couch is looking more and more appealing. Actually, anywhere sounds more appealing than my bedroom.

Also, my husband is mean in subtle ways. He would never insult me directly, but he still finds ways to make me self-conscious. Usually, he does this through our children. He'll remark on an undesirable trait in our children and then accredit me with bestowing this quality upon them. For example, last night he remarked that Izzy sweats a lot - "just like mommy." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't sweat excessively. At least, I thought I didn't sweat excessively. Even though my husband is probably talking out his ass, I found myself applying to little extra deodorant this morning. Stupid jerk face husband. He really gets on my nerves.

And finally, why does my husband have so many fucking clothes to wash every week? I swear, 2/3 of all the laundry belongs to my husband. He has "work clothes" and "relaxing clothes." So, he wear two different outfits everyday. That really adds up. Bastard.

Gah. Husbands are annoying. Especially when you have to do their dishes, wash their clothes, and cook their food.

Seriously?

Let's see, we have covered money issues, my fat ass, and my garden. What else is there? My kids have been pretty good lately. We are playing in the backyard A LOT. To save some dough, I have been avoiding Target like the plague. And that is my life people! I have nothing else to offer you. But I do have a question. Is your husband a walking cliche? Because sometimes, I am not sure if my husband is seriously mentally retarded or if he is just trying to be funny. I asked him to dress the kids this morning.

Here is Izzy in blue and orange plaid. John told me that he thought the shirt and shorts were a matching set. Really?
Here is Porgie in hot pink shorts and a blue striped shirt. John said, "That doesn't match?" No dear, it doesn't match.
However her shoe situation really takes the cakes...
So, is you husband as goofy as mine?