Holy Shit!

I was browsing around on New York and Company's website last night, and I stumbled upon these...Seriously? Stirrup pants? What is wrong with the world? Before you know it, we'll be french rolling our pants again...
And wearing fanny packs...God help us.

Did Betty Crocker have all these distractions?

Okay, enough whining about my teeth. Today I want to talk about cooking. In the past, I despised cooking and all the work that it entailed. But lately, I have taken a liking to cooking. More specifically, I enjoy baking. I like making muffins and cupcakes and corn bread. And I don't mind popping a casserole into the oven.

However, I still seem to suffer from an inability to actually pay attention to what I am doing. I burn rice ALL THE TIME. What is so hard about setting a timer? I also burn spaghetti on a regular basis. My husband thinks this is hilarious. He always says, "I didn't even know it was possible to burn spaghetti." It is definitely possible and I'll explain how. At 5:30, I start boiling some water and add the pasta. At 5:33, Izzy will ask to go to the bathroom. At 5:37, Porgie will have a meltdown over a balloon or a crayon or some other completely insignificant thing. While I am trying to calm her down, Izzy will appear in the living room wearing his father's watch. I'll retrieve the watch and go put it back in its proper spot, when I notice that the cat puked in the middle of the hallway. While I am cleaning up the cat puke, Porgie will come tell me that she has pooped and wants me to change her diaper. While I am changing her diaper, I'll smell something burning. I'll glance over at the clock and realize that my pasta has been boiling for 30 minutes, instead of 10. Fuckity, fuck, fuck!

See? It is very, very easy to burn spaghetti. Or rice. Or ANYTHING. I blame the children.

Lessons...

1. Do not have four teeth pulled at one time. What the fuck was I thinking? And how can a doctor do this to a person in good conscience?

2. Do not stop taking your pain medication UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. This may mean that your children will have to fend for themselves for a few days.

3. Do not console yourself with Ben & Jerry's ice cream. You will not be able to chew the gooey brownie pieces or crumbly cookie chunks.

4. Do not expect other people to have sympathy for you. If they can't see the gaping wounds, they will automatically assume that you feel fine.

Any questions? Class dismissed.